Contract Attorney Decides to Spend Afternoon Reviewing Ex-Girlfriend's Emails

With work “kind of slow” these days, Evan McFadden has been searching for ways to fill his weekdays. A 2006 graduate of Tulane Law School, McFadden has spent much of the past three years working as a contract attorney. Typically, this means he will spend eight to twelve hours staring at a computer reviewing hundreds of documents per hour. With the downturn in litigation, however, McFadden hasn’t worked in almost a month.

Facing another day of Law & Order re-runs, McFadden made a decision today to get back on his document reviewing feet. Pulling on his old fraternity sweatshirt, he mapped out a plan to spend his afternoon reviewing the emails he exchanged with his college girlfriend Jess Phelps. “Jess and I used to email like multiple times an hour, every hour. Luckily, I saved all of these emails,” explained a focused McFadden. In order to feed his unhealthy obsession with his ex and keep his reviewing skills sharp, McFadden plans to sort the emails into key moments in their relationship.

“My plan is to look through everything first and flag the emails where we said that we loved each other,” explained McFadden. “I mean, she cheated on me during the end of our senior year, so I’m really interested to see if the love emails kind of trailed off at any point." McFadden also plans to scan Jess's emails for any reaction to the 20 or 30 poems he wrote her. "I think she liked them, but I can't remember if she ever verbalized it. Probably not, since I sent her most of them after we broke up."

Unfortunately, this is not the first time McFadden has reviewed emails for no legal purpose. Last fall, his roommate Jeff left for work while still logged into his email on his laptop. McFadden took advantage of this forgetful moment, by "honing his review skills" on Jeff's personal correspondence. "That really was a turning point in our friendship," explained a somewhat embarrassed McFadden. "I mean how can you take a guy seriously when you find out his Mom still calls him pumpkin pants?"

McFadden has promised himself not to get too down when reviewing the emails, but he hasn't ruled out a phone call if things get emotional. So Jess, if you're reading this, I hope you've changed your number.

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Partner Doppelganger

If Alston & Bird partner Nowell D. Berreth had a
doppelganger, it would be...

a deer in headlights.

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Supreme Court Kicks Off "No Votes = Free Floats" Promotion

WASHINGTON, DC - Think some ice cream drenched in a fountain soda of your choice can cure even the worst case of the legal blues? Even if you don’t, the Supreme Court of the United States sure does. Today, flanked by a life-sized root beer bottle and a mound of soft serve ice cream, Chief Justice John Roberts announced a new partnership between the nation’s highest court and A&W Root Beer that is sure to bring out the kid in any experienced appellate lawyer.

Under the terms of the promotion, titled “Float Your Argument Elsewhere,” each time the Supreme Court renders a decision, counsel for the losing side can use his or her Supreme Court visitor badge to redeem a free Root Beer Float at any participating A&W store. The badge must be used at an A&W within 24 hours of when the Supreme Court’s decision is announced and cannot be used in conjunction with any other promotion or redeemed for cash.

“A&W, with its ‘All American Food’ slogan seemed like a natural fit for this promotion,” explained Roberts when Litination sat down with him over a basket of Corn Dog Nuggets and Fries. “It was really the late Chief Justice Rehnquist’s idea, so it’s a shame he’s not here to see it in action. You see, since we only grant certiorari to review the most complicated issues, it was hard for Bill, and frankly all of us, to see the expressions on the losing attorneys’ faces. Now, with this promotion, you can actually see some of the fourth and fifth chair attorneys get a little excited at the frosty delight that’s headed their way.”

Roberts may be on to something. Local A&W store owner, Martin Van Clyven, can recall numerous times when he’s seen customers provide a Supreme Court visitor badge in exchange for Root Beer Float. “Most of the time, these people look like they haven’t slept or seen natural light in weeks so I feel a sense of relief in giving them a root beer float,” explained Clyven when questioned about the promotion. “What’s also interesting is that several times I’ve had these customers ask me for a job. Seriously, I’ve got a Columbia Law School grad running my store in Bethesda. I know, a little risky, but it’s not rocket science so I’m sure with time he’ll get the hang of it.”

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Attorney’s New TV Ad Kind of Embarrassing

About a month ago, Ron “The Hammer” Colton decided that he was going to start running television advertisements to drum up some new business. A personal injury attorney based in Knoxville, Tennessee, Colton has always been told that he was made for television. According to local rumor, Colton’s nickname is the result of his reputation as a maestro with the jury. Defense attorneys in Tennessee are consistently warned that if you have a case against Colton that goes to closing argument, he will drop “the hammer” and make sure a monster verdict comes raining down.

Colton’s TV move was prompted by the arrival of another big-name personal injury attorney in the Knoxville area. He decided that if he wanted to remain the big fish in town, he needed to raise his visibility. Unfortunately, his plans took an immediate wrong turn when he decided to use a client’s cousin to develop his television spot. The cousin, an alleged “TV producer from New York” was adamant that Colton needed all of the bells and whistles to get people to pay attention to his ad. The result? Colton is wishing the ad never happened.

The spot starts with a siren and then quickly cuts to “The Hammer” standing beside a pile of smoking wreckage from a car accident. As people struggle to extract themselves from the automobiles and safety personnel descend on the scene, Colton calmly pitches his 1-800 number. The editing makes Colton look callously ignorant of the human drama unfolding around him. The shot then flips to a bandaged client talking to Colton before the word negligence appears on the screen in all capital letters. Not a second later, a huge hammer obliterates the word negligence and its shatters into a million dollar signs.

The next scene shows Colton in an operating room discussing the life-changing consequences of medical malpractice. As the doctor appears to be delivering a child, Colton walks across the screen ticking off his largest med mal verdicts. There’s not even a nod to the soon to be new parents in the delivery room. Finally, the 30 second spot ends with Colton hovering over a scene straight from the movie “Independence Day” with the phrase “When the world wrongs you, fight back with the hammer” flashing on the screen.

“I tried to edit out most of the ‘over the top’ stuff,” explained a defensive Colton when Litination reached him for comment earlier today, “but Vinnie was insistent that we needed to go big." When asked if he thought this spot would harm his practice, Colton was defiant. "Are you kidding me? Any press is good press my friend; nothing's going to keep 'The Hammer' out of action." Despite the puffery, most that have seen the ad are confident that Colton's next round of advertising is almost certainly going to be limited to print or radio.

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Associate Photo Caption

"Are my cheeks always this red? No. Did this shirt and tie cut off all circulation to my head? Yes."

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Vault Dig Sparks Pathetic Shoving Episode at Labor Day Barbeque

According to numerous reports, a perfectly awesome Labor Day barbeque in Pittsburgh was ruined this year by another argument over law firm rankings. As eighteenth-ranked Florida State fell to unranked Miami, Jeff Carpol, a fourth-year Reed Smith associate, was all over his law school buddy Kevin Zunk. “Gotta love my Canes! Gotta love my Canes!” screamed Carpol as he pounded his chest in support of his college alma mater’s big win. Zunk, a fourth-year associate at K&L Gates and die hard Florida State grad, was able to sit there and take the abuse for a minute or two, but soon he began to shake with anger.

Unable to take the over-the-top ridicule raining down on him, Zunk went where he knew he shouldn’t go when he spouted out, “yeah, too bad your law firm can’t pull an upset in the Vault rankings Carpol.” The two friends didn’t bring up their law firm rankings too often, but both were aware that they were separated by a mere five spots in the bottom half of the recently published Vault 100. Sure, nobody has any idea what separates their two firms, but ever since they left Pitt Law and accepted their firm jobs you could just tell Zunk felt somewhat superior.

Zunk’s zinger pulled Carpol straight out of his victory dance and into a red-faced rage. “Whatever Kevin, like Vault has any idea how big our recent expansion into New Mexico is going to be,” snapped a clearly insulted Carpol. “Ha, New Mexico, try dropping the ‘New’ pal and then you’ll see where we’re headed as a firm,” countered a smug Zunk.

The Mexico versus New Mexico dig was the last word either would get in before the episode became truly humiliating. Carpol started it of by lunging at Zunk with both arms extended. His small to medium-sized shove and a “screw you” came across as borderline effeminate but only served to embolden Zunk who gave him the Heisman and a “don’t make me hurt you.”

These two really hadn’t been at it like this since their third year softball tournament when they disagreed over whether the rules allowed for a foul ball strikeout. Just like that time, however, their shoving match was broken up by Zunk’s embarrassed girlfriend, Mindy. Friends are hoping that the two will eventually refocus on their mutual fear of being laid off or getting their salaries cut in half or that the next time someone will at least throw a punch.

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