According to his website, Larry Miller, Jr., Esquire, "knows a thing or two about achieving success." He's the author of a book entitled "SUCCESS In Your Career and Personal Life - A How-to Guide." This glow in the dark page turner teaches "the secrets to success the successful people know but won't seem to tell you." Try saying that ten times fast.
I, for one, am going to skip the book. According to his website, the path to success seems clear. First, you wow them with finger pointing and pie charts. If they don't like that, you introduce them to your special friend, Mr. Baseball Bat.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Small Shop Web Flop
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Things Lawyer Like – Publishing Articles
Ever wondered “How ERISA Can Make You Scream Like a Baby,” need “Ways to Separate the Forrest From the Trees When Dealing with Structured Debt Asset Classes,” or wanted to understand “The State of the State of the Art of Defense in the Ninth Circuit”? You can bet your last share of Citibank that a lawyer has written an article on one of these topics.
Across the board, lawyers feel pressure to make names for themselves. This need is rooted in the concept that honest to goodness “lawyering” has traditionally meant hanging out your own shingle and blazing your own trail. Since most lawyers today practice under someone else’s shingle, they have limited opportunities to distinguish themselves. Faced with this dilemma, lawyers turn to one source of self-promotion – publishing an article.
The aspiring lawyer learns in his or her second year of law school that publishing is the path to prominence. Writing a journal article, especially a law review piece, will allow a law student to soar through interviews with the confidence that comes with the safety net of talking about a mind-numbingly complex and probably completely irrelevant piece of legal scholarship. When the practicing lawyer churns out a publication, a link can be added to that lawyer’s online biography to immediately add the perception of authority and standing in a particular field; perception because the article may never be read.
You see, one consequence of the sheer volume of articles published by the legal profession is the reality that nobody has time to read the finished products. Instead, the lawyer’s publication, regardless of its worth, immediately becomes a bio booster with limited consequences. Try to slip speaking Portuguese as a hobby on your resume and you can bet you will be called out, but put a citation to an article you wrote on your bio and you are almost certain to avoid scrutiny. So what are you waiting for? Get out there and write something...anything…and start building your shingle.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Partner Doppelganger
If Greenber Traurig partner Israel I. Sanchez had
a doppelganger, it would be...
professional golfer, Phil Mickelson.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
“Highest Court in the Land” Home to Worst Basketball on Earth
With NCAA March Madness in full swing, Litination decided to take a trip to check out the legendary pick-up basketball games that are played in the Supreme Court gym. After two hours of observation, we are disappointed to report what many have suspected; the level of play is absolutely terrible. The gym located directly above the Supreme Court’s chamber was nicknamed the “Highest Court in the Land” by a witty, but painfully annoying clerk for Justice Rehnquist in the late 1970s. Regardless of its name, however, stories about the basketball that is played on this court are best left unpublished.
For years, the Court has been picking staff and clerks without any regard for athleticism. As a result, games typically start out with the goal of playing until one team scores eleven and end with an agreement that seven will do. Since “shooting for teams” is always a struggle, teams are usually divided up by just taking the first five people to tie their shoes.
The terrible play can also be attributed to Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. While Ginsburg has been sidelined from playing due to her recent battles with pancreatic cancer, her presence is still felt in every game. Since the Court’s 1992 decision in Franklin v. Gwinnett County Public Schools, which held schools failing to comply with Title IX could be sued for compensatory and punitive damages, Ginsburg has demanded that each pick-up game include two women. As a result, a female staffer who has never even played basketball before is automatically part of each game. According to rumor, there is an unwritten rule that if Samuel Alito plays, then only one woman is required to meet the “Ginsburg rule.”
While the press has indicated that President Obama is looking for a place for a consistent pick-up game, most of the people at the “Highest Court in the Land” are pretty sure he’s not going to choose the Supreme Court. “I’m a huge Obama fan,” huffed a Souter clerk when we reached him cleaning his mouth guard in the water fountain, “but I would be horrified if he came up here for a game. He might be a former law professor, but he could lose some faith in our judiciary system.” There is also general concern that Obama might use the opportunity to take out some leftover frustration from the inauguration on Chief Justice Roberts.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Small Shop Web Flop
This week's SSWF isn't the smallest operation in town. That being said, even the biggest law firm probably doesn't need to worry about clients getting antsy because the picture slideshow is still not ready for public viewing. Also, the "System Status" feature seems a tad unnecessary for public consumption. The soothing fade between screens does, however, make me wonder why more of us in the Litination aren't choosing to practice in sunny Florida. Maybe it's the fact that the first link on the "Weather" page is a PDF of the 2007 Hurricane Survival Guide?
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Associate Photo Caption
"Honestly, as a tax associate during tax season this is the best smile I'm going to be able to muster for like the next two to three months."
Friday, March 20, 2009
Things Lawyers Like - Blackberries
Nothing gives the lawyer more of a natural high than the buzz of the blackberry announcing that a message awaits. Although there have been no reported instances of a blackberry message self-destructing in five minutes, most lawyers will jump to read an incoming e-mail on their blackberry faster than Joan Rivers pursuing another Botox injection. The lawyer loves the blackberry, and from all accounts, the feeling is mutual.
Blackberries also help lawyers appear busy. It is a habit learned early in law school when the “I’m studying and you’re not so you’re probably going to fail Civil Procedure” games begin. For the practicing lawyer, appearing busy means being wanted by clients and being wanted by clients means billing hours and billing hours means making it big.
As an added bonus, blackberries allow the lawyer to mix billing with almost any other imaginable activity. Lawyers can be found checking their blackberries while on the way to the printer, at a meeting, in the elevator, at the coffee station, in the bathroom, at the baseball game, at the gym, at restaurants and in bed. The blackberry is also a social savior for lawyers. Blackberries can provide lawyers with needed relief from an awkward date, a painful conversation, a long car ride with the in-laws and almost any “honey-do” list created by their significant others.
They say that the law is a jealous mistress… a mistress that now has the blackberry to help her keep lawyers by her side.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Partner Doppelganger
If Orrick partner Timothy J. Long had a
doppelganger it would be...
Emmy-nominated actor, Jason Bateman.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Named Plaintiff Getting a Big Ego
Stewart Carpington remembers exactly how excited he was the day that he purchased his iPod Nano in 2005. “I just loved listening to that thing at work,” explained Carpington, a toll collector on New Jersey’s Garden State Parkway, “but I had no idea how much that piece of crap Nano would change my life.” One month after Carpington bought his iPod, he was contacted by Jennifer Brintzen of Campally & Jones LLP, one of the nation’s most successful plaintiffs’ firms. Brinzton wondered if Caprington ever noticed how easily his iPod Nano scratched, and if he did, would he be interested in becoming a named plaintiff in a class action lawsuit.
“I was surprised to get that call from the lawyer, because I didn’t see anything wrong with my Nano at first,” admitted Carpington, “but after she told me about the special reward I could get as a lead plaintiff, I rubbed the thing face down in my toll booth and bam, it was scratched so bad it wasn’t usable.” The next day Carpington signed up to be the named plaintiff in a class action against Apple seeking damages because the devices scratched excessively during normal usage, rendering the screen on the Nanos unreadable, and violating state consumer protection statutes.
As Mr. Carpington started meeting with lawyers and going to court appearances, he heard a number of comments about how other people needed to be more like him. Before long, this went straight to his head. For example, the night after his deposition Carpington and his wife stopped in for dinner at their neighborhood Applebee’s. When they were told the wait could be 30-45 minutes Stewart erupted with a “do you have any idea who I am?!” When the hostess rolled her eyes in response, Carpington stormed out of the restaurant yelling “you people have no idea how much I’m doing for you.”
Carpington has recently been spotted approaching complete strangers listening to Nanos and advising them to “join his cause.” His Chrysler Sebring also now sports a vanity license plant that says NANO PLTF. Carpington loves to walk around singing “Say My Name” by Destiny’s Child, until someone asks him what in the world he’s doing. He then huffs dramatically and says “um, hello, I’m the Carpington in Carpington v. Apple Computers. So unless you’re a moron, you have to realize that I’m kind of a big deal.”
Monday, March 16, 2009
Small Shop Web Flop
For most bankruptcy attorneys, down economic times mean business is booming. Somebody, however, needs to clue in attorney Jennifer Benedict out in Missouri. From the looks of her empty desk, business is a little slow right now. If a prospective client does stop by, maybe he or she will help Ms. Benedict reach one of her pens which seem oh so far away. And can anyone figure out why this site is all about bankruptcy but traffic violation and DUI/DWI are also listed as practice areas? Maybe these were Ms. Benedict's areas of focus when the economy was booming? The Jennifer Benedict Law Office
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Associate Photo Caption
"Using this mug shot as my firm photo is killing my rapport with clients."Friday, March 13, 2009
Things Lawyers Like – Talking on Speaker Phone
It’s a well known fact that lawyers like the sound of their own voice. More importantly, lawyers like times when other people hear the sound of their voice. It should not be surprising therefore to learn that most lawyers’ favorite invention is the speaker phone. This device permits a lawyer to turn an everyday phone call into a public display of oration. In other words, it’s a lawyer’s dream come true.
That is, it’s a dream come true as long as it contains the ultra important mute button. Participating in conference calls via a muted speaker phone allows lawyers to multi-task and be otherwise unproductive during the most boring of conference calls. The muted speaker phone call allows the lawyer to listen to a client’s input while simultaneously shouting a lunch order down the hall to an assistant, keeping up with reality TV gossip online or instant messaging with last weekend’s date. The best part is that a muted lawyer can do all of this while keeping up appearances of being fully engaged. Don’t want to deal with that first year associate trolling outside your office? Easy, just make the “shhhh” sign to indicate that you’re on a call.
Lawyers also know that a speaker phone conversation with the door closed can ward off almost any and every unwanted visitor. That’s why lawyers will opt for speaker phone with almost any call, be it work, friends or family. Using speaker phone to provide a veil of privacy allows the lawyer to get personal priorities in order behind a closed door. So consider yourself duly warned – if you pass another lawyer’s office where the door is closed and you hear a phone call in process, enter at your own risk. You just might walk in on a lawyer clipping his toe nails or working his abs.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Partner Doppelganger
If Sidley Austin LLP partner Jeffrey Berman
had a doppelganger, it would be...
beloved Clue character, Colonel Mustard.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Associates Stumble Upon Stealth Layoffs
While barely a day goes by without another large law firm announcing economy-driven layoffs, rumors that firms are carrying out other, unannounced layoffs continue to swirl throughout the legal community. Do these so-called “stealth layoffs” really occur? According to several associates who contacted Litination last week, you can put the conspiracy theories to rest; the secret pink slips are for real.
Patrick Wallingford, a third-year associate at Kilpatrick Stockton LLP in Washington, D.C., witnessed a stealth layoff last Friday on his way back to the office from a quick trip to Dunkin’ Donuts. “I was walking back to our offices when I saw Kim Rasmussen, a fifth-year associate in our real estate group, waiting to cross the street on the other side of the block. I called out to wave hello, but before she could respond a man in a long, tan coat came up beside her, said something I couldn’t hear and then whisked her away in a Lincoln Town Car with the license plate ‘MClayton.’ Nobody’s seen or heard from Kim since this day."
Similarly, Kevin Cartwright, a fourth year litigator at Choate Hall & Stewart LLP in Boston, was walking back to his desk from a meeting a couple of weeks ago when he bumped into seventh year associate Tim Wetzel. They talked briefly and then went in opposite directions. All of a sudden, Kevin heard a startled cry from behind him and when he turned around Tim was gone. “I started to jog down the hallway to see what happened, but all of a sudden a partner popped out of his office and asked me if I wanted tickets to the Celtics game that night. The next day when I went by Tim’s office to tell him about the game, the only thing left in his office was the power cord for his laptop.”
According to most reports, firms are targeting only the most forgettable associates in the hopes that the stealth layoffs will generate minimal buzz among the remaining employees. Some firms have even hired professionals from the FBI’s witness protection program for consultation. When this occurs, the stealth layoff typically starts with the elimination of the associate’s bio on the firm website and ends with the creation of a new non-lawyer persona. Any chance we can get these same people to work on “eliminating” CNN’s Nancy Grace?
Read More......Monday, March 9, 2009
Small Shop Web Flop
According to this week's flop, you need an attorney "you can count on and trust..." Now, don't take this the wrong way, Litination is not attacking Steve Hunter. The exclamation point after his firm name shows us that he's fired up about the law, but Mr. Hunter has some work to do to build our trust.
First, with that picture of fingers at the top of the website, it looks like someone is flipping us the bird. Second, Mr. Hunter lists "Buckskin Boy Scout Council" under the "Active" section of his website. Check the Council's website though and Mr. Hunter is nowhere to be found. Say it isn't so Steve!
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Associate Photo Caption
"And you thought John Edwards had good hair? I'm taking things to a whole new level."
Friday, March 6, 2009
Things Lawyers Like - Wearing a Suit
Business casual may have taken over corporate culture in the early 1990s, but the suit remains the most favored item in the quintessential lawyer’s closet. Sure, your typical law firm is stocked with male and female lawyers dressed in some version of a button down shirt and dress pants, but this reality does not sit well with tried and true lawyers. The type-A, go-getter attorney lives by the mantra that if you want to play with the big kids, you better put down the country club gear and suit up.
Most of today’s lawyering involves the filing and serving papers or riding herd on a couple of conference calls, but it definitely does not include extensive face-to-face meetings with clients or the court. Nevertheless, nothing helps a lawyer channel his or her Atticus Finch like putting on a suit. If a suited lawyer has a long day that involves the ordering of Chinese food while reviewing documents in a dimly lit office, that lawyer will feel true accomplishment. At this moment, the lawyer can picture him or herself in every motion picture based on a John Grisham novel.
Lawyers generally believe that the more powerful or important the event, the more aggressive the suit must become. Representing a client in a big M&A deal? You better break out a dark suit with thick pin stripes. Heading to a bar association meeting for some networking? Dust off your dressiest duds for maximum impact. Meeting some old high school friends for dinner? Suit up if you want to show them who has moved to the head of the class. Running for President as a woman? Rock the pant suit, day in and day out.
Maybe the mystique of the suit is just a result of lawyers trying to meet expectations. Who pictures a lawyer dressed like a JC Penney employee anyway? Or maybe Men’s Wearhouse is to blame. Lawyers are just like everybody else. Put them in a well-fitted suit and they can’t help but love the way they look.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Partner Doppelganger
If Venable LLP patner Otho Thompson had a
doppelganger, it would be...
the "tainted" junior Senator from Illinois, Roland Burris.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Summer Position? It Will Cost You.
Rocked by dwindling donations and emboldened by the dismal job market, many public interest legal entities have decided to get fiscally creative in advance of the 2009 summer job season. With numerous law students no longer able to count on summer positions at law firms, the previously neglected public interest internship has become a prized possession. Sensing an opportune moment to gain an infusion of new funds, agencies such as Legal Aid and the Hebrew Immigration Aid Society have decided to add an admission fee to their summer programs.
“While we pride ourselves on providing legal services for free, we have never been committed to the idea of giving people a free boost to their legal careers,” explained Elizabeth Sundry, the Director of Manhattan’s Elder Law Clinic. “Our best lawyers come to us because they are passionate about our agency’s mission. With this year’s implementation of a $250/week admission fee for summer interns, we decided to ask our summer interns to put their money where their mouths are. It’s the smartest thing we’ve done since asking some of our wealthier clients to start writing the agency into their wills.”
Generally, law students seem unfazed by this change. “You have to put this in perspective,” explained Talia Bindry, a first year law student at Columbia Law School. “I was prepared to sacrifice my well-being and social life to take a job at a big firm. Now that those opportunities are drying up, I don’t see a problem with pumping out a couple hundred bucks a week this summer to increase my chances of landing an underpaid position at one of these agencies after I graduate. I think the admission fee may even be tax deductible which would be awesome if I had any income.”
Unfortunately for Bindry, she is soon going to find out that the admission charge is just the tip of the iceberg. Like veritable amusement parks, pro-bono agencies have adopted a pay-to-play model. Reportedly, summer interns will be required to swipe a credit card for access to the internet, bathroom and vending machines. Depending on the program, interns may even be required to provide their own office supplies. Even the instant coffee is likely to require an instant donation of a dollar per cup. Will big law follow suit with its summer associate programs? Stay tuned.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Small Shop Web Flop
If I was represented by The Baehr Law Firm, I'd probably have a mental image of my attorney being one "bear" of a lawyer. Well, maybe not, but I am pretty sure I would not picture him as a tiger.
Also, if you're trying to look as tough as a tiger, I'd recommend not smiling and leaving the purple button-down in the closet.
The Baehr Law Firm
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