Litination is willing to take Judicial Notice of the fact that praciticing law can be stressful. That's why lots of practicing lawyers advise others to choose a different career path. Thanks to the article below, this conversation should get much easier.
Prospective lawyer: "I think I'm going to apply to law school, I just love the idea of being a lawyer."
Practicing lawyer: "Listen kid, this is not something you want to pursue. If you do, you'll be saddled with a constant feeling of impending doom equivalent to that dream you've probably had about wearing your underwear to class or forgetting to study for a test. In time, this will cause all of your emotions to die...just die."
Prospective lawyer: "Um, ok. Point taken. I think I'll go with Plan B and enlist in the military."
"Law Practice Can Trigger Stress Disorder, says Attorney Who Now Works as Therapist"
If you've missed a filing deadline, forgotten a client meeting, or double-booked a deposition, you know that a good excuse can be crucial. Lawyers aren't known for their creativity, but Litination can't imagine a lawyer trying "I had an early morning gig as a clown." On the other hand, "I had to go to the hospital because I drank antifreeze" seems much more plausible. 
Angela Markson usually ends up regretting her weekly trip to Taco Bell with her husband Jeffrey. This past Thursday, however, Markson wept openly as Kentucky District Court Judge Wilbur Arkinson ruled the usual consequences of "burrito night" were sufficient to create the probable cause necessary for police to search their parked vehicle and obtain the evidence that was being used to charge the Marksons with theft.
“Team TP” is in many respects a small law firm. Baker Botts has three senior partners, two junior partners, six associates, and two paralegals working on the Tycoon Products defense. Since Baker Botts adheres to the “substantive work goes to the highest biller” model, Wilmore’s tasks have consisted almost entirely of document review and memos summarizing deposition transcripts. Not surprisingly, Wilmore has never interacted with anyone at Tycoon. One time, a partner on the case emailed that Tycoon’s General Counsel was coming to the firm, but somehow there wasn’t enough time in the day to bring him by Wilmore’s interior office for a meeting. Today, Wilmore will probably not even get introduced on the call, but he will hear something first-hand for the first time. According to one of Wilmore’s colleagues, “he’s got a little bit more of a bounce in his step today. I mean it’s not every day that an associate get this close to the client. It shows the partners have confidence that he won’t blow the situation by….well, hmm, how could he blow that situation? Maybe they just don’t want too many people to realize how it’s not that hard to talk to clients?” When we reached Wilmore minutes before the call, he seemed ready to go. “I have several pens and a notepad ready so that I can take some seriously detailed notes today,” he explained energetically. “I’ll probably have to cancel my dinner plans tonight too because I want to turn around the interview summary memo fast.” When we questioned Wilmore on whether he anticipates actually speaking on the call, he just looked back blankly – “You do realize I work at Baker Botts, right?” And then he hung up. Guess his phone skills do need some work.
For the first time since he joined Baker Botts two years ago, associate Paul Wilmore has a pretty important meeting on his Outlook calendar. This afternoon, sixth-year associate Jason Moon has asked Wilmore to second-chair a conference call with an employee at firm client Tycoon Products. Baker Botts has been defending products liability lawsuits against Tycoon related to its weight loss pill “Metabozilla” since early 2007 and Wilmore has been part of “Team TP” since he billed his first minute at the firm.
When Paul Hastings partner Jeffrey Schmidt flipped through his calendar this past Monday he was utterly mystified at what he saw. Friday, the day he was planning to leave early to “drum up business” at the local racquet club, was completely blocked off for a jury trial in the United States District Court for the District of Columbia. “It couldn’t be,” Schmidt thought to himself. “That case for Wilkinson Oil has to have settled.” Then it hit him, in the midst of consistently ignoring phone calls and emails, he had totally forgotten to settle the case. As a result, Schmidt was potentially encountering something he hadn’t seen in more than a dozen years of BigLaw practice – a case that actually needs to be tried in front of a judge or jury.
Frantically, Schmidt scanned his brain for the name of the associate who handles the Wilkinson Oil case. After some trial and error, he reached Elizabeth Cummings, a fifth year that he only remembered as someone who sent way too many emails. Cummings was ecstatic at hearing from Schmidt. “Jeff, thank God you called – where have you been? I have been trying to reach you since the court denied our summary judgment motion three months ago! I’ve been flying this ship without a proper license and I need your help.” Schmidt apologized for being “out of pocket” and agreed to meet Cummings in a conference room on the 22nd floor to get up to speed.
Two hours later, Schmidt finally made his way to the conference room where encountered a bleary Cummings surrounded by stacks of boxes, notepads and take-out containers. “What in the world have you been doing in here?” Schmidt asked with incredulity. “Isn’t this just a breach of contract case?” Cummings, resisting the urge to dive at Schmidt and stuff every piece of paper in the room down his throat, calmly replied, “Well Jeff, per my daily emails and voicemails I have been finalizing our exhibit and witness lists, preparing deposition designations and filing motions in limine by last Friday’s deadline!”
As Cummings spoke, Schmidt got immediately distracted by how much she looked like his niece from Colorado before getting completely overwhelmed by a pounding headache. “Cummings!” Schmidt interjected. “Please stop. My brain can’t take all of this at once. I’m going to talk to the client about resolving this thing so you can stand down.” Cummings again quickly counted to 10 before asking if Schmidt got the “settlement is not an option” email from the client last week.
Schmidt feigned anger, muttered “of course I did” and stormed out of the room to return to his office. Alone in his office a moment later, his heart racing, Schmidt tried to calm his emotions before turning to his computer, pulling up Google and typing in “books on how to try a breach of contract case.” Good luck Wilkinson Oil, good luck.
“It really snuck up on me,” explained a shaken Clamp in the hallway outside of the courtroom. “At my age, I’m constantly searching for a new passion. When I was talking in there it just hit me, all of this time the passion of my life has been residing right there … in my vocal cords.” Clamp stopped for a moment to ponder what this all meant before pulling out a dictation device and running through a string of tongue-twisters all while sporting a grin from ear to ear. According to his colleagues, Clamp has been in denial that he’s been in love with his voice for years. “While most people shut their doors when they’re on a conference call, Sandy is notorious for leaving his door open so that his voice can bounce off the halls and all who are lucky can hear his long-winded answers to even the most straightforward questions,” explained Jackie Zechman, Clamp’s next door neighbor at plaintiffs’ firm Clamp, Stump & Foster LLP. “It could be worse though, he does have an oddly melodic voice. I mean, geez, there’s a reason we always have him read ‘Twas the Night Before The Class Action’ at our annual Holiday party.” Members of Clamp’s family agree that the litigator loves to hear the sound of his own voice. “Usually, our conversations consist of Dad asking me a question and then him answering that question for a good 5-10 minutes before getting a phone call and starting another conversation,” explained Trevor, Sandy Clamp’s often overlooked fifteen year-old son. Clamp’s wife, Valerie, was not upset about her husband’s other love. “Do you know how many fines and tickets that voice has gotten us out of? One time, he actually talked to our cable company so long the representative fell asleep. When he woke up, Sandy threatened to report him to a supervisor. Needless to say, we’ve had free cable for years!”
Yesterday, during his closing argument on a price-fixing case, local attorney, Sandy Clamp, was caught completely off-guard when he fell head over heels with the sound of the words coming out of his mouth. According to reports, the fifty-five year old Clamp was methodically summarizing the key testimony offered by his client when he became inappropriately misty-eyed. He then turned to the jury and softly asked, “Don’t you just love the way that sounds?” before requesting a five-minute recess to compose himself.
Jack Wilkins, a third-year litigation associate in Baker Botts, LLP’s Washington, D.C. office likes to say his Blackberry had him at hello. Pretty much whenever he has a free minute, or if there’s a pause in conversation, Wilkins is heads down, thumb scrolling on his handheld. This addiction has lead to some socially unacceptable behavior. For example, he’s seen his average time in the bathroom almost double as a result of his complete obsession with several of the free games that he’s downloaded. His Blackberry time has also become difficult to manage at work.
In meetings, Wilkins, like many of his colleagues, is constantly checking his Blackberry when the spotlight is focused elsewhere. Due to the fact that he almost always has a non-speaking role at meetings, he has even become accustomed to launching an all-consuming game of Brick Breaker – a classic video game that challenges you to clear stages by using a paddle to destroy bricks one by one – to pass the time. Sometimes this can cause him to miss almost everything that is covered.
Recently, Brick Breaker became a deal breaker for Wilkins. At a team meeting on pre-trial strategy, Wilkins reached his highest level on Brick Breaker to date just as the lead partner, on the case, Calvin Cambridge, was laying out a key weakness. Unable to contain his emotions, Wilkins audibly let out a “Yes!” right as Cambridge stated that there’s a chance that the client’s lead corporate witness could have his credibility seriously damaged on cross-examination.
As everyone in the conference room turned to in shock, Cambridge asked Wilkins what could possibly be positive about such a situation. Crushed by the fact that his outburst had cost him an even higher Brick Breaker score, Wilkins responded with “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” and then quickly excused himself to use the restroom to avoid the deafening silence that followed. The repercussions for Wilkins have been immediate. He has been dropped from his rightful place as the third person copied on case-related emails. Some of Wilkins’ colleagues think that his position as head of the document review team is also in jeopardy. Sounds like someone is in need of treatment for his crackberry addiction.
“The creative law firm will emerge the successful law firm.” Such were the words chosen by Latham & Watkins LLP’s managing partner Charles “Chip” Phillips earlier this week when he announced the megafirm’s plans to revamp its office libraries into modern day legal museums. Latham plans to transform these often unused spaces into exhibit halls that will “celebrate the old-fashioned practice of law that existed before the dawn of the digital age.”
“Most law firms don’t have a plan for what to do with the mountains of books and journals that they have compiled over the years,” explained Phillips. “We decided to turn this challenge into an opportunity to bring clients from all walks of life to our offices to see the way law was practiced in eras gone by.” Latham plans to make its museums an interactive experience. For example, Westlaw and LexisNexis have signed up to provide a “hands-on exhibit” where visitors will be timed on how long it takes them to find a case supporting an argument in “the books” versus an online search. A display called “Getting a Little Dewey Eyed” will reflect on how the Dewey Decimal system helped spark the growth of the legal industry. And visitors will have the opportunity to sit in chairs and flip through legal treatises like attorneys did before becoming latched to a keyboard and monitor.
Latham currently plans to offer existing and prospective clients free tours while charging the public $5 per person to take a walk through the firm’s former library space. The hope is that the entry fee for visitors and general donations will help cover the operating costs of these legal library museums. The firm is also considering allowing individuals to check out books like an actual library with the hopes that when they go home and read through a particular treatise they might spot a legal issue they have and then come back to the firm to request legal assistance.
Library staff will receive training in museum operations and tour guidance before this transition is finalized. “You know how much everyone’s enjoying that TV show ‘Mad Men’ on AMC?” explained an over-excited Chip Phillips. “Well, that made it clear to us that the past is important. We want to keep the memory of the golden legal ages alive. In fact, we might even have to double our library, I mean museum, staff. The folks we have aren't exactly used to putting in a full day, if you know what I mean.” Despite Phillips' obvious enthusiasm, it still remains to be seen whether other firms will follow Latham's approach to creative use of useless office space.
Former Clyburn second-year associate and college gymnast, Monica Upshaw, has recently sued the law firm for the harassment that she received as a result of her photo spread. According to the complaint filed in federal court, the looks and calls Upshaw received once her firm profile went public drove her to quit her job and have ruined her chances for future employment in the legal community. The profile, which included the tagline “I’ll do flips for you,” has since been taken down by Clyburn, but was attached to the complaint. It showed Upshaw in three different photos. The first was a standard full-body shot in business attire; the second was the same pose in a leotard; and the third was a mid-air shot of Upshaw flipping over her desk while holding a laptop. According to Upshaw’s complaint, after her firm profile picture was changed “against her will,” co-workers began to comment on her body. Most frequently she received comments such as “now that I’ve seen you, I’m a believer.” Partners also allegedly asked Upshaw to perform flips and splits in front of clients. A process that she found “more degrading than anything she’s done besides typing up notes from conference calls or coordinating travel plans.” Some predict that this lawsuit is only the tip of the iceberg. “I have a friend who just went through the whole re-branding experience at his law firm,” reported a disgruntled attorney when approached for comment on this story by Litination. “He’s a larger man who used to get the utmost deference from clients and opposing counsel. Now, however, he almost always gets a ‘how’s it going big guy’ when he talks to someone he’s never met. He even told me that recently when a party forgot to mute their phone on a conference call he heard someone singing the ‘five dollar foot long’ Subway jingle after he announced his name. That’s going to be a huge claim (no pun intended).” Maybe the rush away from headshots wasn’t the best idea. Isn’t it common knowledge that most lawyers are more cut out for radio than for TV?
Consistent with its new slogan “Seeing is Believing,” Atlanta law firm Clyburn & Murphy LLP recently made a decision to revamp its website. Gone are the black and white headshots of attorneys that are so frequently found on law firm websites. In their place are color spreads of three photos (including at least one “full-body shot”) for each attorney. The goal? Let clients see a different, more personal side of their lawyers. The result? A sexual harassment lawsuit.
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the future,” beamed a confident Shawn Hoover, the President of the newly launched Bloomberg Law last night as he pitched his nascent company to a standing room only crowd of attorneys at the company’s offices in Manhattan. “Today, you can put your long days and nights of fruitless searching behind you. Bloomberg Law is here to save your day and quite possibly the entire legal industry!”
The key component to Bloomberg Law’s pitch is its proprietary search functionality, called “Snap, I Found It.” The company claims this technology will quickly make lawyers realize that the days of Westlaw and LexisNexis are numbered. According to Bloomberg Law’s promotional materials, the “Snap, I Found It” feature can handle the most ridiculous search phrases and locate the case law that can support even the most incomprehensible arguments. In very limited instances when a case can’t be located, "Snap, I Found It" will generate a comprehensive analysis as to why looking for the case in the first place was a really stupid idea.
Before the launch of this new functionality, lawyers' only options were the often disappointing “Focus” and “Locate” features offered by LexisNexis and Westlaw. These tools were of little help to lawyers who were given tasks like finding a case in Montana that allows for a defendant to avoid paying damages when the jury awarded a verdict for the plaintiff. With “Snap, I Found It,” the lawyer can confidently either locate the case or print out a Bloomberg Law certified response that such a case simply can't be found.
Lawyers everywhere are chomping at the bit to the use the new technology. “Honestly, I am really kind of angry at LexisNexis after making me press ‘focus’ on my searches all of these years,” explained an attorney who asked to remain anonymous out of fear that he'd lose his weekly free time. “Focusing is kind of my job so please just give me the results already.” Other lawyers claim that Westlaw’s ‘locate’ feature makes them feel ridiculous. “Locate? That's what I was trying to do with my initial search. Seems like there's a problem with the software and not the searcher," explained an annoyed attorney who identified herself as a 50-state survey aficionado. “I can’t wait for another option in the legal world."
Welcome Bloomberg Law, the Litination awaits your impact on the profession.
Read More......According to the AmLaw Daily, the four horsemen of the associate apocalypse will be named Bingham, McCutchen, Nixon, and Peabody. Is it only a matter of time before we see an article about associate death by a thousand salary cuts? Click on the picture below for the full story.
With work “kind of slow” these days, Evan McFadden has been searching for ways to fill his weekdays. A 2006 graduate of Tulane Law School, McFadden has spent much of the past three years working as a contract attorney. Typically, this means he will spend eight to twelve hours staring at a computer reviewing hundreds of documents per hour. With the downturn in litigation, however, McFadden hasn’t worked in almost a month.
Facing another day of Law & Order re-runs, McFadden made a decision today to get back on his document reviewing feet. Pulling on his old fraternity sweatshirt, he mapped out a plan to spend his afternoon reviewing the emails he exchanged with his college girlfriend Jess Phelps. “Jess and I used to email like multiple times an hour, every hour. Luckily, I saved all of these emails,” explained a focused McFadden. In order to feed his unhealthy obsession with his ex and keep his reviewing skills sharp, McFadden plans to sort the emails into key moments in their relationship.
“My plan is to look through everything first and flag the emails where we said that we loved each other,” explained McFadden. “I mean, she cheated on me during the end of our senior year, so I’m really interested to see if the love emails kind of trailed off at any point." McFadden also plans to scan Jess's emails for any reaction to the 20 or 30 poems he wrote her. "I think she liked them, but I can't remember if she ever verbalized it. Probably not, since I sent her most of them after we broke up."
Unfortunately, this is not the first time McFadden has reviewed emails for no legal purpose. Last fall, his roommate Jeff left for work while still logged into his email on his laptop. McFadden took advantage of this forgetful moment, by "honing his review skills" on Jeff's personal correspondence. "That really was a turning point in our friendship," explained a somewhat embarrassed McFadden. "I mean how can you take a guy seriously when you find out his Mom still calls him pumpkin pants?"
McFadden has promised himself not to get too down when reviewing the emails, but he hasn't ruled out a phone call if things get emotional. So Jess, if you're reading this, I hope you've changed your number.
Under the terms of the promotion, titled “Float Your Argument Elsewhere,” each time the Supreme Court renders a decision, counsel for the losing side can use his or her Supreme Court visitor badge to redeem a free Root Beer Float at any participating A&W store. The badge must be used at an A&W within 24 hours of when the Supreme Court’s decision is announced and cannot be used in conjunction with any other promotion or redeemed for cash.
“A&W, with its ‘All American Food’ slogan seemed like a natural fit for this promotion,” explained Roberts when Litination sat down with him over a basket of Corn Dog Nuggets and Fries. “It was really the late Chief Justice Rehnquist’s idea, so it’s a shame he’s not here to see it in action. You see, since we only grant certiorari to review the most complicated issues, it was hard for Bill, and frankly all of us, to see the expressions on the losing attorneys’ faces. Now, with this promotion, you can actually see some of the fourth and fifth chair attorneys get a little excited at the frosty delight that’s headed their way.”
Roberts may be on to something. Local A&W store owner, Martin Van Clyven, can recall numerous times when he’s seen customers provide a Supreme Court visitor badge in exchange for Root Beer Float. “Most of the time, these people look like they haven’t slept or seen natural light in weeks so I feel a sense of relief in giving them a root beer float,” explained Clyven when questioned about the promotion. “What’s also interesting is that several times I’ve had these customers ask me for a job. Seriously, I’ve got a Columbia Law School grad running my store in Bethesda. I know, a little risky, but it’s not rocket science so I’m sure with time he’ll get the hang of it.”
About a month ago, Ron “The Hammer” Colton decided that he was going to start running television advertisements to drum up some new business. A personal injury attorney based in Knoxville, Tennessee, Colton has always been told that he was made for television. According to local rumor, Colton’s nickname is the result of his reputation as a maestro with the jury. Defense attorneys in Tennessee are consistently warned that if you have a case against Colton that goes to closing argument, he will drop “the hammer” and make sure a monster verdict comes raining down.
Colton’s TV move was prompted by the arrival of another big-name personal injury attorney in the Knoxville area. He decided that if he wanted to remain the big fish in town, he needed to raise his visibility. Unfortunately, his plans took an immediate wrong turn when he decided to use a client’s cousin to develop his television spot. The cousin, an alleged “TV producer from New York” was adamant that Colton needed all of the bells and whistles to get people to pay attention to his ad. The result? Colton is wishing the ad never happened.
The spot starts with a siren and then quickly cuts to “The Hammer” standing beside a pile of smoking wreckage from a car accident. As people struggle to extract themselves from the automobiles and safety personnel descend on the scene, Colton calmly pitches his 1-800 number. The editing makes Colton look callously ignorant of the human drama unfolding around him. The shot then flips to a bandaged client talking to Colton before the word negligence appears on the screen in all capital letters. Not a second later, a huge hammer obliterates the word negligence and its shatters into a million dollar signs.
The next scene shows Colton in an operating room discussing the life-changing consequences of medical malpractice. As the doctor appears to be delivering a child, Colton walks across the screen ticking off his largest med mal verdicts. There’s not even a nod to the soon to be new parents in the delivery room. Finally, the 30 second spot ends with Colton hovering over a scene straight from the movie “Independence Day” with the phrase “When the world wrongs you, fight back with the hammer” flashing on the screen.
“I tried to edit out most of the ‘over the top’ stuff,” explained a defensive Colton when Litination reached him for comment earlier today, “but Vinnie was insistent that we needed to go big." When asked if he thought this spot would harm his practice, Colton was defiant. "Are you kidding me? Any press is good press my friend; nothing's going to keep 'The Hammer' out of action." Despite the puffery, most that have seen the ad are confident that Colton's next round of advertising is almost certainly going to be limited to print or radio.
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According to numerous reports, a perfectly awesome Labor Day barbeque in Pittsburgh was ruined this year by another argument over law firm rankings. As eighteenth-ranked Florida State fell to unranked Miami, Jeff Carpol, a fourth-year Reed Smith associate, was all over his law school buddy Kevin Zunk. “Gotta love my Canes! Gotta love my Canes!” screamed Carpol as he pounded his chest in support of his college alma mater’s big win. Zunk, a fourth-year associate at K&L Gates and die hard Florida State grad, was able to sit there and take the abuse for a minute or two, but soon he began to shake with anger.
Unable to take the over-the-top ridicule raining down on him, Zunk went where he knew he shouldn’t go when he spouted out, “yeah, too bad your law firm can’t pull an upset in the Vault rankings Carpol.” The two friends didn’t bring up their law firm rankings too often, but both were aware that they were separated by a mere five spots in the bottom half of the recently published Vault 100. Sure, nobody has any idea what separates their two firms, but ever since they left Pitt Law and accepted their firm jobs you could just tell Zunk felt somewhat superior.
Zunk’s zinger pulled Carpol straight out of his victory dance and into a red-faced rage. “Whatever Kevin, like Vault has any idea how big our recent expansion into New Mexico is going to be,” snapped a clearly insulted Carpol. “Ha, New Mexico, try dropping the ‘New’ pal and then you’ll see where we’re headed as a firm,” countered a smug Zunk.
The Mexico versus New Mexico dig was the last word either would get in before the episode became truly humiliating. Carpol started it of by lunging at Zunk with both arms extended. His small to medium-sized shove and a “screw you” came across as borderline effeminate but only served to embolden Zunk who gave him the Heisman and a “don’t make me hurt you.”
These two really hadn’t been at it like this since their third year softball tournament when they disagreed over whether the rules allowed for a foul ball strikeout. Just like that time, however, their shoving match was broken up by Zunk’s embarrassed girlfriend, Mindy. Friends are hoping that the two will eventually refocus on their mutual fear of being laid off or getting their salaries cut in half or that the next time someone will at least throw a punch.
10) Your firm’s biggest clients were Linens & Things and Circuit City.
9) The performance metric at your firm has changed from profits per partner to pro bono cases per partner.
8) The only associates left at your firm are relatives.
7) Your firm’s start date for new associates is 2020.
6) Nobody in your firm has heard of Litination.
5) Your firm used to focus on mortgage-backed securities.
4) Most of your firm’s office space has been converted to apartments.
3) Your firm thought it was worthwhile to increase its vending machine rates by 25 cents.
2) Blackberries are only a fruit at your firm.
1) Your firm no longer exists.
In a move that is certain to send rumblings through the legal community, New York City law firms Kittredge, Milbank, Johnson, Carter, Steiner & Jones LLP and Smith, Peters, Milton, Green, Greene & Neumann LLP have merged to create the longest named law firm in United States history.
The new firm of Kittredge, Smith, Milbank, Peters, Johnson, Milton, Carter, Green, Steiner, Greene, Jones & Neumann LLP will total a combined 9,485 lawyers spanning the globe from New York City to Bangladesh.
Chairman of the newly created firm, Martin Milbank says he is not worried about having a firm with such a long name. “Seriously, I think people are tired of not knowing who is really in charge when dealing with a law firm,” remarked Milbank. “With all of the names listed on our letterhead, our clients will finally know where the buck stops.” When pressed about how that logic would apply to the six names in the firm’s title that belong to now deceased partners, Milbanks brushed aside such criticism with a dismissive, “that’s neither here nor there.”
The new firm’s website http://www.ksmpjmcgsgjn.com is also breaking boundaries as far as how firms market themselves on the web. In an era where law firms are trending toward shorter names and hence shorter web addresses, Kittredge, Smith, Milbank, Peters, Johnson, Milton, Carter, Green, Steiner, Greene, Jones & Neumann LLP is marching to the beat of its own drum. This, however, is not sitting well with new associate Lauren Epcott who is frustrated at how hard it will be to get friends and relatives to get to her firm’s website.
“Honestly, when I tried telling my Mom where she could go online to see my picture and biography on the firm’s website, it was a nightmare,” complained Epcott. “My Mom literally asked me to start over three times, and one time when I was right in the middle of listing out our web address our cell phone connection cut out.” Lauren also remarked that her new business card is so full of names that it’s impossible to write her personal cellphone number on it when she’s handing it out at bars. “Since the merger, I haven’t had one guy call me back after giving out my number at a bar. I think it’s because of how small of a space I have to write anything on my business card.” Epcott remarked sadly. “When we were just Smith, Peters, Milton, Green, Greene & Neumann LLP I was hooking up like twice a week…this is miserable.”
Also frustrated with the merger is firm receptionist Betty Kunkle. Saying “Hello, this is Kittredge, Smith, Milbank, Peters, Johnson, Milton, Carter, Green, Steiner, Greene, Jones & Neumann LLP, how may I direct your call isn’t a walk in the park,” said Kunkle. “I mean I used to have our firm’s name down without a problem, but now every time I answer the phone I’m leaving out at least one name,” said Kunkle. In fact, Kunkle admits that sometimes she just doesn’t say the firm’s name when she answers the phone. “I know it’s not professional and all that, but sometimes my mouth just hurts saying all of those names,” admitted a defeated Kunkle.
The recent merger flys in the face of the recent move by Kipler, Davis, Whitler & Penny P.C. which recently changed its firm name to the symbol “!”. Bill Kipler, managing partner at “!” claimed, “our new name shows our commitment to reducing our client’s costs; just think how many billable hours are saved no longer typing out our entire name on pleadings, letters, etc.” This is a change from the move “!” made two years ago when it started calling itself “the law firm formerly known as Kipler, Davis, Whitler & Penny.” Such a move truly back-fired as most of the firm’s clients thought the firm had ceased operations. What all of these changes mean nobody really knows. One thing is clear, according to Martin Milbank and the lawyers at KSMPJMCGSGJN LLP, “the practice of law will always be more than a bunch of name calling.” Or will it…?
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9. You fell into a coma during the Sotomayor hearings and only woke up two days before test day.
8. Instead of starting to “bear down” after Independence Day, you coasted until after Bastille Day.
7. Inspired by Sarah Palin, you lost a week thinking that the best way to achieve your goals is to quit.
6. Your law firm broke up with you two weeks ago and you’re still a wreck.
5. You got arrested crawling through the window of your apartment because you forgot your keys.
4. Bar/Bri gave you a score of “Are you kidding me?” on your first graded essay question.
3. Worried that Obama might slip a question on nationalized health care into the MBE, you spent five days trying to understand the 1,000 page House bill.
2. Kaplan’s three-day MBE seminar only helped you eliminate one of the four choices on most of the multiple choice questions.
1. You were counting on everything in your life being deferred for a year.
“If thou look'st busy, thou shall remain employed.” As news of cost-cutting permeates the legal industry, the appearance of an active practice has never been more important. For some, however, even the best ruse can’t save the inevitable pink slip. Take, for example, Melvin Crumstack, an associate in Foley and Lardner LLP’s corporate group who was axed last week.
According to numerous reports, Crumstack last worked on a billable matter in “late 2008,” but he kept his office as cluttered as possible over the past seven months in order to give those who walked by the impression that he was buried in work. “Oh man, Crumstack was really legendary,” commented an anonymous fourth-year from Foley & Lardner when Litination contacted her yesterday. “Even though it was common knowledge that he had jack squat to do, you would always see him in his office sifting through a mountain of papers while audibly sighing and running his fingers through his hair.”
Apparently, over the past four to six weeks, Crumstack decided to start piling binders around his desk and window ledge as an attempt to build an impenetrable fortress of pretend business. A closer inspection of these binders after Crumstack was fired uncovered that many of them contained old deal documents printed out over and over again. “It was kind of sad, actually,” explained Crumstack’s next door neighbor at Foley. “I mean it was like Melvin was pretending to run old deals the way a kid pretends he’s shooting the winning basket at the NBA Finals on the hoop in his driveway.”
Other associates aren’t that far behind Crumstack in their antics. While conversation amongst lawyers almost always touches on billing at some point, talk of “small matters” or vague “meetings with clients” that wouldn’t pass the smell test two years ago has become the norm. Some attorneys are also rumored to have not opened their office door in weeks. What are they doing behind these closed doors? Some are buffing their resumes, while others are simply curled up in the fetal position hoping that this too shall pass and the days of actually being busy will return.
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