Top 10 Reasons You Failed the Bar Exam

10. Wall to Wall Michael Jackson coverage cost you two valuable weeks of studying.

9. You fell into a coma during the Sotomayor hearings and only woke up two days before test day.

8. Instead of starting to “bear down” after Independence Day, you coasted until after Bastille Day.

7. Inspired by Sarah Palin, you lost a week thinking that the best way to achieve your goals is to quit.

6. Your law firm broke up with you two weeks ago and you’re still a wreck.

5. You got arrested crawling through the window of your apartment because you forgot your keys.

4. Bar/Bri gave you a score of “Are you kidding me?” on your first graded essay question.

3. Worried that Obama might slip a question on nationalized health care into the MBE, you spent five days trying to understand the 1,000 page House bill.

2. Kaplan’s three-day MBE seminar only helped you eliminate one of the four choices on most of the multiple choice questions.

1. You were counting on everything in your life being deferred for a year.

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Missing Disclaimer - The Bar Exam

While this test will decide which individuals will be licensed to practice law, it is in no way designed or intended to evaluate a particular test taker’s likelihood of success as a lawyer. It is merely crafted to ensure that all participants experience the intense stress and self-doubt that will accompany any attorney’s career. Please also be advised that while individuals will express intense opposition to the format and/or content of the bar exam during their preparation time, their outrage will soon fade. We find that almost all successful test takers immediately acknowledge that others should have to endure the same sadistic rite of passage. Finally, no money you spent on overstudying for this exam will ever be recouped.

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Associate Photo Caption

"So, I get these calls all the time from people asking if I'll help them sell their house. I'm like, uh, listen people, my picture may look like it belongs on an open house placard, but I'm a secured real estate transactions kind of professional...at least I was back in 2007 when we had that kind of work."

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Fortress of Binders Fails to Protect Associate from Being Laid Off

“If thou look'st busy, thou shall remain employed.” As news of cost-cutting permeates the legal industry, the appearance of an active practice has never been more important. For some, however, even the best ruse can’t save the inevitable pink slip. Take, for example, Melvin Crumstack, an associate in Foley and Lardner LLP’s corporate group who was axed last week.

According to numerous reports, Crumstack last worked on a billable matter in “late 2008,” but he kept his office as cluttered as possible over the past seven months in order to give those who walked by the impression that he was buried in work. “Oh man, Crumstack was really legendary,” commented an anonymous fourth-year from Foley & Lardner when Litination contacted her yesterday. “Even though it was common knowledge that he had jack squat to do, you would always see him in his office sifting through a mountain of papers while audibly sighing and running his fingers through his hair.”

Apparently, over the past four to six weeks, Crumstack decided to start piling binders around his desk and window ledge as an attempt to build an impenetrable fortress of pretend business. A closer inspection of these binders after Crumstack was fired uncovered that many of them contained old deal documents printed out over and over again. “It was kind of sad, actually,” explained Crumstack’s next door neighbor at Foley. “I mean it was like Melvin was pretending to run old deals the way a kid pretends he’s shooting the winning basket at the NBA Finals on the hoop in his driveway.”

Other associates aren’t that far behind Crumstack in their antics. While conversation amongst lawyers almost always touches on billing at some point, talk of “small matters” or vague “meetings with clients” that wouldn’t pass the smell test two years ago has become the norm. Some attorneys are also rumored to have not opened their office door in weeks. What are they doing behind these closed doors? Some are buffing their resumes, while others are simply curled up in the fetal position hoping that this too shall pass and the days of actually being busy will return.

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Legalese - Ab Extra

Actual definition: From outside.

Alternate definition: What Dan Marino lost with the help of carefully prepackaged meals low on the glycemic index, loaded with good fiber, nutrition and protein.

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Partner Doppelganger

If Fish & Richardson partner Daniel A. Kent had
a doppelganger it would be...

Austin Powers' arch-nemesis, Dr. Evil.

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Akin Gump To Establish Associate Farm System

New associates at Akin Gump Strauss Hauer and Feld LLP are heading to the minors. Yesterday, one day after the completion of professional baseball’s 2009 Cricket Wireless AAA All-Star Game, Akin Gump announced that it will be instituting a new program this fall that will divert all of its first-year associates to positions with one of the firms that it typically uses as local counsel. The terms of the new plan, including how long the incoming associates will stay in these smaller firms, are sketchy, but one thing is clear, the firm intends to use a new “farm system” approach to producing the type of associate talent its clients are demanding.

In a press release, Akin Gump said it envisioned the new associates fielding “all sorts” of legal issues in this “year or more” at a smaller firm. The goal is to get associates “fully participating in the game no matter how small the playing field.” Akin Gump’s move comes amidst growing sentiment in the legal profession that clients are tired of putting “bet the company” matters in the hands of rookie lawyers. According to one general counsel, the current big law system is broken. “If I’m about to head into the late innings of a products liability case the last thing I’m going to do is rely on inexperienced pitchers to close out the game. Too often big law firms leverage John and Judy law school graduate until the game reaches the ninth inning. Sometimes, by that point the game is so out of hand even the best closer can’t help you.”

Indeed, many in the legal industry believe Akin Gump’s announcement could start a shift in how attorneys spend their first several years out of law school as associates move back and forth among major and minor firms. Without new associates, however, some believe Akin Gump may struggle to deal with the grunt work that comes with any large representation. At least one legal analyst believes that this means the market for contract attorneys is about to explode. “The way I see it, if you’re a citizen of India or a student of a third-tier law school, your limited skill set means you are almost completely recession proof.”

With this move, Akin Gump does risk backlash from associates that view the new plan as a demotion. According to one anonymous law student who is planning to start at Akin Gump in the fall, the switch to a local counsel’s office is going to be quite difficult. “Look, I am all for gaining valuable experience after law school, but up until yesterday I was heading to Akin’s office in New York. Now, I just received word that I’ll be working at a two-person shop in Birmingham, Alabama. I’m devastated. I mean the only thing worse would be if they told me I was re-assigned to DLA Piper.”

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Missing Disclaimer - The Palin Resignation

"Hi American friends. I know I wasn't the clearest the other day when I announced that I was resigning from my post as leader of the best stinkin' state in the U.S. of A. Really, though, I thought it was kinda obvious. Look, during the campaign I talked about how living in Alaska is kind of like majoring in foreign policy because Alaska is close to some of America's biggest enemies. Well, apparently, somebody named King Kong or Kim Jong over there in Northern Korea was listening and now he's firing off missiles that could reach my backyard faster than David Letterman can sling one-liners about my daughter. So, I've decided to grab some running shoes and short shorts, drape myself in the American flag and skedaddle on down to the lower 48 for some safety and security. Can't wait to see you regular joe's on a more regular basis!"

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Legalese - Ultra Vires

Actual definition: beyond the legal power or authority of a person, corporation, etc.

Alternate definition: the title that is likely to be given to this year's swine flu pandemic

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Partner Doppelganger

If Hunton & Williams partner P. Scott Burton had
a doppelganger it would be...

Mike Meyers Saturday Night Live character, Dieter.

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Corporate Partner Totally Overwhelmed By Family Court

Things at the office have been painstakingly slow for Terry Whiteheart, a partner in Munger, Tolles & Olson LLP’s Corporate group. So, last week, once he had made the last call on his business generation list of college and law school contacts, Whiteheart made a decision he would quickly regret – he decided to take on a pro bono case. “I used to talk about this program we have with Child Support Services all the time when we used to recruit attorneys so I decided to get involved. . . looking back, I wish somebody would have talked some sense into me,” explained a haggard-looking Whiteheart when Litination met with him in his Los Angeles office last week.

Whiteheart soon learned that he would be representing a behaviorally-challenged ten-year old girl that had been institutionalized after she had been voluntarily placed in foster care by her mother. As a “deal guy” accustomed to order, structure and tons of help, he quickly realized he didn’t know where to start. His first meeting with his new client went about as well as that frantic closing in 2006 where some idiotic associate screwed up the signature pages. Luckily, a social worker from Child Support Services had been assigned to help him manage. According to Whiteheart, she gave him key pointers like “try to make occasional eye contact” and “avoid references to expensive wines.”

Quickly moving past this bumpy start, Whiteheart felt like the ship had been righted when he requested and received his client’s educational records in advance of the first court hearing. As soon as his town car dropped him off at the Compton Courthouse, however, Whiteheart realized he was back in hot water. As he entered the courthouse, he was asked to leave behind all of his electronic devices with the clerk at the door. Worried how he would continue to function without his electronic security blankets, he charged toward the front of the security line in search of the royal treatment.

Despite his hurried look and thick pin-striped suit, Whiteheart failed to impress anyone. A burly security guard barely even glanced at him before demanding he produce his attorney identification card – something Whitehead kept at home in the drawer designated for things he never uses. He tried hard to convince the rent-a-cop that he was an attorney, including repeatedly pointing to the monograms on his button-down, but his powers of persuasion were clearly lacking. Sent to the back of the line, his heart began to race as he realized he was in danger of running late for his hearing. This fear became reality about fifteen minutes later when Whiteheart’s two contraband Blackberries set off the security alarm as he walked through the metal detector.

Finally, eighteen minutes later, and eleven minutes after his hearing was scheduled to begin, Whiteheart made it to Courtroom Q. When he saw the social worker from Child Services heading toward him, he sighed with relief. That passed quickly though as she asked with exasperation how in the world he could have missed the hearing. Whiteheart looked around for an associate to blame, but he was caught with his proverbial pants down - and the reprimand from the social worker was not the worst of it. Since Whiteheart didn’t show, the judge had appointed another attorney to represent the child. Whiteheart had also been sanctioned for his failure to appear. The sentence? Twenty hours of CLEs on civil procedure.

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