Partner Doppelganger

If Andrews Kurth LLP partner Howard T. Ayers

had a doppelganger it would be...

Apple co-founder and Dancing with the Stars

outcast, Steve Wozniak.

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Billable Hour Admitted to Hospital

The Billable Hour, a longstanding measure of lawyerly worth and a crutch to inefficient lawyers alike, was urgently admitted to Lenox Hill hospital in New York last week. News has leaked out of Lenox Hill that the billable hour’s condition is not related to the recent outbreak of swine flu. Instead, it is speculated that the Billable Hour was admitted following continued complications from episodes of anxiety and depression that have been plaguing the steadfast timekeeper since late 2007.

“Look, it’s no secret that the Billable Hour suffered an intense loss when his good friend mortgage-backed securities essentially passed away in early 2008,” explained legal commentator David Lat during an interview with Fox & Friends. “Now, people are turning on old Billable Hour while the economy’s in the toilet and he’s got nowhere to turn. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that the Billable Hour tried to take his own life.”

A small candlelight vigil for the Billable Hour has already started to take shape outside of the Lenox Hill hospital. “I came here out of respect for a dear, dear friend,” explained White & Case LLP partner Leslie Davenworth. “People may say things like ‘the Billable Hour is dead’, but as someone whose ascent to partnership was based solely on my logging of 2,500 or more hours per year, I refuse to believe it. I’ve just become too attached to my good friend to say goodbye right now.”

For those who have been pleading with the Billable Hour to pass the torch to long-time nemesis Fixed Fee, this development is far from a reason to despair. General Motors chief legal officer, Debra Ellington, released a statement about the news that said, “I guess you could say it’s sad to see tradition fade away, but I’m thrilled that law firms are soon going to have to listen to their in-house counterparts’ perpetual suggestion that they adopt the Burger King model of fees. After all, without the Billable Hour, we’ll finally be able to have it our way, right away.”

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Associate Photo Caption

"Ladies and gentlemen the use of approved electronic devices is now permitted. In a minute, we will be bringing complimentary coffee, tea, water and soda through the cabin. For now, sit back and enjoy your flight!"

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Small Shop Web Flop

The practice of law can be rough and tumble. There's even a popular book called Litigation is War. This week's Small Shop Web Flop is a pretty savvy operation that wants to attract the client looking to go to battle. It seems only logical that this Philadelphia area lawyer would channel his inner Rocky while "fighting for your rights."

The only problem that we see is working that briefcase with the boxing gloves on. Maybe Mr. Ostroff has an associate who pushes the paper while he delivers the "knockout" verdicts?

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Things Lawyers Like - Firmwide Meetings

Every once in a while, the chairman of a law firm likes to come up with another way besides his oversized paycheck to remind himself that he’s the leader of the pack. To do this, he typically likes to channel his inner State of the Union and call the dreaded firmwide meeting. This gathering usually coincides with extremely good or bad news. Had a good start to the fiscal year? Let’s call a little pep rally in the form of a firmwide meeting. Need to layoff one-third of all associates? Let’s bring the team in for a huddle through a firmwide meeting.

The firmwide meeting is typically more staged than a George W. Bush press conference. If the news is good, you can expect some above average food and a couple of minutes for canned questions that will be cheerfully answered by a beaming leader. If the news is bad, you can expect a significant reduction in snacks, no time for questions and answers and a stern reminder from a finger-pointing parent that clients (and big brother) are watching.

In the good old days, firmwide meetings used to be held at upscale locations. They were a horn-tooting event where partners engaged in a ritualistic chest-bumping and cash counting exercise. In the current environment, these gatherings are typically confined to a firm’s largest conference room or cafeteria so that costs can be kept low and employees can get back to work faster. With employees on edge, the tone of firmwide meetings has shifted from the levity of a college reunion to the awkwardness more typically found at the family reunion. Essentially, these gatherings have become less chest-bump worthy than a McDonald’s iced coffee.

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Partner Doppelganger

If Steyer Lowenthal Boodrookas Alvarez & Smith LLP partner
Edward Egan Smith had a doppelganger it would be...

Will Ferrell character Chazz Michael Michaels from the

movie Blades of Glory.

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USC Law Adds Video Professor to Faculty

Last week, the UCLA School of Law made headlines when it announced a “Transition to Practice” L.L.M. in response to a changing environment for law school graduates. Sensing an opportunity to one up its rival, the USC Gould School of Law countered UCLA this week by undertaking an intense effort to help train its students for non-law careers, titled “Transition to Employment”. To kick off the initiative with a bang, USC announced today that John W. Scherer, aka “The Video Professor”, had been added to the law school’s faculty. Although some academics may quibble that Scherer is not actually a professor of anything, USC anticipates that Scherer will be well received by his colleagues because he has been playing a professor on TV for years.

After being introduced at a press conference, Scherer admitted that he “doesn’t know the first thing about law,” but he believes that opening his entire resource library of educational DVDs and training programs to USC’s law students can only help them “weather this economic tsunami”. Scherer markets himself as being able to provide “Knowledge at the Speed of Life.” While life in the job market for new attorneys may have slowed to a crawl, only The Video Professor can provide those intangible soft skills that busy law firms are ill-equipped to nurture.

A press release from USC’s Dean, William P. Harpington, also praised the addition of The Video Professor as a transformative moment in the school’s history. Dean Harpington’s statement noted that USC Law “has been too focused on providing its students with straightforward legal training.” He goes on to state that “the addition of new courses taught by The Video Professor allows us to swap out third year seminars on now defunct topics such as ‘Credit Default Swaps and the Law’ and ‘How to Securitize a Fraudulent Subprime Loan’ with ever practical and timely courses such as ‘Making the Most out of eBay’ and ‘Budget Online Travel Booking’. After all, at USC, like at most businesses, we feel it is necessary to adapt to the changing times. The addition of John Scherer to the faculty means our graduates are more likely to be driving down, and not begging alongside, this road we call life.”

The addition of The Video Professor is only one aspect of USC’s approach to equipping its students with the tools needed to pay back their private loans, with or without Big Law offers. Another primary component of USC’s strategic initiative includes the addition of Rosetta Stone kiosks in the men’s and women’s bathrooms. Harpington hopes that these displays will encourage students to “learn a new language and maybe look oversees for their next job.”

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Associate Photo Caption

"Go ahead, take my picture if you have to but I'm not moving from this spot right here. No, I don't care if the picture is centered. Are we done yet? I have a motion for sanctions to write."

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Small Shop Web Flop

Understandably, the issue of fees can be a touchy subject for a lawyer. For most firms, the issue is addressed privately at the initial consultation. Not so for the Warren Law Firm. This week's flop takes the approach of promoting its fees by likening them to a fun bike ride with a loved one. Interesting approach, eh?

A closer look at this website, however, quickly reveals that the person in charge of matching stock photos with certain sections might have been asleep at the switch. On "The Firm" section are the woman and child pictured on the right part of Mr. Warren's family? In the FAQs section the key question not listed is "Are you sure that guy isn't about to drop his baby?" And most importantly, is that really the office under "Contact"? Gulp.

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Things Lawyers Like - Rules

Just imagine if a sports league had rules that governed the overall league, additional rules that applied to the individual divisions, and yet more rules that only applied to games played at each team's home field. For most people, that would be viewed as a royal pain in the rear end. For lawyers, however, this would be a dream come true. Why? Lawyers love rules.

To understand just how much lawyers love rules one need to look no farther than the code that the Supreme Court has set forth to govern the practice of law in federal courts. These rules, called the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure, are generally regarded with fear by attorneys. With 86 rules group in 11 chapters, these rules even put your standard credit card terms and conditions to shame. If you ever feel a need to test the lawyer’s fear of these rules simply mutter the phrase “pendent jurisdiction doctrine” in casual conversation with a group of attorneys. Odds are they will scatter faster than the audience from a Nicholas Cage movie.

Unfortunately for lawyers, these federal rules are only the beginning. District Courts, tired of always being told how to do their job by the Supreme Court have their own set of rules that seek to add another potential pitfall for the unwary lawyer. Lawyers are so concerned about breaking one of these local rules that even the largest of cases will involve a local lawyer who “knows the ropes.”

Individual judges also love to get into the rulemaking game. Since it took most judges such a long time to reach the high chair in the front of the room, they are basically allowed to do whatever they want. Yes, this includes wearing pajamas all day under their robes and making unbelievable rules. In essence, the robed members of the legal profession can generally establish “procedures” that are really code for weird nuances. These procedures must be followed at all costs or the lawyer will almost certainly be humbled in the name of judicial discretion.

Filing a motion in Judge Buttercup’s court? Make sure you place an asterisk in the lower right-hand corner of every third page. Filing motions in limine before Judge Wimpleton? Make sure you get them in two days and three hours before the deadline stated in the pre-trial order. Why? Come on junior, it’s the rule!

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Partner Doppelganger

If Perkins Coie partner Karin Scherner Aldama had
a doppelganger it would be...



the fastest land bird of them all, the ostrich.

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"Your Honor, may I approach?"

Please? Pretty please? You see, I’ve got something you might want to look at. Now wait, before you answer that, I know what you’re thinking; if I get up there to give you this document I’m going to ruin the Soduku you’re working on. Or, maybe I’ll see that you aren’t wearing any pants under that silk robe of yours. As an aside, can I take this quick moment to note that black looks great on you? Seriously, with your ashen complexion it’s a great complement…I mean if I may say so respectfully as friends or colleagues or a…ugh…

Ok, look. This isn’t coming out right. Basically, I want to approach and have a little side bar with you because I feel like something’s come between us. I guess what I’m trying to say judge is that…well…you had me at “you may be seated.” Ever since I entered my appearance in this case… By the way, did you get that? No? Well, I sent a courtesy copy to your office and actually to your house too. Just to make sure you received it. Well, ok, I didn’t just send it to your house, I dropped it off. Your wife’s a real gem. Either way, whether you know I’m entered or not, ever since I entered my appearance I’ve been looking for the right time to let you know that I’m going to be a part of this case and your life for the foreseeable future and I think you’re going to like it.

Yeah, now I’m way off track here, I recognize that. Just like I recognize a lot of important things, like how you’ve been presiding over this whole case with such grace. I mean every time we stand up you let us sit down in almost no time. You’re such a great listener and reader and thinker just to name a few things that come to mind when I’m thinking about you judge. You see, I think about you a lot these days. I totally love the idiosyncrasies in your policies and procedures. I have those things literally plastered on my office walls. You want your documents 1.5 spaced? You’ve got your man. You want me to only use Lexis cites on papers filed Monday and Tuesday and Westlaw on Wednesday through Friday? Done.

So, when I say “Your honor, may I approach,” I’m asking for more than just a moment to walk up there with something you probably won’t even give a glance. I’m asking to step across this divide and reconnect with you. With all due respect, I think with a little bit of communication we can really start to make this work.

Don’t feel like it right now? Seriously? Ok, I’ll tell you what. If you don’t want to do this now I’m just going to drop my card off here at counsel’s table. Maybe once you’ve gotten some rest in your office later or had a moment to collect your thoughts we can try this again? Gosh, what time is it even Judge? 10AM? Oh my, I have quite the nerve to bother you this early in the morning. Tell you what. I’m just going to pipe down and grab a seat here. If you want me you can reach me anytime…anywhere…I’ll be there your honor; waiting to approach.

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Small Shop Web Flop

A good slogan can make all the difference in the world. A bad slogan, well, that will put you in the company of the Law Offices of Stephen K. Miller. Mr. Miller & Friends (pictured above) have tried to capture the essence of their practice with the slogan "For Your Law." Huh? Does this mean that when a client comes in with a problem/question/idea "their law" will apply? Good luck living up to that standard Steve!

For those Litination fans with small children, the Stephen K. Miller law offices provide a simple game to use at home. Click back and forth between the homepage and the "Attorneys" page on the site and see if your kids can pick out who's missing and who's in a different order!

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Things Lawyers Like - The Associate Defense

Lawyers like blame. In most legal pursuits, the goal is either to figure out whom to blame for an injury or to define the party that will take the blame if something goes wrong. The only kind of blame that will make a lawyer very uncomfortable is the personal, “I made a mistake” kind of blame. For this type of blame, the overpriced and high-powered partner lawyer hires associates.

The “Associate Defense” emerged over time in conjunction with the rise in starting salaries for new lawyers in big firms. The partners in these larger law firms were becoming involved in more complex deals and litigation and started to become concerned that they could overlook a typo or incorrectly cite a case in a brief. They needed cover in case one of these missteps caused major collateral damage and so they began looking for junior lawyers to provide some cover.

Over time, the “Associate Defense” has grown to redefine the practice of law for those who rise to the level of partner. Once the protection of an associate is offered, this more senior lawyer can begin to forget almost every aspect of the actual practice of law and leave those details for those more junior to handle. The partner can sit back, make up reps and warranties or case law citations at will with the relief that the young lawyer will make the impossible possible. If not, well, it certainly won’t be that partners fault; after all, if blame becomes an issue, the associate defense can step in to rescue the day.

You see, lawyers often like to say that the practice of law is like playing chess. At first, you might think this is due to the strategic nature of the game. In fact, however, this is just a reference to the roles played by the different pieces. In law practice, like in chess, the most successful king or queen will always need a couple of pawns for protection.

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Partner Doppelganger

If Hogan & Hartson partner Barbara Bennett had
a doppelganger it would be...

Arianna Huffington of The Huffington Post.

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Associate Accidentally E-Files Tax Return in the Southern District of Texas

Martin Phillips could have sworn he clicked on the right PDF last night when he was uploading his firm’s latest filing in the Carter v. Upshaw Industrials case pending in the United States District Court for the Southern District of Texas. Unfortunately, the next morning when he logged into LexisNexis to print out a copy of the filing so that he could tell partner Milton Simpson what it said, Martin realized he had screwed the pooch. Weary from an all-nighter of last minute research, Martin had not uploaded the motion to dismiss, but instead had electronically filed his 2009 Form 1040 tax return which was saved on his desktop for tweaking during downtime at the office.

“I was pretty surprised when I downloaded Upshaw Industrials’ filing and found a tax return instead of their motion,” said Melinda Delk, paralegal for the Plaintiff’s firm Endy & Yowl LLP. “I’ve seen Martin Phillips’ name on some of the pleadings, but I never thought I’d get to see his itemized deductions. To be honest, I was pretty embarrassed for him, but that guy should be proud of all of the money he gave to charity last year.”

While Melinda had a favorable reaction to the error, the same could not be said of the lead partner for the defendants. “Ok, I’ll admit it, I haven’t really bought into this whole e-file craze,” huffed an exasperated Mr. Simpson, one of the founding members of Sanders Simpson & Saul LLP. “Anytime something’s filed, I still have my paralegal print me out a copy and stack it on the corner of my desk until an associate comes in with another copy so he or she can tell me what it says.”

“However, the only reason we have younger associates around here is so that they can keep on top of this techno-Blackberry stuff,” bellowed an obviously frustrated Simpson. “Matt or Mark or whatever his name is, really made us look like rank amateurs with this whole filing. If the Generation Z kids can’t e-file correctly how does the court think this whole thing’s going to work? I for one am for the return to reliable days of the messenger pigeon.”

In his office next door to Mr. Simpson’s partner suite, Martin was figuring out how to get over the embarrassment of his mistake. “Clearly, I’m going to double-check my filing next time,” said a dejected Phillips. “I thought I clicked on ‘Upshaw.pdf’ but clearly must have clicked on ‘Upyours.pdf’ which is what I always name anything I submit to the federal government. An honest mistake, right?”

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Small Shop Web Flop

Lansing, Michigan attorney Stuart R. Shaffer (pictured left) is a confident man; and from the looks of his website, he should be. Mr. Shaffer has 30 years of experience and he was an assistant prosecutor. Then again, maybe it's simply the results you can get with Stuart by your side. Just look at the quote from his client in the famous "Ingham Country Dog Trial of 1990" on his firm homepage:

"If it hadn't been for Stu Shafer, my ass would have been in jail and my dogs would have been put in a shelter"

Stu Shaffer - he'll keep your ass out of jail. Gotta love the sound of that!

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Things Lawyers Like – Secretly Wishing Their Careers Were More Like TV

Ask a lawyer about his path to becoming a member of the bar and he will almost certainly bombard you with stories of the many mundane hours he spent reading and outlining. Then ask him what law practice has been like and expect to hear about days and nights he spent reviewing documents and researching case law. In other words, he will describe a life that is nothing like what they show on popular TV shows about lawyers, and then promptly point out how the TV shows about lawyers are nothing like the real thing.

Lawyers have a love-hate relationship with TV legal dramas. They love the attention they bring to the profession, but they hate to admit that the practice of law really isn’t all that exciting. After all, hardly anyone wears a flattering outfit, flirts in the hallways or goes to happy hour with their entire department at 5:30 pm. Oh yeah, and the gossip and drama filled co-ed bathroom from Ally McBeal simply doesn’t exist at Big Law LLP. So, the lawyer’s only viable plan is to knock down the legal drama to build himself up.

Nothing brings this out like Law & Order. Watch an episode of Law & Order with a group of lawyers and you are certain to hear statements like “You can’t do that!” or “That would never happen in real life.” Mostly inaccurate hearsay objections are sure to abound. But truth be told, these same lawyers are excited to see a courtroom on TV and would love to see one in person some day; especially one where a dramatic cross-examination is interrupted by a theme song teaser and a commercial break.

Any lawyer would also love to be able to channel his inner Eli Stone and predict the future. Then again if a person had that ability, he’d never finish law school.

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Partner Doppelganger

If Stroock & Stroock & Lavan LLP partner
Lewis Kruger had a doppelganger it would be...

Star Wars' Jedi Master Yoda.

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Recent Layoffs Decimate Fried Frank’s Softball Team

Sixth year trusts and estates associate and firm softball captain Evan Plinkton was sitting in his office daydreaming about his spring season line-up when he received the email. According to its firm chairman, Fried, Frank, Harris, Shriver & Jacobson LLP was going to have to layoff 41 associates in response to the global economic downturn. Plinkton had stayed consistently busy in the past couple of months, so he was confident that he would be spared. He quickly realized, however, that the same probably could not be said for the heart of his batting order.

Plinkton’s first call went to Martin Tenley, a fourth year corporate associate who could knock the cover off of a slow-pitched softball. When Tenley’s assistant answered the call, Plinkton could tell from her voice that the news was bad. He immediately hung up and called his shortstop and five-hole hitter Peter Grumm. Grumm picked up after the first ring, “Sorry Plinkton, looks like you guys are going to have to play small ball this year, I got canned five minutes ago.” Plinkton felt like the sky was falling.

Fifteen minutes and five phone calls later, it became clear that Fried Frank would no longer be this year’s league favorite. Six starters had fallen victim to the downsizing, including two first-year associates from softball powerhouse UVa Law. The present and the future of Fried Frank softball was toast.

Plinkton cringed at the thought of other firms picking up the meat and potatoes of his line-up. If Gibson Dunn hired his laid-off leadoff hitter and third baseman, they would be unbeatable. The loud ring of his phone woke him from the thought of this nightmare. It was eighth year associate Barry Belky. Plinkton had been hiding the exact time and location of Fried Frank’s softball games from Belky for five years. Today, however, was a different story. Plinkton reluctantly picked up the phone and with forced enthusiasm stated, “Belky, good to hear from you. Ever played right field?”

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