While You Were Out

To: Gretchen Rossi

Date: March 17, 2010

From: Litination

Message: Miss Rossi, Litination called early today regarding a breaking news story on RadarOnline. Litination was wondering why, after putting so much time and effort into avoiding service of legal papers from your ex-husband, you decided to attend a very public fashion show. Litination believes this was scripted by the producers of the Real Housewives of Orange County but is willing to accept a response that you are just kind of dumb. Litination also wanted to make sure you were aware that you missed a button on the shirt you're wearing on your website.

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Passed Gas Enough to Support Theft Charge

Angela Markson usually ends up regretting her weekly trip to Taco Bell with her husband Jeffrey. This past Thursday, however, Markson wept openly as Kentucky District Court Judge Wilbur Arkinson ruled the usual consequences of "burrito night" were sufficient to create the probable cause necessary for police to search their parked vehicle and obtain the evidence that was being used to charge the Marksons with theft.

The incident started when the Marksons were parked in a Best Buy parking lot after a substantial dinner of super-sized Mexican food and jumbo-sized sodas. During a discussion about whether to buy a 42" or 50" flat screen television, Mr. Markson was overcome with a need to let the musical fruit that had made up more than 65% of his dinner free to perform. As he let one rip, his wife groaned with disgust, and unfortunately for both Marksons, the two local police officers walking behind their vehicle took notice.

According to the officers, the sound emminating from the Marksons' Honda CRV was of a tone and quality that clearly indicated a potential for harm. State Patrolman Evan Crawford testified that it sounded like a combination of "a rabbid dog and a man having a heart attack." Concerned, the officers rushed to the Marksons' car and asked the couple to step out of the vehicle. When they did, the officers came across an SUV almost overflowing with pink flamingo lawn ornaments - the exact items that had been reported by local news station KSPK as being stolen from many front lawns in Paducah, Kentucky. The Marksons were immediately handcuffed and taken to the local police station

At a preliminary hearing, the Marksons' attorney moved to suppress the pink flamingo evidence on the grounds that the police lacked probable cause to search the Marksons' vehicle. Judge Arkinson, however, ruled that the loud noise generated by Mr. Markson justified the search. He sided with the officers in finding that the rumbling was of a magnitude that would strike fear in the heart of any American. Judge Arkinson further noted to all those present in his courtroom that this was just one more reason why people should avoid eating at "Taco Hell" at all costs.

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Alito Removes Obama as Friend on Facebook

The public spat between Associate Justice Samuel Alito and President Barack Obama that took place during Mr. Obama’s State of the Union address has received enough coverage and analysis to make Wolf Blitzer’s whiskers start to twitch. The seemingly never-ending buzz, however, is understandable. Even though Supreme Court Justices receive extensive training on how to sit completely emotionless at such speeches, Alito couldn’t help himself from having an inaudible Joe Wilson moment. What’s next? Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg raising the roof when she agrees with an applause line? A public battle between the Executive and Judicial branches? Well, maybe.

Just yesterday, Alito took the growing rift with Obama over the Supreme Court’s decision in Citizens United v. FEC to the next level. In a move that some commentators are calling “childish,” Justice Alito has removed President Obama from his list of friends on the internet social networking site Facebook. According to Ashton Kutcher’s twitterfeed, the judicial diss occurred at some point during the early afternoon while Alito was supposedly hearing oral argument at the Supreme Court. This begs the question, are jurors not the only ones inappropriately feeding their internet fix when court is in session?

“Look, this is completely off the record, but I talked to him about the State of the Union and I’ve talked to him about surfing the web during oral arguments,” said Chief Justice John Roberts [sorry about that record, Chief]. “He’s just a guy that marches to the beat of his own drum. I told him that no matter what Obama says about the Citizens United decision, he was absolutely not to break our signature ‘watching paint dry’ expression. Apparently, that fell on deaf ears.”

Analysts say Alito’s move to drop Obama as a friend should not be taken lightly. Of all of the Supreme Court Justices with Facebook pages, Alito has the fewest number of friends. In fact, Associate Justice Sandra Sotomayor, has more than thirty times as many friends as Alito even though they both went to Princeton and Yale. Is that Alito’s discretion at work or an indication of his lack of social skills? White House Press Secretary Roberts Gibbs thinks it’s the latter. At today’s press conference he had this to say about the Alito snub – “let’s just say the President was being diplomatic when he decided to accept the friend request in the first place.” Oh snap!

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Tiger Woods' Attorney Allegedly Seeing Other Clients

According to celebrity gossip website TMZ.com, Tiger Woods' attorney Mark NeJame has been seeing other clients behind the golf star's back. Colleagues and friends have reported to TMZ that despite promising Tiger that he would devote "his all" to the case and saying that the prospect of handling the Woods' marital problems "had him at hello," NeJame has been texting, emailing and calling clients periodically throughout the past week. At least five other clients of NeJame have come forward with claims that he is representing them in ongoing disputes and the ABA Journal has already placed a link to a voicemail from one of these individuals on its website.

Some suspect NeJame's behavior is due to the fact that Woods compensates all of his attorneys based on flat fee arrangements. "There's no question, an attorney on a flat fee is going to see other clients," explained Popsquire.com's Russell Wetanson. "Flat fee arrangements are typically all about infatuation - 'I want you, I need you to be a constant in my life' - but the billable hour - 'I need you only for a certain amount of time and to be really focused when I'm with you' - is where relationships for the long run are really fostered. There's even a saying among attorneys that it takes a client paying by the billable hour less than one tenth of an hour to snag an attorney away from a flat fee client."

The story is taking the legal community and the country by storm. CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer recently reported that the news agency is receiving a massive influx of iReports in response to the question "Should you treat your lawyer like your lover?" and Larry King just announced that he will have former O.J. Simpson prosecutor Marcia Clark on his show for the 122nd time in order to address this breaking news. Others are hoping that Jermaine Jackson - who boldly proclaimed that Tiger had done nothing wrong after he had already admitted his affairs - will be commenting on this development.

There is also general concern that Tiger Woods' wife, Elin Nordegren, may catch wind of Mr. NeJame's other clients and take matters into her own hands. That's why Litination promises to stay on top of this developing story 24/7.

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Brick Breaker Score Overwhelms Associate During Recent Team Meeting

Jack Wilkins, a third-year litigation associate in Baker Botts, LLP’s Washington, D.C. office likes to say his Blackberry had him at hello. Pretty much whenever he has a free minute, or if there’s a pause in conversation, Wilkins is heads down, thumb scrolling on his handheld. This addiction has lead to some socially unacceptable behavior. For example, he’s seen his average time in the bathroom almost double as a result of his complete obsession with several of the free games that he’s downloaded. His Blackberry time has also become difficult to manage at work.

In meetings, Wilkins, like many of his colleagues, is constantly checking his Blackberry when the spotlight is focused elsewhere. Due to the fact that he almost always has a non-speaking role at meetings, he has even become accustomed to launching an all-consuming game of Brick Breaker – a classic video game that challenges you to clear stages by using a paddle to destroy bricks one by one – to pass the time. Sometimes this can cause him to miss almost everything that is covered.

Recently, Brick Breaker became a deal breaker for Wilkins. At a team meeting on pre-trial strategy, Wilkins reached his highest level on Brick Breaker to date just as the lead partner, on the case, Calvin Cambridge, was laying out a key weakness. Unable to contain his emotions, Wilkins audibly let out a “Yes!” right as Cambridge stated that there’s a chance that the client’s lead corporate witness could have his credibility seriously damaged on cross-examination.

As everyone in the conference room turned to in shock, Cambridge asked Wilkins what could possibly be positive about such a situation. Crushed by the fact that his outburst had cost him an even higher Brick Breaker score, Wilkins responded with “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” and then quickly excused himself to use the restroom to avoid the deafening silence that followed. The repercussions for Wilkins have been immediate. He has been dropped from his rightful place as the third person copied on case-related emails. Some of Wilkins’ colleagues think that his position as head of the document review team is also in jeopardy. Sounds like someone is in need of treatment for his crackberry addiction.

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Official: Homeland Security to Adopt Strict Scrutiny, Intermediate Scrutiny and Rational Basis Terror Alert System

According to a high-ranking official in the Obama administration, the Department of Homeland Security (“DHS”) is close to making an announcement that it will be revamp its often maligned Color-coded Threat Level System. DHS plans to institute three stoplight colored alert levels – rational basis (green), intermediate scrutiny (yellow) and strict scrutiny (red). For legal scholars like President Obama, these words bring back fond memories of constitutional law. For most Americans, this system is likely to bring continued confusion.

The Government’s new “Stoplight Review and Alert System” is designed to simplify the process by which the government can inform Americans just how frightened and paranoid to act. If Homeland Security sets the system to the green “rational basis” level, Americans are directed to determine if individuals in their immediate surroundings are using reasonable means to pursue legitimate interests. The yellow “intermediate scrutiny” level will put citizens on notice to watch out for individuals that are not pursuing important governmental interests using substantially-related means.

While these first two levels may seem confusing, the most alarming setting in the “Stoplight Review and Alert System” is likely to be the red “strict scrutiny” level. If Homeland Security decides to set the nation’s alert level to this color and phrase, Americans should immediately be on the lookout for any activity that is not in the pursuit of a compelling governmental interest and that is not narrowly tailored to achieve its intended result. Or, as one skeptic put it, “lock your windows and doors because it’s about to get crazier than a Sarah Palin book tour.”

The fact that DHS has decided to couch the alerts in terms of "governmental interest" is consistent with the Obama administration’s goal of putting the federal government in the center of every American’s life. This system also continues to solidify Mr. Obama’s reputation as a legal scholar in chief. “The way I see it, by the time the President’s time in office is done most of the nation will be headed to law school,” explained one administration official, “and we can only hope it will be a law school that is fully funded by the federal government.”

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Judge Excludes Manny Ramirez Defense

Earlier, today, in a big blow to public defender Walker Milford, Los Angeles Superior Court judge Aaron Appleton refused to instruct the jury on what has been labeled the "Manny Being Manny" defense. This ruling is the latest setback for attorneys around the country who have been trying to introduce a new defense based on the 12-time All Star. Attorneys have been arguing for the following jury instruction: if a defendant’s actions can be described as "Manny Being Manny," he or she should not be found guilty. Unfortunately for Milford, who wore dreadlocks to today’s court appearance in honor of the slugger, his appeal to Judge Appleton fell flat.

"Your honor 'Manny Being Manny' is just a way of saying that the rules can’t be applied in the same way to everyone," argued Milford. "'Manny Being Manny' means that you can be horrible at one thing in your life, like fielding or obeying the law, but be great in other areas like hitting or working the night shift. It means that you don’t have to always try your hardest to be successful and it certainly means that drug policies aren’t always clear to everyone."

In response, prosecutor Lorraine Evers was incredulous. "The last time I checked, 'Manny Being Manny' means getting your arse handed to you by the Philadelphia Phillies. It also means taking a shower while your team is trying to close out game four of the National League Championship series or faking a knee injury if you don’t really feel like playing. In other words, it means not caring and that’s exactly what the defendant in this case can ill afford to continue to do."

Judge Appleton quickly dismissed the proposed instruction. "Mr. Milford, this is the most ridiculous thing I have heard since somebody tried to convince me that Michael Jackson was healthy when he died. While I agree that the notion of 'Manny Being Manny' has become ingrained in popular culture, it has no place in my courtroom. I mean you have access to the insanity defense Mr. Milford, doesn’t that make your proposed line of argument unnecessary?"

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Lawyer Takes Decoration of New Office a Bit Too Far

Susan McCutchen has always had a knack for interior design. Her college dorm room was inspired by her favorite designer, Lilly Pulitzer, and was a big hit with the preppy crowd at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. In law school, she was the only student who redecorated and re-painted her apartment based on the time of year. So when McCutchen walked into her new office at Holland & Knight, she had to take a moment to let the disappointment subside.

Already bored with her first assignment later that day, she had to stop to determine just what she could do to spruce up the white walls and beige carpet. Four hours later, she had a plan to create a “more inspired workspace.” After a quick trip to Pottery Barn, Target, and Calico Corners, she was ready to roll. First, she covered most of the carpet with throw rugs. Second, she put cushions on her window sill to make a comfortable reading nook and hung matching valences over the windows. Third, and finally, she installed lamps in every corner of the room.

After pulling an all-nighter getting the place “up to snuff,” McCutchen walked the floor to see how the other lawyers had designed their spaces. She was disappointed to find that most had opted for a couple of plants, pictures of friends and family on the shelves, and a painting or framed picture hung on the wall. Only one lawyer had anything close to a stylish work space and that was a guy named Javier in Corporate who had a dozen or so stuffed animals in his office, kept the overhead lights off and had something constantly generating a smell of incense and Indian food.

McCutchen’s efforts were initially a big hit on the floor as she has enjoyed a steady string of visitors to her office. When Holland & Knight’s managing partner found out about the “shenanigans” however, the customization efforts took a turn for the worse. She was initially told that the decorations must be taken down and everything restored to institutional bland in 24 hours, but after a long meeting with firm management, McCutchen was able to negotiate a compromise. She could keep the decorations as long as she agreed to live in her office three days a week.

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Contract Attorney Decides to Spend Afternoon Reviewing Ex-Girlfriend's Emails

With work “kind of slow” these days, Evan McFadden has been searching for ways to fill his weekdays. A 2006 graduate of Tulane Law School, McFadden has spent much of the past three years working as a contract attorney. Typically, this means he will spend eight to twelve hours staring at a computer reviewing hundreds of documents per hour. With the downturn in litigation, however, McFadden hasn’t worked in almost a month.

Facing another day of Law & Order re-runs, McFadden made a decision today to get back on his document reviewing feet. Pulling on his old fraternity sweatshirt, he mapped out a plan to spend his afternoon reviewing the emails he exchanged with his college girlfriend Jess Phelps. “Jess and I used to email like multiple times an hour, every hour. Luckily, I saved all of these emails,” explained a focused McFadden. In order to feed his unhealthy obsession with his ex and keep his reviewing skills sharp, McFadden plans to sort the emails into key moments in their relationship.

“My plan is to look through everything first and flag the emails where we said that we loved each other,” explained McFadden. “I mean, she cheated on me during the end of our senior year, so I’m really interested to see if the love emails kind of trailed off at any point." McFadden also plans to scan Jess's emails for any reaction to the 20 or 30 poems he wrote her. "I think she liked them, but I can't remember if she ever verbalized it. Probably not, since I sent her most of them after we broke up."

Unfortunately, this is not the first time McFadden has reviewed emails for no legal purpose. Last fall, his roommate Jeff left for work while still logged into his email on his laptop. McFadden took advantage of this forgetful moment, by "honing his review skills" on Jeff's personal correspondence. "That really was a turning point in our friendship," explained a somewhat embarrassed McFadden. "I mean how can you take a guy seriously when you find out his Mom still calls him pumpkin pants?"

McFadden has promised himself not to get too down when reviewing the emails, but he hasn't ruled out a phone call if things get emotional. So Jess, if you're reading this, I hope you've changed your number.

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Supreme Court Kicks Off "No Votes = Free Floats" Promotion

WASHINGTON, DC - Think some ice cream drenched in a fountain soda of your choice can cure even the worst case of the legal blues? Even if you don’t, the Supreme Court of the United States sure does. Today, flanked by a life-sized root beer bottle and a mound of soft serve ice cream, Chief Justice John Roberts announced a new partnership between the nation’s highest court and A&W Root Beer that is sure to bring out the kid in any experienced appellate lawyer.

Under the terms of the promotion, titled “Float Your Argument Elsewhere,” each time the Supreme Court renders a decision, counsel for the losing side can use his or her Supreme Court visitor badge to redeem a free Root Beer Float at any participating A&W store. The badge must be used at an A&W within 24 hours of when the Supreme Court’s decision is announced and cannot be used in conjunction with any other promotion or redeemed for cash.

“A&W, with its ‘All American Food’ slogan seemed like a natural fit for this promotion,” explained Roberts when Litination sat down with him over a basket of Corn Dog Nuggets and Fries. “It was really the late Chief Justice Rehnquist’s idea, so it’s a shame he’s not here to see it in action. You see, since we only grant certiorari to review the most complicated issues, it was hard for Bill, and frankly all of us, to see the expressions on the losing attorneys’ faces. Now, with this promotion, you can actually see some of the fourth and fifth chair attorneys get a little excited at the frosty delight that’s headed their way.”

Roberts may be on to something. Local A&W store owner, Martin Van Clyven, can recall numerous times when he’s seen customers provide a Supreme Court visitor badge in exchange for Root Beer Float. “Most of the time, these people look like they haven’t slept or seen natural light in weeks so I feel a sense of relief in giving them a root beer float,” explained Clyven when questioned about the promotion. “What’s also interesting is that several times I’ve had these customers ask me for a job. Seriously, I’ve got a Columbia Law School grad running my store in Bethesda. I know, a little risky, but it’s not rocket science so I’m sure with time he’ll get the hang of it.”

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Attorney’s New TV Ad Kind of Embarrassing

About a month ago, Ron “The Hammer” Colton decided that he was going to start running television advertisements to drum up some new business. A personal injury attorney based in Knoxville, Tennessee, Colton has always been told that he was made for television. According to local rumor, Colton’s nickname is the result of his reputation as a maestro with the jury. Defense attorneys in Tennessee are consistently warned that if you have a case against Colton that goes to closing argument, he will drop “the hammer” and make sure a monster verdict comes raining down.

Colton’s TV move was prompted by the arrival of another big-name personal injury attorney in the Knoxville area. He decided that if he wanted to remain the big fish in town, he needed to raise his visibility. Unfortunately, his plans took an immediate wrong turn when he decided to use a client’s cousin to develop his television spot. The cousin, an alleged “TV producer from New York” was adamant that Colton needed all of the bells and whistles to get people to pay attention to his ad. The result? Colton is wishing the ad never happened.

The spot starts with a siren and then quickly cuts to “The Hammer” standing beside a pile of smoking wreckage from a car accident. As people struggle to extract themselves from the automobiles and safety personnel descend on the scene, Colton calmly pitches his 1-800 number. The editing makes Colton look callously ignorant of the human drama unfolding around him. The shot then flips to a bandaged client talking to Colton before the word negligence appears on the screen in all capital letters. Not a second later, a huge hammer obliterates the word negligence and its shatters into a million dollar signs.

The next scene shows Colton in an operating room discussing the life-changing consequences of medical malpractice. As the doctor appears to be delivering a child, Colton walks across the screen ticking off his largest med mal verdicts. There’s not even a nod to the soon to be new parents in the delivery room. Finally, the 30 second spot ends with Colton hovering over a scene straight from the movie “Independence Day” with the phrase “When the world wrongs you, fight back with the hammer” flashing on the screen.

“I tried to edit out most of the ‘over the top’ stuff,” explained a defensive Colton when Litination reached him for comment earlier today, “but Vinnie was insistent that we needed to go big." When asked if he thought this spot would harm his practice, Colton was defiant. "Are you kidding me? Any press is good press my friend; nothing's going to keep 'The Hammer' out of action." Despite the puffery, most that have seen the ad are confident that Colton's next round of advertising is almost certainly going to be limited to print or radio.

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Next Presidential Beer Summit to Include Supreme Court and Ninth Circuit

In a move that will likely solidify his emerging reputation as bartender-in-chief, President Barack Obama announced this week that he plans to host a second beer summit sometime this fall. This time around, President Obama has decided to invite members of the Supreme Court and the United States Circuit Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit to sit across from each other and hash thing out. Buoyed by the success of his meeting with prominent Harvard scholar Louis Gates and police Sargeant James Crowley, the President said he hopes to encourage “positive dialogue” between the two often bickering judicial panels.

According to White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, “the President is looking forward to facilitating a friendly, thoughtful conversation between two important institutions that very rarely see eye-to-eye.” The numbers don’t lie; during the Supreme Court's 2008-2009 term, the “Left Coast” court was affirmed in full only once and was reversed a devastating thirteen times. This has caused some commentators to dub the Ninth Circuit a “rogue court,” while others have argued that there should be two Supreme Courts, one to hear cases from the Ninth Circuit and another to hear all other cases.

While Mr. Obama is a trained lawyer, he seems keenly aware that the Constitution requires him to be a passive participant in the meeting. “Mainly, he intends to be there for the photo op and the peanuts and to give the judges a disapproving glance if the talks stall. In other words, the President will be playing the role of former President George W. Bush for a day,” quipped Gibbs.

The presence of newly minted Justice Sonia Sotomayor should help break the ice at the meeting. Some judicial analysts believe some of Sotomayor’s past “out there” opinions should help make the members of the Ninth Circuit feel more comfortable. Other commentators are anxious to see if President Obama has any success at getting Justice Clarence Thomas to open up.

If the meeting is not successful at bringing the Ninth Circuit “back into the fold,” some believe that the President may ask former President Bill Clinton to get involved. According to one anonymous White House staffer, “after what he did in North Korea, we can only imagine he’d hit a home run out in California.”

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Top 10 Ways Sotomayor's Confirmation Could Go Poorly

10. The government realizes it already spent her salary on the stimulus package.

9. Arlen Specter switches back to the Republican Party.

8. Sotomayor is caught Twittering during the confirmation hearing.

7. Justice Scalia refuses to sit for another Supreme Court picture until 2010.

6. Kim Jong-Il won’t stop shooting missiles until Obama nominates a Korean-American.

5. Bill Clinton thinks Hillary was promised the nomination.

4. Joe Biden can’t stop making jokes that he has a cleaning lady named Sonia.

3. George Steinbrenner is still furious about her ruling in favor of the players in the 1994 baseball strike and threatens to close Yankee Stadium if she’s confirmed.

2. President Obama accidentally admits that he wasn’t born in the United States.

1. The press finds out that Rod Blagojevich is in Sotomayor’s fave five.

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Obama to Appoint Himself to Supreme Court

Just over 100 days into his presidency, word is surfacing that President Barack Obama has decided to use whatever remains of his personal capital to pull off an astonishing political maneuver. Although news of Justice David Souter’s planned retirement is only days old, President Obama is to announce later this week his decision to fill the impending Supreme Court vacancy with, well, himself. Apparently the choice of holding the highest office in the land or sitting on the highest court in the land has proved too difficult for the Commander in Chief.

Obama reportedly plans to announce his decision on the steps of the Supreme Court in front of a giant replica of the United States Constitution with the words “Change We Can Believe In” scrawled across the document. According to one staffer, the Constitutional issues associated with this move are “unlikely to derail what’s right for America.” So, President Obama will forge ahead and become the first sitting President and Supreme Court Justice in the nation’s history.

To make this possible, Obama will launch a massive public relations campaign to preempt the “predictable argument” that such a move would compromise the checks and balances that are required to make our system of governance work. “If these were ordinary times and this was a typical President, I don’t think it would be possible,” explained University of Virginia School of Law professor Larry J. Sabato, “but I wouldn’t put this one past President Obama. Give that guy a speech on a teleprompter and he could probably even convince me that John Edwards isn't the father of Rielle Hunter's baby.”

While Obama will likely face a fierce confirmation battle in the United States Senate, this gauntlet looks much less daunting now that Arlen Specter has stopped pretending to be a Republican. According to sources not willing to be identified, Specter’s decision to switch parties was driven in part by Obama’s desire to appoint himself to the Supreme Court. When Obama first broached the subject with Specter, the response was frosty, but over several trips for coffee and a late-night scary movie marathon at the White House, Arlen reportedly came around to the idea. He sent the President a text message late on Monday night that said he was “on board” with the plan. Specter then immediately friended the President via Facebook.

Obama reportedly decided on himself after a careful review of all other candidates indicated that any other pick was likely to disappoint him on more than one occasion. Obama then called his opponent in the Presidential election, Senator John McCain, to garner his support before reaching his decision. McCain allegedly laughed maniacally at the suggestion. Obama only got through to him when he pointed out that the idea wasn’t nearly as crazy as asking Sarah Palin to be the Vice President.

(Photo courtesy of ABC News)

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USC Law Adds Video Professor to Faculty

Last week, the UCLA School of Law made headlines when it announced a “Transition to Practice” L.L.M. in response to a changing environment for law school graduates. Sensing an opportunity to one up its rival, the USC Gould School of Law countered UCLA this week by undertaking an intense effort to help train its students for non-law careers, titled “Transition to Employment”. To kick off the initiative with a bang, USC announced today that John W. Scherer, aka “The Video Professor”, had been added to the law school’s faculty. Although some academics may quibble that Scherer is not actually a professor of anything, USC anticipates that Scherer will be well received by his colleagues because he has been playing a professor on TV for years.

After being introduced at a press conference, Scherer admitted that he “doesn’t know the first thing about law,” but he believes that opening his entire resource library of educational DVDs and training programs to USC’s law students can only help them “weather this economic tsunami”. Scherer markets himself as being able to provide “Knowledge at the Speed of Life.” While life in the job market for new attorneys may have slowed to a crawl, only The Video Professor can provide those intangible soft skills that busy law firms are ill-equipped to nurture.

A press release from USC’s Dean, William P. Harpington, also praised the addition of The Video Professor as a transformative moment in the school’s history. Dean Harpington’s statement noted that USC Law “has been too focused on providing its students with straightforward legal training.” He goes on to state that “the addition of new courses taught by The Video Professor allows us to swap out third year seminars on now defunct topics such as ‘Credit Default Swaps and the Law’ and ‘How to Securitize a Fraudulent Subprime Loan’ with ever practical and timely courses such as ‘Making the Most out of eBay’ and ‘Budget Online Travel Booking’. After all, at USC, like at most businesses, we feel it is necessary to adapt to the changing times. The addition of John Scherer to the faculty means our graduates are more likely to be driving down, and not begging alongside, this road we call life.”

The addition of The Video Professor is only one aspect of USC’s approach to equipping its students with the tools needed to pay back their private loans, with or without Big Law offers. Another primary component of USC’s strategic initiative includes the addition of Rosetta Stone kiosks in the men’s and women’s bathrooms. Harpington hopes that these displays will encourage students to “learn a new language and maybe look oversees for their next job.”

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Associate Accidentally E-Files Tax Return in the Southern District of Texas

Martin Phillips could have sworn he clicked on the right PDF last night when he was uploading his firm’s latest filing in the Carter v. Upshaw Industrials case pending in the United States District Court for the Southern District of Texas. Unfortunately, the next morning when he logged into LexisNexis to print out a copy of the filing so that he could tell partner Milton Simpson what it said, Martin realized he had screwed the pooch. Weary from an all-nighter of last minute research, Martin had not uploaded the motion to dismiss, but instead had electronically filed his 2009 Form 1040 tax return which was saved on his desktop for tweaking during downtime at the office.

“I was pretty surprised when I downloaded Upshaw Industrials’ filing and found a tax return instead of their motion,” said Melinda Delk, paralegal for the Plaintiff’s firm Endy & Yowl LLP. “I’ve seen Martin Phillips’ name on some of the pleadings, but I never thought I’d get to see his itemized deductions. To be honest, I was pretty embarrassed for him, but that guy should be proud of all of the money he gave to charity last year.”

While Melinda had a favorable reaction to the error, the same could not be said of the lead partner for the defendants. “Ok, I’ll admit it, I haven’t really bought into this whole e-file craze,” huffed an exasperated Mr. Simpson, one of the founding members of Sanders Simpson & Saul LLP. “Anytime something’s filed, I still have my paralegal print me out a copy and stack it on the corner of my desk until an associate comes in with another copy so he or she can tell me what it says.”

“However, the only reason we have younger associates around here is so that they can keep on top of this techno-Blackberry stuff,” bellowed an obviously frustrated Simpson. “Matt or Mark or whatever his name is, really made us look like rank amateurs with this whole filing. If the Generation Z kids can’t e-file correctly how does the court think this whole thing’s going to work? I for one am for the return to reliable days of the messenger pigeon.”

In his office next door to Mr. Simpson’s partner suite, Martin was figuring out how to get over the embarrassment of his mistake. “Clearly, I’m going to double-check my filing next time,” said a dejected Phillips. “I thought I clicked on ‘Upshaw.pdf’ but clearly must have clicked on ‘Upyours.pdf’ which is what I always name anything I submit to the federal government. An honest mistake, right?”

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“Highest Court in the Land” Home to Worst Basketball on Earth

With NCAA March Madness in full swing, Litination decided to take a trip to check out the legendary pick-up basketball games that are played in the Supreme Court gym. After two hours of observation, we are disappointed to report what many have suspected; the level of play is absolutely terrible. The gym located directly above the Supreme Court’s chamber was nicknamed the “Highest Court in the Land” by a witty, but painfully annoying clerk for Justice Rehnquist in the late 1970s. Regardless of its name, however, stories about the basketball that is played on this court are best left unpublished.

For years, the Court has been picking staff and clerks without any regard for athleticism. As a result, games typically start out with the goal of playing until one team scores eleven and end with an agreement that seven will do. Since “shooting for teams” is always a struggle, teams are usually divided up by just taking the first five people to tie their shoes.

The terrible play can also be attributed to Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. While Ginsburg has been sidelined from playing due to her recent battles with pancreatic cancer, her presence is still felt in every game. Since the Court’s 1992 decision in Franklin v. Gwinnett County Public Schools, which held schools failing to comply with Title IX could be sued for compensatory and punitive damages, Ginsburg has demanded that each pick-up game include two women. As a result, a female staffer who has never even played basketball before is automatically part of each game. According to rumor, there is an unwritten rule that if Samuel Alito plays, then only one woman is required to meet the “Ginsburg rule.”

While the press has indicated that President Obama is looking for a place for a consistent pick-up game, most of the people at the “Highest Court in the Land” are pretty sure he’s not going to choose the Supreme Court. “I’m a huge Obama fan,” huffed a Souter clerk when we reached him cleaning his mouth guard in the water fountain, “but I would be horrified if he came up here for a game. He might be a former law professor, but he could lose some faith in our judiciary system.” There is also general concern that Obama might use the opportunity to take out some leftover frustration from the inauguration on Chief Justice Roberts.

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Named Plaintiff Getting a Big Ego

Stewart Carpington remembers exactly how excited he was the day that he purchased his iPod Nano in 2005. “I just loved listening to that thing at work,” explained Carpington, a toll collector on New Jersey’s Garden State Parkway, “but I had no idea how much that piece of crap Nano would change my life.” One month after Carpington bought his iPod, he was contacted by Jennifer Brintzen of Campally & Jones LLP, one of the nation’s most successful plaintiffs’ firms. Brinzton wondered if Caprington ever noticed how easily his iPod Nano scratched, and if he did, would he be interested in becoming a named plaintiff in a class action lawsuit.

“I was surprised to get that call from the lawyer, because I didn’t see anything wrong with my Nano at first,” admitted Carpington, “but after she told me about the special reward I could get as a lead plaintiff, I rubbed the thing face down in my toll booth and bam, it was scratched so bad it wasn’t usable.” The next day Carpington signed up to be the named plaintiff in a class action against Apple seeking damages because the devices scratched excessively during normal usage, rendering the screen on the Nanos unreadable, and violating state consumer protection statutes.

As Mr. Carpington started meeting with lawyers and going to court appearances, he heard a number of comments about how other people needed to be more like him. Before long, this went straight to his head. For example, the night after his deposition Carpington and his wife stopped in for dinner at their neighborhood Applebee’s. When they were told the wait could be 30-45 minutes Stewart erupted with a “do you have any idea who I am?!” When the hostess rolled her eyes in response, Carpington stormed out of the restaurant yelling “you people have no idea how much I’m doing for you.”

Carpington has recently been spotted approaching complete strangers listening to Nanos and advising them to “join his cause.” His Chrysler Sebring also now sports a vanity license plant that says NANO PLTF. Carpington loves to walk around singing “Say My Name” by Destiny’s Child, until someone asks him what in the world he’s doing. He then huffs dramatically and says “um, hello, I’m the Carpington in Carpington v. Apple Computers. So unless you’re a moron, you have to realize that I’m kind of a big deal.”

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Environmental Lawyer Awkwardly Psyched About Global Warming

For environmental attorneys like Leslie Abercrane, Al Gore’s trip to testify before Congress last week was another important step in what has become an increasingly awkward journey. As experts claim that mankind’s time on Earth is coming to an end, the often overlooked and rarely overworked environmental litigator is torn between going green and living the dream.

“The first time I realized I was conflicted by this whole global warning thing,” explained Abercrane when reached by Litination for comment last week, “was when I went with some girlfriends to see ‘An Inconvenient Truth.’ As they were gasping at clips of ice caps melting I had to work hard not to break out in a celebratory dance. I mean the money train’s rolling my way baby, and it’s spitting out a ton of pollutants that need to be more heavily regulated as it heads down the tracks!”

As the Obama Administration starts to pour some more gas back into the engine of government oversight, law firms everywhere are beginning to gear up for the expected uptick in environmental litigation and regulatory work. With a powerful payday waiting in the wings, environmental specialists like Abercrane have been finding themselves cheating on Mother Earth in the hopes of boosting their bottom line.

“Look, I’m all for efforts to reduce our dangerous reliance on carbon-based fuels. What I’m not in favor of however is getting this whole thing resolved too quickly. I’m 53 and recently re-divorced so I need to milk this moment in the increasingly warm sunlight as long as we can bear it,” beamed Abercrane as she took Litination in a spin in her new Cadillac Escalade. “When I have friends who claim that these regulations are going to crush American business and result in the loss of jobs I can understand their frustration, but what do they expect me to do, spend the rest of my career doing Superfund litigation?”

For support, Abercrane has taken to spending more time with friends who are bankruptcy attorneys. “At least they can understand the reality that not everybody has to be unhappy when the sky is falling.”

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People’s Court to Resolve TV Circuit Split

Today’s announcement that The People’s Court will review Judge Judith Sheindlin’s (“Judge Judy”) decision in Kelly v. Albright means that a current split between reality television courtrooms should soon be resolved. The issue? Whether Bob Barker’s familiar plea for viewers of “The Price is Right” to have their dog spayed or neutered can be admitted as expert testimony.

In Kelly v. Albright, Judge Judy was presented with a dispute over the surprise neutering of a couple’s Doberman Pinscher by their pet sitter. The plaintiffs, Jeff and Mary Jo Kelly, sought compensation for emotional damages and loss of masculinity from 57-year old veteran pet watcher Linda Sue Albright. In defense, Albright claimed that she should not be liable for any wrongdoing because she was following her civic duty; a duty commonly espoused by TV personality Bob Barker.

Judge Judy immediately cut short Ms. Albright’s presentation of the Price Is Right clip that prompted her action on the ground that its introduction would constitute improper expert testimony. When Albright pleaded for the admission of the clip, Judge Judy simply responded with “zip it or we’re going to commercial.” Without the testimony from Mr. Barker, Albright’s only remaining defense was to claim temporary insanity; a clear loser based on her appearance on a television reality show. After a signature tongue-lashing by Judge Judy, Albright was ordered to sponsor a year’s worth of pet psychology sessions for the unnecessarily damaged Doberman.

Judge Joe Brown’s treatment of this issue in an October 12th episode cut the opposite direction. He admitted pet sitter Patricia Washington’s clip of Barker and then proceeded to rule against the devastated owner of a once manly pit bull. Judge Brown said that “a national treasure like Bob Barker, with a masterful knowledge of the vast array of games played on the Price is Right is clearly qualified to render an opinion as to the management of an animal’s reproductive organs.”

Judge Marilyn Milian of the People’s Court released a statement that the confusion plaguing the average, easily befuddled American as a result of inconsistent cable television judicial opinions must stop. “Now, more than ever, Americans need to know which TV personalities they can rely on. My opinion, the first appellate decision in the People’s Court history, will seek to help mend this growing hole in our national fabric.”

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