“Highest Court in the Land” Home to Worst Basketball on Earth

With NCAA March Madness in full swing, Litination decided to take a trip to check out the legendary pick-up basketball games that are played in the Supreme Court gym. After two hours of observation, we are disappointed to report what many have suspected; the level of play is absolutely terrible. The gym located directly above the Supreme Court’s chamber was nicknamed the “Highest Court in the Land” by a witty, but painfully annoying clerk for Justice Rehnquist in the late 1970s. Regardless of its name, however, stories about the basketball that is played on this court are best left unpublished.

For years, the Court has been picking staff and clerks without any regard for athleticism. As a result, games typically start out with the goal of playing until one team scores eleven and end with an agreement that seven will do. Since “shooting for teams” is always a struggle, teams are usually divided up by just taking the first five people to tie their shoes.

The terrible play can also be attributed to Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. While Ginsburg has been sidelined from playing due to her recent battles with pancreatic cancer, her presence is still felt in every game. Since the Court’s 1992 decision in Franklin v. Gwinnett County Public Schools, which held schools failing to comply with Title IX could be sued for compensatory and punitive damages, Ginsburg has demanded that each pick-up game include two women. As a result, a female staffer who has never even played basketball before is automatically part of each game. According to rumor, there is an unwritten rule that if Samuel Alito plays, then only one woman is required to meet the “Ginsburg rule.”

While the press has indicated that President Obama is looking for a place for a consistent pick-up game, most of the people at the “Highest Court in the Land” are pretty sure he’s not going to choose the Supreme Court. “I’m a huge Obama fan,” huffed a Souter clerk when we reached him cleaning his mouth guard in the water fountain, “but I would be horrified if he came up here for a game. He might be a former law professor, but he could lose some faith in our judiciary system.” There is also general concern that Obama might use the opportunity to take out some leftover frustration from the inauguration on Chief Justice Roberts.