Partner Doppelganger

If Keating, Muething & Klekamp partner Patrick Fisher
had a doppelganger it would be...

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Associate Photo Caption

"Before becoming a lawyer, I spent a year living with a pride of lions."

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Tennessee Bar Association Takes on Esquire Magazine

Concerned that the unauthorized practice of law is beginning to “get out of hand”, the Tennessee Bar Association (TBA) recently announced that is has started a campaign to ban the sale of Esquire magazine throughout the state. While recent studies show that Esquire is read by less than .5% of Tennessee’s population, TBA President Haley Crutchinson deemed the move “vital to preserving the unique and proud role that the esquire designation holds in Tennessee society.”

In a press release distributed last week, Mr. Crutchinson pointed out that since colonial times, the title Esquire has been used to designate one trained to practice law. “To allow Esquire magazine to profit from the centuries of hard work that lawyers have had to put in to protect this designation is downright criminal,” hollered an irate Crutchinson during a speech at a TBA banquet in Nashville last month. “Further, I am worried that the average Tennessean will be misled by the advice that’s in the magazine. Nothing could be worse than what Esquire has been doing to undermine the special relationship that has always existed between attorney and client.”

Esquire public relations director Stuart Molkin has indicated that the company is trying to work with Mr. Crutchinson and the TBA to resolve this issue. “We are always committed to resolving any issues related to our magazine,” explained Mr. Molkin, “but to be honest, we are kind of frustrated with the situation because we really have no idea what Mr. Crutchinson is talking about. The feature story in our last issue was on Hollywood’s best dressed men. Construing that as legal advice is like mistaking a Hillary Clinton campaign flier for the Sport Illustrated swimsuit issue.”

When asked to point to specific instances when the magazine crossed the line, Mr. Crutchinson quickly points to a piece in the March 2007 issue of Esquire titled, “Divorcing with Grace: The Key to Sleeping with Your Secretary and Still Staying Friends with Your Ex-Wife.” “That article basically coached the reader through the difficult legal terrain that comes up when you’re going through a divorce,” explained the twice divorced Crutchinson. “It even suggested ways that men could make sure that ‘the kid’ would end up with Mom so as not to cramp the new bachelor’s style. Not only is this terrible advice, but it will only make our jobs as lawyers more difficult.”

Unfortunately for both sides, this incident has garnered national attention…and embarrassment. During his monologue last night, comedian Jay Leno said, “Don’t you think Tennessee lawyers should worry a little less about the unauthorized practice of law and a little more about the fact that there basically aren’t any laws in Tennessee?” Not to be outdone, Dave Letterman took a swipe at Esquire, claiming the only thing it should be concerned about being banned for is the “incompetent practice of journalism.”

Reached for comment on this issue at his Beverly Hills home last week, Esquire poster-child George Clooney simply stated that “none of this ever would have happened had somebody picked up the phone and called Michael Clayton.” Clooney then informed Litination that he was smiling seductively before asking if Esquire was still planning to name him the sexiest man alive for the eighth time in ten years.

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Partner Doppleganger

If K&L Gates partner Holly K. Towle had a doppleganger it would be...

"Ch-ch-ch-chia!"

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Highlighting Method Dries Up

Tulane first year law student Desirae Peters started preparing for 1L year immediately following her college graduation in May 2008 when she proudly purchased her very first hornbook, “Law School Confidential”. Once she read about the famous five color highlighting scheme for briefing cases, she couldn’t wait to get started on that first case in August. For those not privy to the deep secrets shared in this book, the “suggested” method involves highlighting in green for facts, yellow for the holding and procedural posture, orange for legal reasoning, purple for dissent and blue for court, judge, date and precedent cited.

According to several eye witnesses, the method flat out saved Ms. Peters from an unexpected line of questioning on the dissent’s rationale in week two of Contracts from the legendary Professor Smith. Then halfway through the semester, she flat out rocked her Torts midterm, receiving a surprise A- that she attributes entirely to her ability to specifically recall the yellow text in her casebook – the holding – photographically during the exam. Somewhere after that, however, the motto of “highlight sparingly” started to fade from her memory and the whole system got out of control.

Always looking to over-achieve and appear more organized to her section mates, Desirae’s started adding colors; first, it was light blue for dicta, and then it was red for topics she thought the professor would reference in the final. Before she knew it, her case textbooks began to resemble a child’s coloring book. By November, without even thinking through the consequences, she added black for passages addressed during class and brown for the topics the professor did end up addressing during class.

Unfortunately, finals have not been kind to Ms. ROYGBIV. Her idea to print out and highlight her class notes using this same nine color scheme proved costly as highlighter fading caused her to mistake the original blue precedent for light blue dicta during her Civ. Pro exam. Yikes. Then during her Torts final she ended up running out of time on the last essay because she spent too much time highlighting the questions. When she left her Criminal Law exam covered in tears and marker stains, other Tulane students began to wonder if maybe Ms. Peters spent too much time sniffing her highlighters this semester.

After this experience, Ms. Peters decided to sell her copy of “Law School Confidential” back to Tulane’s bookstore. Unfortunately they wouldn’t accept it – too many highlighted pages.

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Small Shop Web Flop

According to this website, the first step in a successful criminal defense is making sure to picture the judge as having a lightbulb for a head.

R. Brent Hankins, PC

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Associate Photo Caption

"Yeah, I know, I should have shaved and worn a tie. Cut me some slack tough guy."

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Small Shop Web Flop

Can you really call yourself "Breakstone & Associates" when your firm is Breakstone and one other associate? Maybe they were counting the enormous gavel on the home page?

Breakstone & Associates

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Pride In My Stride

I am a person on the move. You know who I am. I am the quick breeze that passes you by on your leisurely walk back from getting a cup of coffee. I'm the loud burst out of the office just a couple of minutes late to a meeting or seconds from an important filing deadline. Yeah, I’m the Tasmanian Devil on espresso. I'm a lawyer who takes pride in my stride.

See, when I need to go somewhere I want people to know that I mean business. And by business I mean the business of being busy. I don't have time to take a break from my robust legal career to go calmly from place to place. I need to be where I'm needed and I need to be there fast. Sometimes I might be darting to the copier or running to the mailroom to get something out via FedEx. Sometimes I'll just hold off on going to the bathroom so I need to take an emergency dash. But you'll never know whether I just received a call from Mother Nature or the Practice Group Leader. Why won't you know? Because I'm walking so fast you don't have time to ask me any questions.

Sometimes I'll even bark something loudly to my secretary so that I can fluff my feathers for those within earshot. "Hey Janet, I'm off to a meeting, I'll be back in an hour or two so send my calls to voicemail, k?!? Sure, Janet always ignores my calls and they go to voicemail anyway, but that's neither here nor there. I'm not doing it for her, I'm doing it for the show - my show.

Sometimes maybe I'll even get a text message as I'm burning the carpet on my way to the bathroom. You want to see poetry in motion? Watch me respond to an email from my Mom and get a text pic from my girlfriend while I’m on my way to be fashionably late to a meeting with my document review team.

Oh no. Would you look at that?! It's seven and I've got some big-time plans tonight. Ok, not really, but I'm spent. It's high time I hightailed it out of with a couple of long sighs as I'm passing by the partners' offices. Maybe I’ll even drop a grunt of frustration on my fly-by of my fourth year associate crush. That way she’ll hopefully look up to see that I'm carting my laptop and a couple of old files out the door so that I can burn the midnight oil with a carton of Chinese food like Tom Cruise in the Firm.

Do I need my computer to redact the files I’m taking with me for privilege? No, but who knows when a research assignment could hit. With the speed I'm moving, you just never know.

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Google Added as Permanent 13th Juror

Realizing that the internet age has changed the reality of jury deliberations, the San Francisco Superior Court declared yesterday that it intends to add Google as a permanent 13th juror in all future trials. Chief Justice Steven Creet announced the decision via a text message during this year’s Juror Appreciation Day ceremony. “Jurors, from this point forward, we agree to play by your rules. Thx 4 ur service.”

“Let me tell you about the straw that broke the camel’s back,” Creet explained when reached via telephone. “The other month, a defense attorney told me that he got feedback on his opening statement from a friend who read about it on one of the juror’s Facebook pages. Apparently, it was an excruciating experience for the juror and she wanted to let her friends and family feel her pain. After that incident, we decided we needed to meet our jurors half way or the process might lose credibility.”

As a result of this change, the Superior Court’s standard jury charge has undergone some revision. The following section:

“Jurors must not conduct any investigation of the case before them. As a juror you must not become an amateur detective. For instance, you must not visit the scene of an accident, an alleged crime, or any event or transaction involved in the case. Neither should you conduct experiments or consult any other person or reference works for additional information.”

Now is to be stated as follows:

“Jurors, we might as well just be honest with each other from the get go. Even if I tell you not to consult outside sources during the course of this trial, the minute we call it a day you’re going to be all over the internet channeling your inner Sherlock Holmes. So, during each and every break make sure you take time to gather around the computer in the jury deliberation room and Google anything you want. Just make sure you elect a foreperson who can type.”

Jurors have had mixed reactions to the news. “I just hope our foreperson lets me do some internet shopping if there’s nothing to Google,” said a smiling juror number 4. In contrast, juror number 7 was heard grumbling for a pay raise if the job now involved research.

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Partner Doppelganger

If Kirkland & Ellis partner Joel Blanchet had a doppelganger it would be...



America's most medicated talk radio personality, Rush Limbaugh. Lucky guy.

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Local Lawyer Oblivious to Unduly Burdensome and Overly Broad

It is well known around Wheeling, West Virginia that defense attorney Martin Glasscart will fight each and every one of his cases to the bitter end. Consistent with this practice, Mr. Glasscart’s favorite defense tactic is to slow down an inevitable loss through discovery and the more confusing he makes his interrogatories or his discovery responses the better.

In one particularly confounding request, Glasscart asked for all documents, things, objects, clothing, thoughts, notes, words, furniture, or televisions shows that would either prove or disprove or could have the propensity to prove something that could or could not potentially, if all the right factors were in place, depending on the angle or perspective of the documents, things, objects, clothing, thoughts, notes, words, furniture or television shows referenced, as defined in the definitions section of defendant’s first set of interrogatories, caused or could have caused plaintiff to have understood, or thought to have understood without reference to knowledge or intuition but strictly relating to common sense, or the sub-senses contained therein, to contribute to the injuries alleged or implied in the words, deeds, actions, or other elements associated with the present complaint.

Glasscart also typically drafts interrogatories by suspending Word’s automatic paragraph numbering function in order to intersperse misplaced paragraphs and utilize an indecipherable method for labeling sub-, subsub-, and subsubsubparagraphs. This allows him to intersperse a second Interrogatory 7 after Interrogatory 12(A)(b)(i)(2).

Glasscart’s answers to discovery are no better. His most often-used phrases in response to interrogatories are “finders keepers, losers weepers,” “let’s not make a mountain out of a molehill” and “wouldn’t you like to know.” An informal survey of Mr. Glasscart’s adversaries did uncover that he normally buckles once a motion to compel is threatened, but that will often only come after weeks and months of letter writing and meet and confers have taken place.

“The way I see it,” responded a triumphant Glasscart in response to an inquiry from Litination, “the extra cost that my opponent pumps into dealing with discovery puts my clients one step closer to a reasonable settlement….or in other words, don’t hate the player, hate the game.”

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