Thank You!

Since the last billable hours of 2009 are upon us, we thought it would make sense to put a small retrospective together on what an amazing year it has been for Litination. A lawyer's need for self-promotion has provided us with almost limitless content. From associates that are hard to take seriously (click here for Associate Photo Captions), to partners that clearly lost a twin along the way (click here for Partner Doppelgangers) we've had some fun with what happens when a lawyer and a camera get together.

We've broken some stories that seem all too real, like law firm libraries becoming museums (click

here for story), the Billable Hour being admitted to the hospital (click here for story) and firms foreclosing on non-equity partners' offices (click here for story). We've suggested a disclaimer for the Snuggie (click here for the disclaimer) and urged several small shops to reconsider their web flops (click here for Small Shop Web Flops).

Fortunately, for the sake of my ego, these efforts have not gone unnoticed. Litination saw its stories appear on Above the Law, Solicitr.com, and in the Timesheets at The Billable Hour. Most recently, we were honored to be recognized by the ABA Journal as one of the top 100 legal blogs (click here).

I'm not entirely sure about what 2010 will hold Litination as I'm a practicing lawyer and the law has been getting increasingly jealous about all of the time and energy I have devoted to this site. Whatever happens, I want to thank each and everyone of you who visited this site regularly to have a good laugh, sent an encouraging note or forwarded a Litination story along to a friend. When you sit down in 2010 for yet another working lunch, don't forget to remind yourself that life's much more fun if you don't take yourself too seriously.

Happy New Year!

-C.J.

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Local Attorney Falls in Love with Own Voice

Yesterday, during his closing argument on a price-fixing case, local attorney, Sandy Clamp, was caught completely off-guard when he fell head over heels with the sound of the words coming out of his mouth. According to reports, the fifty-five year old Clamp was methodically summarizing the key testimony offered by his client when he became inappropriately misty-eyed. He then turned to the jury and softly asked, “Don’t you just love the way that sounds?” before requesting a five-minute recess to compose himself.

“It really snuck up on me,” explained a shaken Clamp in the hallway outside of the courtroom. “At my age, I’m constantly searching for a new passion. When I was talking in there it just hit me, all of this time the passion of my life has been residing right there … in my vocal cords.” Clamp stopped for a moment to ponder what this all meant before pulling out a dictation device and running through a string of tongue-twisters all while sporting a grin from ear to ear.

According to his colleagues, Clamp has been in denial that he’s been in love with his voice for years. “While most people shut their doors when they’re on a conference call, Sandy is notorious for leaving his door open so that his voice can bounce off the halls and all who are lucky can hear his long-winded answers to even the most straightforward questions,” explained Jackie Zechman, Clamp’s next door neighbor at plaintiffs’ firm Clamp, Stump & Foster LLP. “It could be worse though, he does have an oddly melodic voice. I mean, geez, there’s a reason we always have him read ‘Twas the Night Before The Class Action’ at our annual Holiday party.”

Members of Clamp’s family agree that the litigator loves to hear the sound of his own voice. “Usually, our conversations consist of Dad asking me a question and then him answering that question for a good 5-10 minutes before getting a phone call and starting another conversation,” explained Trevor, Sandy Clamp’s often overlooked fifteen year-old son. Clamp’s wife, Valerie, was not upset about her husband’s other love. “Do you know how many fines and tickets that voice has gotten us out of? One time, he actually talked to our cable company so long the representative fell asleep. When he woke up, Sandy threatened to report him to a supervisor. Needless to say, we’ve had free cable for years!”

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This Week's Sign of the Legal Apocalypse

According to a recent study, the reason that the general public doesn't have a favorable impression of the legal profession may be because lawyers keep running into people with their cars. Lawyers came in second on a list of car crash rates by occupation ahead of social workers, manual laborers, and real estate agents. Yep, lawyers are worse drivers than people who spend their day looking at houses instead of the road.

Thankfully, doctors take the cake as the worst drivers, but that's not really a surprise because any good plaintiff's lawyer knows that doctors don't have reliable hand-eye coordination. Some pundits believe lawyers are second on this list because of long workdays, but one has to think that several of these fender benders were Blackberry-induced, right? Either way, I guess this calls into question the concept that most lawyers are risk-averse. Buckle up!

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Things Lawyers Like - War Stories

Someone famous probably once said that being a successful lawyer is 90 percent about experience. So, it almost goes without saying that if you spend more than a passing moment with a "practicing attorney" you're almost certain to hear a good war story. You see, saying that lawyers like to talk about their past trial and tribulations is like saying that Oprah likes to eat. To be fair, part of it has to do with an attorney's constant need to affirm to clients that they're the right man or woman for the job.

Client (frantically): "I just received a call from the Jones Company and they're suing us for breach of contract, we need some help."

Attorney (nonchalantly): "The Jones Company? Don't they manufacture nail clippers? Let me tell you about a case I once handled for a client that specializes in hair clippers ..." (30 minutes later, client (worn down by exhaustion) agrees to let attorney represent him in case).

It's also an invaluable skill that an attorney can use to intimidate opposing counsel.

Opposing counsel (smugly): "Look, I'll give you 24 hours to accept my settlement offer or I'm filing a motion for summary judgment with Judge Hopstitch."

Attorney (chuckling): "Hopstitch likes summary judgment motions about as much as you like telling the truth. Look, I once had a case with Hopstitch where ..." (2 hours later the parties agree to settle the case for half of the original settlement offer)

The problem with attorneys' love of the war story is that it's really only acceptable conversation among other lawyers. Nothing takes the air out of a family gathering faster than a story from Uncle Eli about that motion in limine he once filed in one of his insurance recovery cases. So, a word to the wise, if you see another lawyer in casual conversation going down the war story path, try to steer the focus more appropriately back to the day's weather or at the very least make sure you're sitting in a comfortable chair.

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Tiger Woods' Attorney Allegedly Seeing Other Clients

According to celebrity gossip website TMZ.com, Tiger Woods' attorney Mark NeJame has been seeing other clients behind the golf star's back. Colleagues and friends have reported to TMZ that despite promising Tiger that he would devote "his all" to the case and saying that the prospect of handling the Woods' marital problems "had him at hello," NeJame has been texting, emailing and calling clients periodically throughout the past week. At least five other clients of NeJame have come forward with claims that he is representing them in ongoing disputes and the ABA Journal has already placed a link to a voicemail from one of these individuals on its website.

Some suspect NeJame's behavior is due to the fact that Woods compensates all of his attorneys based on flat fee arrangements. "There's no question, an attorney on a flat fee is going to see other clients," explained Popsquire.com's Russell Wetanson. "Flat fee arrangements are typically all about infatuation - 'I want you, I need you to be a constant in my life' - but the billable hour - 'I need you only for a certain amount of time and to be really focused when I'm with you' - is where relationships for the long run are really fostered. There's even a saying among attorneys that it takes a client paying by the billable hour less than one tenth of an hour to snag an attorney away from a flat fee client."

The story is taking the legal community and the country by storm. CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer recently reported that the news agency is receiving a massive influx of iReports in response to the question "Should you treat your lawyer like your lover?" and Larry King just announced that he will have former O.J. Simpson prosecutor Marcia Clark on his show for the 122nd time in order to address this breaking news. Others are hoping that Jermaine Jackson - who boldly proclaimed that Tiger had done nothing wrong after he had already admitted his affairs - will be commenting on this development.

There is also general concern that Tiger Woods' wife, Elin Nordegren, may catch wind of Mr. NeJame's other clients and take matters into her own hands. That's why Litination promises to stay on top of this developing story 24/7.

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Associate Photo Caption

"In college, I was a baritone in a co-ed a cappella group called the Tuftonics. Naturally, on a typical day you'll hear me humming a few notes around the halls. Take it from me though, the best acoustics in the office are in the bathroom stalls."

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Litination On The Verge of World Domination

Ok, maybe the title to this post is a little misleading. But, the ABA Journal has named Litination as one of the top 100 blawgs on the internet and frankly, after that what's left except for world domination? Ok, there is one intermediate step. I need you, the more than 100,000 people who have visited Litination in the past year, to help make this site the winner of the "Lighter Fare" category. How? It's as simple as stop, drop and roll. Ok, more like click, register and vote. You need to click the link below, register with the ABA Journal and vote. Go team!

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Missing Disclaimer - Cyber Monday

Thank you for participating in this fake internet holiday that gives you an unnecessary incentive to blow off doing any actual work the Monday after the Thanksgiving holiday. We hope the discounts you received will help you deal with the inevitable rash of spam emails that are heading to your inbox; and we apologize in advance for the sheer number of messages about erectile dysfunction that you will be deleting in the days and weeks ahead.

One piece of advice, before you email your social security number to your "bank" or click on a Facebook friend request from someone you've never heard of, don't forget that you handed over your email address to the good folks at grandmascouponcupboard.com and savememoneyhoney.com. Failure to remember this Cyber Monday behavior is likely to result in your future participation in Identity Theft Thursday.

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Local 1L’s Thanksgiving Break Turns Out to Be a Disaster

Everyone in the Lipski family always said that Tyler Lipski was going to be a lawyer. As a teenager, he loved to spend dinners cross-examining family members on even the most mundane topics. Despite his socially awkward behavior, the Lipskis were genuinely proud when their son decided to apply to law school, and when he was accepted to Emory, it made the family Christmas card. These expectations, coupled with Lipski’s almost ever-present air of self-importance, led to what was perhaps one of the worst trips home for Thanksgiving during the first year of law school in recent history.

Upon arriving home, Lipski immediately launched into a dissertation about how he wanted to draft up some new contracts for his parents’ housekeeper and landscaper. “Look, these people need to put something binding on the table or they’re going to keep churning out the same mediocre product week in and week out,” exclaimed a confident Lipski as he thumbed through Williston on Contracts. When his Mom asked him what exactly he didn’t like about the way the house looked, he his rolled eyes and said, “Stop thinking like a layperson Mom and start thinking about the consideration that is going into the agreements you enter, ok?”

During and after Thanksgiving dinner, Lipski was approached by numerous relatives seeking advice. Uncle Ralph was anxious to hear if he could somehow cancel his Verizon wireless contract without paying the early termination fee, Aunt Julie was insistent on knowing if it was unconstitutional for men and women to have to use separate bathrooms, and cousin Trevor discretely pressed him on how he could successfully argue that he only smoked marijuana medicinally if he was caught getting high while working at the local library. Time after time, Lipski offered advice that was unsupported by any legal principle and generally terrible.

Equally disappointing was Lipski’s introduction of a new catch phrase. No matter the conversation, when the moment felt right, Lipski would jump in and exclaim, “I’ll be judge of that!” before issuing an often inflammatory opinion. He also subjected anyone he could corner to a demonstration of the Socratic Method. According to Lipski’s high school classmate, Jeffrey Peters, this cost Lipski an opportunity to hook up with former Prom Queen Marla Durst the day after Thanksgiving. “I flat out heard her ask him if he’d like to go back to her place and he responded with a string of questions that obviously turned her off,” explained Peters. “When I busted him for his lack of game, he said something ridiculous about the law being a jealous mistress. Sounds like a guy who has a little too much fun with his horn books.”

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Partner Doppelganger

If Haynes and Boone, LLP partner Sergie Lomako
had a doppelganger it would be...

PC from Apple's PC vs. Mac commercials.

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Brick Breaker Score Overwhelms Associate During Recent Team Meeting

Jack Wilkins, a third-year litigation associate in Baker Botts, LLP’s Washington, D.C. office likes to say his Blackberry had him at hello. Pretty much whenever he has a free minute, or if there’s a pause in conversation, Wilkins is heads down, thumb scrolling on his handheld. This addiction has lead to some socially unacceptable behavior. For example, he’s seen his average time in the bathroom almost double as a result of his complete obsession with several of the free games that he’s downloaded. His Blackberry time has also become difficult to manage at work.

In meetings, Wilkins, like many of his colleagues, is constantly checking his Blackberry when the spotlight is focused elsewhere. Due to the fact that he almost always has a non-speaking role at meetings, he has even become accustomed to launching an all-consuming game of Brick Breaker – a classic video game that challenges you to clear stages by using a paddle to destroy bricks one by one – to pass the time. Sometimes this can cause him to miss almost everything that is covered.

Recently, Brick Breaker became a deal breaker for Wilkins. At a team meeting on pre-trial strategy, Wilkins reached his highest level on Brick Breaker to date just as the lead partner, on the case, Calvin Cambridge, was laying out a key weakness. Unable to contain his emotions, Wilkins audibly let out a “Yes!” right as Cambridge stated that there’s a chance that the client’s lead corporate witness could have his credibility seriously damaged on cross-examination.

As everyone in the conference room turned to in shock, Cambridge asked Wilkins what could possibly be positive about such a situation. Crushed by the fact that his outburst had cost him an even higher Brick Breaker score, Wilkins responded with “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” and then quickly excused himself to use the restroom to avoid the deafening silence that followed. The repercussions for Wilkins have been immediate. He has been dropped from his rightful place as the third person copied on case-related emails. Some of Wilkins’ colleagues think that his position as head of the document review team is also in jeopardy. Sounds like someone is in need of treatment for his crackberry addiction.

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This Week's Sign of the Legal Apocalypse

We aplogize if it feels like we're picking on Reed Smith, but this firm seems like it can't help but find itself in the bad news headlines. According to The American Lawyer, Reed Smith has asked non-equity partners to cobble together a nice little law firm stimulus package and fork it over asap. The whole process has even created a new title in the legal world - "fixed-share partners."

Then again, just how fixed is anyone's share these days at Reed Smith? How long until the firm asks for non-equity partners to donate a little more cash to avoid a pink slip? Would that be the dawn of the sliding scale partner?

Lawyers are nothing if not creative, but this whole end around on the traditional salary cut looks and smells like pay to play. That does raise an interesting question. How much would an unemployed attorney pay to be associated with a firm like Reed Smith? Unfortunately, we may know the answer to that question sooner rather than later.

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Official: Homeland Security to Adopt Strict Scrutiny, Intermediate Scrutiny and Rational Basis Terror Alert System

According to a high-ranking official in the Obama administration, the Department of Homeland Security (“DHS”) is close to making an announcement that it will be revamp its often maligned Color-coded Threat Level System. DHS plans to institute three stoplight colored alert levels – rational basis (green), intermediate scrutiny (yellow) and strict scrutiny (red). For legal scholars like President Obama, these words bring back fond memories of constitutional law. For most Americans, this system is likely to bring continued confusion.

The Government’s new “Stoplight Review and Alert System” is designed to simplify the process by which the government can inform Americans just how frightened and paranoid to act. If Homeland Security sets the system to the green “rational basis” level, Americans are directed to determine if individuals in their immediate surroundings are using reasonable means to pursue legitimate interests. The yellow “intermediate scrutiny” level will put citizens on notice to watch out for individuals that are not pursuing important governmental interests using substantially-related means.

While these first two levels may seem confusing, the most alarming setting in the “Stoplight Review and Alert System” is likely to be the red “strict scrutiny” level. If Homeland Security decides to set the nation’s alert level to this color and phrase, Americans should immediately be on the lookout for any activity that is not in the pursuit of a compelling governmental interest and that is not narrowly tailored to achieve its intended result. Or, as one skeptic put it, “lock your windows and doors because it’s about to get crazier than a Sarah Palin book tour.”

The fact that DHS has decided to couch the alerts in terms of "governmental interest" is consistent with the Obama administration’s goal of putting the federal government in the center of every American’s life. This system also continues to solidify Mr. Obama’s reputation as a legal scholar in chief. “The way I see it, by the time the President’s time in office is done most of the nation will be headed to law school,” explained one administration official, “and we can only hope it will be a law school that is fully funded by the federal government.”

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Associate Photo Caption

"I just got off the phone with my Mom and she promised that the next time she visits she will cut my hair, do my laundry and help me finish that memo that you assigned me a couple of weeks ago."

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Law Firm's Libraries To Become Museums

“The creative law firm will emerge the successful law firm.” Such were the words chosen by Latham & Watkins LLP’s managing partner Charles “Chip” Phillips earlier this week when he announced the megafirm’s plans to revamp its office libraries into modern day legal museums. Latham plans to transform these often unused spaces into exhibit halls that will “celebrate the old-fashioned practice of law that existed before the dawn of the digital age.”

“Most law firms don’t have a plan for what to do with the mountains of books and journals that they have compiled over the years,” explained Phillips. “We decided to turn this challenge into an opportunity to bring clients from all walks of life to our offices to see the way law was practiced in eras gone by.” Latham plans to make its museums an interactive experience. For example, Westlaw and LexisNexis have signed up to provide a “hands-on exhibit” where visitors will be timed on how long it takes them to find a case supporting an argument in “the books” versus an online search. A display called “Getting a Little Dewey Eyed” will reflect on how the Dewey Decimal system helped spark the growth of the legal industry. And visitors will have the opportunity to sit in chairs and flip through legal treatises like attorneys did before becoming latched to a keyboard and monitor.

Latham currently plans to offer existing and prospective clients free tours while charging the public $5 per person to take a walk through the firm’s former library space. The hope is that the entry fee for visitors and general donations will help cover the operating costs of these legal library museums. The firm is also considering allowing individuals to check out books like an actual library with the hopes that when they go home and read through a particular treatise they might spot a legal issue they have and then come back to the firm to request legal assistance.

Library staff will receive training in museum operations and tour guidance before this transition is finalized. “You know how much everyone’s enjoying that TV show ‘Mad Men’ on AMC?” explained an over-excited Chip Phillips. “Well, that made it clear to us that the past is important. We want to keep the memory of the golden legal ages alive. In fact, we might even have to double our library, I mean museum, staff. The folks we have aren't exactly used to putting in a full day, if you know what I mean.”

Despite Phillips' obvious enthusiasm, it still remains to be seen whether other firms will follow Latham's approach to creative use of useless office space.

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Partner Doppelganger

If Fish & Richardson partner Howard G. Pollack had a
doppelganger it would be...

Kyle (DJ Qualls) from the movie Road Trip.

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This Week's Sign of the Legal Apocalypse

When explaining his firm's move away from giving people raises ("ending lockstep"), Reed Smith's chairman, Greg Jordan stated that "The most painful conversation you can have with a client is to tell him that that all of a sudden, you’re charging more for an associate just because the associate has aged a year." Wow, did a Reed Smith attorney really ever have this "painful conversation" with a client and use that line of reasoning? So much for the firm's "The Business of Relationships" slogan. If Reed Smith can't convince a client to pay more for an attorney who has gained a year of experience working on its matter, how do they convince that client to pay partner rates in excess of $600 an hour? When will a law firm own up to the fact that its slashing salaries because the current supply of young lawyers exceeds the demand?

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New Firm Photo Leads to Lawsuit

Consistent with its new slogan “Seeing is Believing,” Atlanta law firm Clyburn & Murphy LLP recently made a decision to revamp its website. Gone are the black and white headshots of attorneys that are so frequently found on law firm websites. In their place are color spreads of three photos (including at least one “full-body shot”) for each attorney. The goal? Let clients see a different, more personal side of their lawyers. The result? A sexual harassment lawsuit.

Former Clyburn second-year associate and college gymnast, Monica Upshaw, has recently sued the law firm for the harassment that she received as a result of her photo spread. According to the complaint filed in federal court, the looks and calls Upshaw received once her firm profile went public drove her to quit her job and have ruined her chances for future employment in the legal community.

The profile, which included the tagline “I’ll do flips for you,” has since been taken down by Clyburn, but was attached to the complaint. It showed Upshaw in three different photos. The first was a standard full-body shot in business attire; the second was the same pose in a leotard; and the third was a mid-air shot of Upshaw flipping over her desk while holding a laptop. According to Upshaw’s complaint, after her firm profile picture was changed “against her will,” co-workers began to comment on her body. Most frequently she received comments such as “now that I’ve seen you, I’m a believer.” Partners also allegedly asked Upshaw to perform flips and splits in front of clients. A process that she found “more degrading than anything she’s done besides typing up notes from conference calls or coordinating travel plans.”

Some predict that this lawsuit is only the tip of the iceberg. “I have a friend who just went through the whole re-branding experience at his law firm,” reported a disgruntled attorney when approached for comment on this story by Litination. “He’s a larger man who used to get the utmost deference from clients and opposing counsel. Now, however, he almost always gets a ‘how’s it going big guy’ when he talks to someone he’s never met. He even told me that recently when a party forgot to mute their phone on a conference call he heard someone singing the ‘five dollar foot long’ Subway jingle after he announced his name. That’s going to be a huge claim (no pun intended).”

Maybe the rush away from headshots wasn’t the best idea. Isn’t it common knowledge that most lawyers are more cut out for radio than for TV?

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Associate Photo Caption

"Is anybody as excited as I am to see the Chris Rock movie, Good Hair? I think I have a shot at starring in one about white women. Seriously, this wig I'm wearing cost me like a thousand dollars."

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This Week's Sign of the Legal Apocalypse

Earlier this week, a man pleaded guilty to driving his motorized lounge chair while under the influence of alcohol. While this story seems tailor-made for Mississippi or Alabama, it comes to us from the great state of Minnesota. Odds on this guy being one of those fans at Vikings games that's dressed up like a Viking? High. Odds on this guy having been a yeller at one of the town hall meetings on health care reform? Even higher. Stay classy Minnesota.

[Story from Law.com]

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Judge Excludes Manny Ramirez Defense

Earlier, today, in a big blow to public defender Walker Milford, Los Angeles Superior Court judge Aaron Appleton refused to instruct the jury on what has been labeled the "Manny Being Manny" defense. This ruling is the latest setback for attorneys around the country who have been trying to introduce a new defense based on the 12-time All Star. Attorneys have been arguing for the following jury instruction: if a defendant’s actions can be described as "Manny Being Manny," he or she should not be found guilty. Unfortunately for Milford, who wore dreadlocks to today’s court appearance in honor of the slugger, his appeal to Judge Appleton fell flat.

"Your honor 'Manny Being Manny' is just a way of saying that the rules can’t be applied in the same way to everyone," argued Milford. "'Manny Being Manny' means that you can be horrible at one thing in your life, like fielding or obeying the law, but be great in other areas like hitting or working the night shift. It means that you don’t have to always try your hardest to be successful and it certainly means that drug policies aren’t always clear to everyone."

In response, prosecutor Lorraine Evers was incredulous. "The last time I checked, 'Manny Being Manny' means getting your arse handed to you by the Philadelphia Phillies. It also means taking a shower while your team is trying to close out game four of the National League Championship series or faking a knee injury if you don’t really feel like playing. In other words, it means not caring and that’s exactly what the defendant in this case can ill afford to continue to do."

Judge Appleton quickly dismissed the proposed instruction. "Mr. Milford, this is the most ridiculous thing I have heard since somebody tried to convince me that Michael Jackson was healthy when he died. While I agree that the notion of 'Manny Being Manny' has become ingrained in popular culture, it has no place in my courtroom. I mean you have access to the insanity defense Mr. Milford, doesn’t that make your proposed line of argument unnecessary?"

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Partner Doppelganger

If Holland & Knight partner Gregory J. Digel
had a doppelganger it would be...

Honey I Shrunk the Kids star, Rick Moranis.

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Lawyer Takes Decoration of New Office a Bit Too Far

Susan McCutchen has always had a knack for interior design. Her college dorm room was inspired by her favorite designer, Lilly Pulitzer, and was a big hit with the preppy crowd at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. In law school, she was the only student who redecorated and re-painted her apartment based on the time of year. So when McCutchen walked into her new office at Holland & Knight, she had to take a moment to let the disappointment subside.

Already bored with her first assignment later that day, she had to stop to determine just what she could do to spruce up the white walls and beige carpet. Four hours later, she had a plan to create a “more inspired workspace.” After a quick trip to Pottery Barn, Target, and Calico Corners, she was ready to roll. First, she covered most of the carpet with throw rugs. Second, she put cushions on her window sill to make a comfortable reading nook and hung matching valences over the windows. Third, and finally, she installed lamps in every corner of the room.

After pulling an all-nighter getting the place “up to snuff,” McCutchen walked the floor to see how the other lawyers had designed their spaces. She was disappointed to find that most had opted for a couple of plants, pictures of friends and family on the shelves, and a painting or framed picture hung on the wall. Only one lawyer had anything close to a stylish work space and that was a guy named Javier in Corporate who had a dozen or so stuffed animals in his office, kept the overhead lights off and had something constantly generating a smell of incense and Indian food.

McCutchen’s efforts were initially a big hit on the floor as she has enjoyed a steady string of visitors to her office. When Holland & Knight’s managing partner found out about the “shenanigans” however, the customization efforts took a turn for the worse. She was initially told that the decorations must be taken down and everything restored to institutional bland in 24 hours, but after a long meeting with firm management, McCutchen was able to negotiate a compromise. She could keep the decorations as long as she agreed to live in her office three days a week.

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Bloomberg Law To The Rescue?

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the future,” beamed a confident Shawn Hoover, the President of the newly launched Bloomberg Law last night as he pitched his nascent company to a standing room only crowd of attorneys at the company’s offices in Manhattan. “Today, you can put your long days and nights of fruitless searching behind you. Bloomberg Law is here to save your day and quite possibly the entire legal industry!”

The key component to Bloomberg Law’s pitch is its proprietary search functionality, called “Snap, I Found It.” The company claims this technology will quickly make lawyers realize that the days of Westlaw and LexisNexis are numbered. According to Bloomberg Law’s promotional materials, the “Snap, I Found It” feature can handle the most ridiculous search phrases and locate the case law that can support even the most incomprehensible arguments. In very limited instances when a case can’t be located, "Snap, I Found It" will generate a comprehensive analysis as to why looking for the case in the first place was a really stupid idea.

Before the launch of this new functionality, lawyers' only options were the often disappointing “Focus” and “Locate” features offered by LexisNexis and Westlaw. These tools were of little help to lawyers who were given tasks like finding a case in Montana that allows for a defendant to avoid paying damages when the jury awarded a verdict for the plaintiff. With “Snap, I Found It,” the lawyer can confidently either locate the case or print out a Bloomberg Law certified response that such a case simply can't be found.

Lawyers everywhere are chomping at the bit to the use the new technology. “Honestly, I am really kind of angry at LexisNexis after making me press ‘focus’ on my searches all of these years,” explained an attorney who asked to remain anonymous out of fear that he'd lose his weekly free time. “Focusing is kind of my job so please just give me the results already.” Other lawyers claim that Westlaw’s ‘locate’ feature makes them feel ridiculous. “Locate? That's what I was trying to do with my initial search. Seems like there's a problem with the software and not the searcher," explained an annoyed attorney who identified herself as a 50-state survey aficionado. “I can’t wait for another option in the legal world."

Welcome Bloomberg Law, the Litination awaits your impact on the profession.

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Apocalypse Now?

According to the AmLaw Daily, the four horsemen of the associate apocalypse will be named Bingham, McCutchen, Nixon, and Peabody. Is it only a matter of time before we see an article about associate death by a thousand salary cuts? Click on the picture below for the full story.

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Associate Photo Caption

"You try living with the burden of having to shave your forehead every morning. And for the record, no, I am not related to Peter Gallagher."

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Small Shop Web Flop

Usually, our Small Shop Web Flops are focused on law firms that really should have put some additional effort into their internet presence. This week's installment, however, highlights (or lowlights) the website one of the nation's newest law schools (yes, more law schools are still opening), Elon University School of Law.

As I was reviewing this new school's Facilities page, the above photo popped up. At first glance, this looks like your typical law school classroom. A closer inspection, however, reveals the "Where's Waldo" quality of this snapshot. Check out how almost everyone in the class is busy typing out notes (or checking their gmail) on their laptop. Everyone, except the "third-career" student sporting overalls in the front row who is inexplicably glancing to the left with a "gosh, that guy looks like my great-grandson" look on his face. Come on Elon, it's about time you let everyone get access to your first-rate technology. If you don't, how are you ever going to be the "law school with a difference."

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Legalese - Bona Mobilia

Actual Definition: Movable property.

Alternate Definition: The sweet new ride your least favorite partner is going to buy once he can cut your allegedly overinflated salary.

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Contract Attorney Decides to Spend Afternoon Reviewing Ex-Girlfriend's Emails

With work “kind of slow” these days, Evan McFadden has been searching for ways to fill his weekdays. A 2006 graduate of Tulane Law School, McFadden has spent much of the past three years working as a contract attorney. Typically, this means he will spend eight to twelve hours staring at a computer reviewing hundreds of documents per hour. With the downturn in litigation, however, McFadden hasn’t worked in almost a month.

Facing another day of Law & Order re-runs, McFadden made a decision today to get back on his document reviewing feet. Pulling on his old fraternity sweatshirt, he mapped out a plan to spend his afternoon reviewing the emails he exchanged with his college girlfriend Jess Phelps. “Jess and I used to email like multiple times an hour, every hour. Luckily, I saved all of these emails,” explained a focused McFadden. In order to feed his unhealthy obsession with his ex and keep his reviewing skills sharp, McFadden plans to sort the emails into key moments in their relationship.

“My plan is to look through everything first and flag the emails where we said that we loved each other,” explained McFadden. “I mean, she cheated on me during the end of our senior year, so I’m really interested to see if the love emails kind of trailed off at any point." McFadden also plans to scan Jess's emails for any reaction to the 20 or 30 poems he wrote her. "I think she liked them, but I can't remember if she ever verbalized it. Probably not, since I sent her most of them after we broke up."

Unfortunately, this is not the first time McFadden has reviewed emails for no legal purpose. Last fall, his roommate Jeff left for work while still logged into his email on his laptop. McFadden took advantage of this forgetful moment, by "honing his review skills" on Jeff's personal correspondence. "That really was a turning point in our friendship," explained a somewhat embarrassed McFadden. "I mean how can you take a guy seriously when you find out his Mom still calls him pumpkin pants?"

McFadden has promised himself not to get too down when reviewing the emails, but he hasn't ruled out a phone call if things get emotional. So Jess, if you're reading this, I hope you've changed your number.

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Partner Doppelganger

If Alston & Bird partner Nowell D. Berreth had a
doppelganger, it would be...

a deer in headlights.

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Supreme Court Kicks Off "No Votes = Free Floats" Promotion

WASHINGTON, DC - Think some ice cream drenched in a fountain soda of your choice can cure even the worst case of the legal blues? Even if you don’t, the Supreme Court of the United States sure does. Today, flanked by a life-sized root beer bottle and a mound of soft serve ice cream, Chief Justice John Roberts announced a new partnership between the nation’s highest court and A&W Root Beer that is sure to bring out the kid in any experienced appellate lawyer.

Under the terms of the promotion, titled “Float Your Argument Elsewhere,” each time the Supreme Court renders a decision, counsel for the losing side can use his or her Supreme Court visitor badge to redeem a free Root Beer Float at any participating A&W store. The badge must be used at an A&W within 24 hours of when the Supreme Court’s decision is announced and cannot be used in conjunction with any other promotion or redeemed for cash.

“A&W, with its ‘All American Food’ slogan seemed like a natural fit for this promotion,” explained Roberts when Litination sat down with him over a basket of Corn Dog Nuggets and Fries. “It was really the late Chief Justice Rehnquist’s idea, so it’s a shame he’s not here to see it in action. You see, since we only grant certiorari to review the most complicated issues, it was hard for Bill, and frankly all of us, to see the expressions on the losing attorneys’ faces. Now, with this promotion, you can actually see some of the fourth and fifth chair attorneys get a little excited at the frosty delight that’s headed their way.”

Roberts may be on to something. Local A&W store owner, Martin Van Clyven, can recall numerous times when he’s seen customers provide a Supreme Court visitor badge in exchange for Root Beer Float. “Most of the time, these people look like they haven’t slept or seen natural light in weeks so I feel a sense of relief in giving them a root beer float,” explained Clyven when questioned about the promotion. “What’s also interesting is that several times I’ve had these customers ask me for a job. Seriously, I’ve got a Columbia Law School grad running my store in Bethesda. I know, a little risky, but it’s not rocket science so I’m sure with time he’ll get the hang of it.”

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Attorney’s New TV Ad Kind of Embarrassing

About a month ago, Ron “The Hammer” Colton decided that he was going to start running television advertisements to drum up some new business. A personal injury attorney based in Knoxville, Tennessee, Colton has always been told that he was made for television. According to local rumor, Colton’s nickname is the result of his reputation as a maestro with the jury. Defense attorneys in Tennessee are consistently warned that if you have a case against Colton that goes to closing argument, he will drop “the hammer” and make sure a monster verdict comes raining down.

Colton’s TV move was prompted by the arrival of another big-name personal injury attorney in the Knoxville area. He decided that if he wanted to remain the big fish in town, he needed to raise his visibility. Unfortunately, his plans took an immediate wrong turn when he decided to use a client’s cousin to develop his television spot. The cousin, an alleged “TV producer from New York” was adamant that Colton needed all of the bells and whistles to get people to pay attention to his ad. The result? Colton is wishing the ad never happened.

The spot starts with a siren and then quickly cuts to “The Hammer” standing beside a pile of smoking wreckage from a car accident. As people struggle to extract themselves from the automobiles and safety personnel descend on the scene, Colton calmly pitches his 1-800 number. The editing makes Colton look callously ignorant of the human drama unfolding around him. The shot then flips to a bandaged client talking to Colton before the word negligence appears on the screen in all capital letters. Not a second later, a huge hammer obliterates the word negligence and its shatters into a million dollar signs.

The next scene shows Colton in an operating room discussing the life-changing consequences of medical malpractice. As the doctor appears to be delivering a child, Colton walks across the screen ticking off his largest med mal verdicts. There’s not even a nod to the soon to be new parents in the delivery room. Finally, the 30 second spot ends with Colton hovering over a scene straight from the movie “Independence Day” with the phrase “When the world wrongs you, fight back with the hammer” flashing on the screen.

“I tried to edit out most of the ‘over the top’ stuff,” explained a defensive Colton when Litination reached him for comment earlier today, “but Vinnie was insistent that we needed to go big." When asked if he thought this spot would harm his practice, Colton was defiant. "Are you kidding me? Any press is good press my friend; nothing's going to keep 'The Hammer' out of action." Despite the puffery, most that have seen the ad are confident that Colton's next round of advertising is almost certainly going to be limited to print or radio.

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Associate Photo Caption

"Are my cheeks always this red? No. Did this shirt and tie cut off all circulation to my head? Yes."

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Vault Dig Sparks Pathetic Shoving Episode at Labor Day Barbeque

According to numerous reports, a perfectly awesome Labor Day barbeque in Pittsburgh was ruined this year by another argument over law firm rankings. As eighteenth-ranked Florida State fell to unranked Miami, Jeff Carpol, a fourth-year Reed Smith associate, was all over his law school buddy Kevin Zunk. “Gotta love my Canes! Gotta love my Canes!” screamed Carpol as he pounded his chest in support of his college alma mater’s big win. Zunk, a fourth-year associate at K&L Gates and die hard Florida State grad, was able to sit there and take the abuse for a minute or two, but soon he began to shake with anger.

Unable to take the over-the-top ridicule raining down on him, Zunk went where he knew he shouldn’t go when he spouted out, “yeah, too bad your law firm can’t pull an upset in the Vault rankings Carpol.” The two friends didn’t bring up their law firm rankings too often, but both were aware that they were separated by a mere five spots in the bottom half of the recently published Vault 100. Sure, nobody has any idea what separates their two firms, but ever since they left Pitt Law and accepted their firm jobs you could just tell Zunk felt somewhat superior.

Zunk’s zinger pulled Carpol straight out of his victory dance and into a red-faced rage. “Whatever Kevin, like Vault has any idea how big our recent expansion into New Mexico is going to be,” snapped a clearly insulted Carpol. “Ha, New Mexico, try dropping the ‘New’ pal and then you’ll see where we’re headed as a firm,” countered a smug Zunk.

The Mexico versus New Mexico dig was the last word either would get in before the episode became truly humiliating. Carpol started it of by lunging at Zunk with both arms extended. His small to medium-sized shove and a “screw you” came across as borderline effeminate but only served to embolden Zunk who gave him the Heisman and a “don’t make me hurt you.”

These two really hadn’t been at it like this since their third year softball tournament when they disagreed over whether the rules allowed for a foul ball strikeout. Just like that time, however, their shoving match was broken up by Zunk’s embarrassed girlfriend, Mindy. Friends are hoping that the two will eventually refocus on their mutual fear of being laid off or getting their salaries cut in half or that the next time someone will at least throw a punch.

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Small Shop Web Flop

Here at Litination, our Small Shop Web Flops have typically focused on law firms. Today's entry, however, is a wag of the finger at Pinwin Litigation Support (thanks to Litination fan Craig for the tip).

It's true that adorable mascots can help with marketing (green gecko from Geico). But I'm at a loss for this Newark, New Jersey based firm's choice of a penguin. Especially one that takes your documents and crushes them in his briefcase.

Pinwit Lit has a different view. Their website indicates that their bespectacled standard bearer is so popular that he must be protected with a trademark. Maybe they are right. A quick search on Google indicates that Pacific Laser Systems, Performance Learning Systems, and the Peninsula Library System are just three of the many companies that could be on the prowl for a PLS bag-toting penguin mascot.

Maybe what Pinwit's trying to say is it's cold out there in the world of litigation support. If that's their angle, then I can only imagine that the guy pictured on their contact us page is all too ready to offer to warm you up.

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Missing Diclaimer - On-Campus Interviews

While the title of this process has not changed, students should not construe any of the interviews that they currently have scheduled as an indication of future employment. Instead, these are merely intended to be fact-finding missions for students and law firms. Students should use this time to find out what strategies lawyers can use to remain employed at a firm. Employers will likely be using the meeting to determine what kind of public interest positions might interest students. Even if you feel positive about a particular meeting, do not expect to receive a follow-up offer to join what the profession once called "summer programs." This money drain has been plugged.

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Top 10 Reasons Your Law Firm Didn’t Make the 2010 Vault 100

10) Your firm’s biggest clients were Linens & Things and Circuit City.

9) The performance metric at your firm has changed from profits per partner to pro bono cases per partner.

8) The only associates left at your firm are relatives.

7) Your firm’s start date for new associates is 2020.

6) Nobody in your firm has heard of Litination.

5) Your firm used to focus on mortgage-backed securities.

4) Most of your firm’s office space has been converted to apartments.

3) Your firm thought it was worthwhile to increase its vending machine rates by 25 cents.

2) Blackberries are only a fruit at your firm.

1) Your firm no longer exists.

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Associate Photo Caption

"What was that? Am I interested in smiling? No. I much prefer to show potential clients my 'what you talking about willis' expression. Yeah, you're not the first person to think it's devastating."

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Partner Doppelganger

If Miller & Chevalier partner David Blair had a
doppelgagner it would be...

obsessive compulsive actor Billy Bob Thornton.

(special thanks to Litination fan R.W. for this one)

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Next Presidential Beer Summit to Include Supreme Court and Ninth Circuit

In a move that will likely solidify his emerging reputation as bartender-in-chief, President Barack Obama announced this week that he plans to host a second beer summit sometime this fall. This time around, President Obama has decided to invite members of the Supreme Court and the United States Circuit Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit to sit across from each other and hash thing out. Buoyed by the success of his meeting with prominent Harvard scholar Louis Gates and police Sargeant James Crowley, the President said he hopes to encourage “positive dialogue” between the two often bickering judicial panels.

According to White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, “the President is looking forward to facilitating a friendly, thoughtful conversation between two important institutions that very rarely see eye-to-eye.” The numbers don’t lie; during the Supreme Court's 2008-2009 term, the “Left Coast” court was affirmed in full only once and was reversed a devastating thirteen times. This has caused some commentators to dub the Ninth Circuit a “rogue court,” while others have argued that there should be two Supreme Courts, one to hear cases from the Ninth Circuit and another to hear all other cases.

While Mr. Obama is a trained lawyer, he seems keenly aware that the Constitution requires him to be a passive participant in the meeting. “Mainly, he intends to be there for the photo op and the peanuts and to give the judges a disapproving glance if the talks stall. In other words, the President will be playing the role of former President George W. Bush for a day,” quipped Gibbs.

The presence of newly minted Justice Sonia Sotomayor should help break the ice at the meeting. Some judicial analysts believe some of Sotomayor’s past “out there” opinions should help make the members of the Ninth Circuit feel more comfortable. Other commentators are anxious to see if President Obama has any success at getting Justice Clarence Thomas to open up.

If the meeting is not successful at bringing the Ninth Circuit “back into the fold,” some believe that the President may ask former President Bill Clinton to get involved. According to one anonymous White House staffer, “after what he did in North Korea, we can only imagine he’d hit a home run out in California.”

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Missing Disclaimer - Cash for Clunkers

While this program can assist a buyer with the purchase of a newer, smaller and more fuel efficient automobile, it in no way guarantees such vehicle will serve the needs of the typical, oversized American family. In fact, once certain necessary modifications* are made, some customers may find that their so-called clunker was actually more fuel efficient than their new vehicle. Cash for clunkers is a program of limited duration and should not be seen as an indication that the federal government will support future programs including but not limited to dollars for doughnuts, bills for botox or coins for camping.

*Such modifications include the addition of one or more of the following: a top carrier, a yuppie wagon, or the timeless U-Haul trailer.

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Associate Photo Caption

"If another partner has the nerve to rub my head for good luck on his or her way out the door to a 'big dep' or an 'oral argument for the ages,' I am going to lose it!"

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