Missing Disclaimer - Cialis

"Our advertisements that show two people in separate tubs on a secluded mountainside are not intended to simulate the best way for you to enjoy our product. When the moment is right, we hope that you will not be in this situation. If you do happen to be in a tub when Cialis begins to 'kick in,' please take time to carefully move yourself and your significant other to a less slippery, less separate, more private and more padded location. If you still remain 'ready to go' four hours after you have taken a dose of Cialis, promptly find a tub, fill it with cool water and calm yourself down. If this doesn't work, please seek medical assistance immediately."

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Requests for Admission

1. With a rumored 100 songs still unreleased, this week will not be the last time a Michael Jackson album hits the top of the charts. [Daily Mail]

2. The gloved one's death may have been the result of his glancing at that man in the mirror and not recognizing who was looking back. [Anomilies-Unlimited]

3. If you happen to be an experienced estate attorney and a friend of Janet Jackson, you have hit the jackpot. [Fox23]

4. A custody battle over the Jackson kids should keep CNN busy until at least 2011. [ABC News]

5. A media circus, even a Michael Jackson media circuis, isn't a real media circus until the ring leader shows up. [Yahoo]

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Associate Photo Caption

"I get compliments about my hairstyle all the time. I know it's a great look, but I do have a problem when I'm at a meeting and there are people sitting to my left. Since I have no peripheral vision on that side, it can get kind of awkward. Oh well, I just need to remember that it's a small price to pay for style!"

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Legalese - Pro Tanto

Actual Definition: So far, to that extent.

Alternate Definition: A big fan of the Lone Ranger's sidekick (phonetically speaking).

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Partner Doppelganger

If Bingham McCutchen partner Nathan J. Hochman
had a doppelganger it would be...

former executive director of the Christian Coalition, Ralph Reed.

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Small Shop Web Flop

With many Small Shop Web Flops, it's not only the poor site design that makes for a terrible web presence, but the seemingly never-ending, always fruitless search for a catchy slogan. The St. Louis, Missouri practice, The Underwood Law Firm, meets both of these telltale signs.

Not only is the website basic and still "under construction" since September of 2006, but their slogan takes the cake. "We Squeeze Money Out Of Lemons." Some people only make lemonade out of lemons, but the Underwood Law Firm is taking it to the next level. Maybe they can take some of this fresh-squeezed money and put it into upgrading their website?

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Attorney’s Transition from Big Law Off to A Rough Start

By all accounts, Trevor Gorkins was an attorney on the partner track at Paul Hastings LLP. A star from the moment he entered the firm’s summer program, Gorkins was all locked into a bright future overseeing the firm’s Mergers & Acquisitions practice until the economy started making a gigantic sucking sound. Suddenly unable to call on once reliable clients for business, Gorkins was shown the door in January of 2009.

Anxious to hold on to his overpriced lifestyle, Gorkins shot his resume far and wide. A couple of weeks and interviews later, Gorkins was pumped to be hired by Carter & Peabody LLP, a three-lawyer Hoboken, New Jersey self-proclaimed “capital markets boutique.” Unfortunately, this “golden opportunity to make a name for himself” has turned into a bit of a struggle for Gorkins – a lawyer that depended heavily on the resources that surrounded him. Faced with a computer problem on his second day on the job, Gorkins immediately felt the pains of no longer having a dedicated technology help desk as he spent most of his morning dealing with a Gateway IT person (live from India) before giving up and driving home to use his personal laptop. Similarly, when he tried to get the one secretary in the office to help him with making some redlines on a deal document he was met with a blank stare and a "Sweetie, don’t be getting any ideas that I’m your own personal Erin Brockovich. I’m just here to answer the phones and make coffee."

Under pressure to get work done and generate business without the support of an army of junior associate at his beck and call, Gorkins has had to get creative with managing his workload. While he “tries his best” to stay on top of the day to day deal flow, he has been forced to hire his cleaning guy to make copies. He recently convinced his cousin, a junior at Manhattan College, that it would be a good resume booster if he took care of incorporating changes and making redlines on any documents Gorkins sends to his Gmail account. Gorkins has also had a rotating array of girlfriends and one-night stands transcribing his dictation and voicemail messages.

All of this has the once-savvy practitioner constantly on the verge of committing malpractice. In the end, though, Gorkins made a calculated gamble when he decided that size no longer matters. The risk of malpractice is better than no practice at all.

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Associate Photo Caption

"Some of my co-workers make fun of me because I like to wear all black and only work by candlelight. Sure, it's annoying, but that's the price you have to pay when you want to be known as the 'Prince of Darkness' around the legal community."

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Missing Disclaimer - Six Flags

"While Six Flags has decided to take its creditors on a 'Great Adventure' to restructure its debt, please do not let this impact your day of fun at any of our 20 theme parks. Our pursuit of a 'Great America' is founded on the principle that no 'Magic Mountain' is too steep to climb. As such, we will do anything we can, including lobbying for an amusement stimulus from the government, so that we do not have to cut back on any of our awesome rides or amazing attractions. We simply urge you, our special guest, to remember to keep any pursuit of enjoyment at our parks within your means. If not, you too may be joining us in Chapter 11 bankruptcy."

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Partner Doppelganger

If Bryan Cave partner Dennis P. McCusker had
a doppelganger it would be...

comedian and current host of The Price Is Right, Drew Carey.

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Legalese - Ad Litem

Actual definition: For the purposes of the legal action only.

Alternate definition: The classifieds you use to spark your grill.

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Generally Worthless Associate Furious About Pay Cut

When second-year associate Evan Patterson opened the hand delivered, confidential memo from his firm chairman at Baker & McKenzie, his blood started to boil. The memo brought the bad news that due to “the extremely challenging economic environment,” associate salaries were being slashed. “Unbelievable!” exclaimed an irate Patterson as he hid the memo under the two other pieces of paper on his desk. “I’m so outta here once this economy turns around a decade from now!” Patterson then charged out of his office for a stress breaker workout at his swanky sports club down the street.

On his way to the gym, Patterson called his good friend and former colleague, Kevin Grouse, to vent. “KG! You are not going to believe what happened at the BM today. Oh yeah, they gave us the final kick in the cajones by pulling about 10-20K out of our personal bottom lines.” A puzzled Grouse took a moment before explaining to Patterson that already happened to him (times 16) when they laid him off six weeks ago. “Give it a rest dude. Right now my only source of income is some LSAT tutoring I’m doing for family friends, so I’d take your painful pay cut any day,” commented Grouse before faking a call waiting to get off the phone.

When he returned to the office, Patterson proceeded to spend the next two hours commenting furiously about the demise of Baker & McKenzie on Above the Law. Then he took a moment to reflect on where he stood. A very junior member of Baker & McKenzie’s Banking and Finance practice group, Patterson was currently 70-80% behind his billable hour requirement for 2009. In fact, he has still failed to bill the 2000 hours the firm requires per year over the course of his 21 months at the firm.

With no book of business (Patterson had not heard a client’s voice since graduating from Fordham Law School in 2007) and unemployed colleagues across New York in the thousands, his options were next to none. With that, he quickly crafted an email to Baker & McKenzie’s firm chairman voicing support for the changes being made. Allegedly, it was signed “Thank you sir, may I have another? Very truly yours, Evan”.

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Associate Photo Caption

"You want me to what? Um, I kind of have plans tonight, are you sure this can't wait until tomorrow? No? Ok, but seriously, I am not going to make this a pleasant experience for you."

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Potluck Dinner Produces Awkward Start to Firm's Summer Associate Program

As Kelly Picardo scooped some coleslaw onto her paper plate, she took a moment to finally relax. As firms began laying off associaties, freezing salaries and deferring start dates left and right, Picardo had been worried that this day, the start of her Summer Associate Program at Alston & Bird LLP, might never come. Then, two Tuesdays ago and a couple of weeks before her scheduled start date, she felt like she had been kicked in the gut. Ms. Picardo had just received word via email that Alston & Bird had decided to substitute the usual kick-off celebration at an upscale restaurant with a potluck dinner in a conference room on the 32nd floor of their downtown Atlanta offices.

Well aware that the firm was planning to be stingy with offers, she had been counting on making a strong first impression and riding its wave to a (hopefully) guaranteed pay day next fall. But as someone who could mess up a bowl of cereal, Picardo knew that she had the potential to garner an unfavorable reputation if she tried to cook anything. To make matters worse, the cheesy direction from the Alston & Bird summer chairs was to “make something that defines you”. In the end, she decided that her best bet was to pass off spinach and cheese ravioli from Whole Foods as her own creation.

Picardo went as far as to come up with a mantra of sorts to help promote her ravioli at the potluck. Throughout the day leading up to the kick-off dinner she could be heard explaining to any and all that spinach and cheese ravioli is her favorite thing to cook because “like her, it’s something that looks ordinary on the outside but is filled with greatness on the inside.” Now, as she fixed herself a plate of food, she felt relieved that she had passed the first test of what was likely to be a draining summer.

Unfortunately, Picardo’s relaxed feeling was short-lived. As she was cutting into a piece of her fellow summer’s famous meat loaf, she received a small tap on the shoulder from Melanie Straykowski, one of the firm’s hiring partners. Much to Picardo’s delight Straykowski noted that she was really enjoying the ravioli. She then handed Picardo a receipt from Whole Foods that she picked up over by the food table. “Just wanted to make sure you had this so you could stay on top of your expenses,” stated Straykowski with a wry smile. “You’ll probably need to stay on top of those when you don’t have a job next year."

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Missing Disclaimer - General Motors

"As the former and current Heartbeat of America, General Motors is indebted to our friends in Washington, D.C. If at some point in time the federal government encounters a need for your vehicle, a nationwide recall maybe initiated. When this occurs, an alert will be broadcast over all major news outlets. The next day, sometime between the hours of 8AM and 11PM, a representative from the Obama administration will be at your house to claim your automobile for temporary use in the federal fleet. A government recall does not provide the owner with the right to a loaner vehicle. Instead, GM encourages you to take this opportunity to ponder the positive environmental impact that you will be having by not driving during this time. GM is also working to see if Hyundai would be willing to pay you for this inconvenience as they generally seem to be giving money away these days."

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Partner Doppelganger

If Buchanan Ingersoll shareholder David I. Kempler had a
doppelganger it would be...

former U.S. Deputy Secretary of Defense, Paul Wolfowitz.

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Legalese - In Camera

Actual definition: In private.

Alternate definition: Where those vacation pictures your parents took will be permanently stored.

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