If this Associate's photo had a caption it would be...
"What? You want to start something with me? Huh? Don't make me come down there."
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Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Things Lawyers Like – Lawyers-Only Sports Leagues
Lawyers are a cliquey bunch. If they are not spending time with the other lawyers on their particular case or deal, they can usually be found socializing with other members of their law firm or law school graduating class. To break out of these selective groupings, lawyers of generations past realized they needed to concoct ways for lawyers to get to know one another in a more social, yet still somewhat cutthroat environment. As a result, many decades ago, the lawyers-only sports league was born.
Whether it is softball, basketball or water polo, lawyers love to keep the game limited to those who have passed the bar exam. These lawyer-only athletic adventures serve two purposes; they foster a sense of community among those who are often ostracized by society at large and they permit the lawyer to flash his or her overly-competitive personality in the confines of a group that will understand.
Want to see a disturbing display of moving picks, suspect three pointers and arguments over technicalities like three second violations? Head to your local Thursday night lawyers’ league basketball game. Want to see diving slides into first base, an inappropriate number of intentional walks (more than zero) and arguments over balls and strikes that will grind a game to a halt? Stop by your Monday night lawyers-only slow-pitch softball league.
Lawyers may give off the appearance that they are not having fun when participating in these leagues. Looks, however, can be deceiving. The lawyers-only sporting event is a dream come true for the mediocre athlete turned barrister. It is here that the simplest of feats can become legend. Drop the winning three-pointer or drive in the go ahead run at one of these outings and you just might find yourself heading towards a favorable verdict in this game we call life.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Partner Doppelganger
If Foley & Lardner partner Erika Morabito had
a doppelganger, it would be...
Greek mythology legend, Medusa.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Firm Forecloses on Non-Equity Partner’s Office
Mitchell Zypress, a well-rested, non-equity partner at Kirkland & Ellis LLP, came to the office last Monday around 10 in the morning with a grande, half-caff soy latte in hand and an empty agenda waiting for him. As is the case with most transactional lawyers in this economic downturn, Zypress hasn't worked a full day in months. Unfortunately, when he arrived at his 14th floor corner office with picturesque view of Chicago's Lake Shore Drive, he came face to face with the realization that his lack of productivity had finally caught the firm ‘s attention. A packet of documents with a pink “Firm Foreclosure” cover page was tacked to his office door like a scarlet letter.
As Zypress reviewed the packet, the color started to drain from his face. The unthinkable had happened; the firm had instituted foreclosure proceedings on his office. The notice stated that while he was welcome to continue practicing with Kirkland & Ellis, the firm just could no longer continue to provide him with an office. The foreclosure documents stated that Kirkland had lent significant money to Zypress in the form of nine years of salary and that he had defaulted on his obligation to provide the firm with either an influx of paying clients as a “rainmaking” partner or a minimum of 2500 billable hours during the past calendar year as a “workhorse” partner.
Zypress was relieved to learn that he would be afforded a cure period during which he would have a chance to work out this defaulted office loan with his lender and employer, Kirkland & Ellis. Unfortunately the acceleration clause in the foreclosure notice was none too kind. In order to cure the default and avoid being left office-less, Zypress would have exactly 90 days to either record the 1400 billable hours he was short last year or to bring in a dozen new clients to the firm.
Realizing that he would certainly not be able to cure in time, Zypress decided that he would avoid the embarrassment of being dragged from his desk by the Office Services department. He emptied out his office and proceeded to set up a temporary shop in the firm cafeteria. As soon as he was relocated, he then sent his colleagues an email stating that he had “taken one for the team in this economy” and was planning to lend his office space to the recently unemployed CEO of the firm’s client, Merrill Lynch. Needless to say, Zypress still tries to go out for lunch as much as possible.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Small Shop Web Flop
Want to give your clients the feeling that your firm is technologically savvy? Start a firm blog and update it frequently with relevant news and case law developments. Want to give your clients the impression that you're not technologically savvy? Start a firm blog and almost a year later have only one post that says your firm launched its website. On a side note: if Attorney Prior has been practicing law for the past 17 years, what was he doing the other 50 years of his life? The Prior Law Firm, P.C.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Associate Photo Caption
Friday, February 20, 2009
Things Lawyer’s Like – Board Game Rules
For most people, playing a board game is about entertainment. Lawyers may be up for this type of fun, but only if it transpires within the confines of the game’s rules. As a result, when a board game is about to start, lawyers can typically be found searching for the rules with the enthusiasm of a child at an Easter egg hunt.
Once a lawyer has located the rules, he or she typically likes to read them aloud to set the right tone. The lawyer wants all in attendance to know that these rules will be strictly enforced. Need a couple of additional minutes to formulate your Scrabble play? No can do. Want to give one more clue to see if your team can get the word in Taboo? No soup for you. Still writing when the buzzer goes off in Scattergories? Don’t even think about counting that one.
Of course, one moment when the lawyer will stray from the rules is when there is an arguable ambiguity that could be skewed in his or her team’s favor. Here the lawyer will concoct arguments that are really not persuasive outside of the confines of a game of Yahtzee. Lawyers have a surprising rate of success in these situations. This success rate, however, is not without its consequences. Due to the aggressive rule enforcing behavior of the lawyer, most of these game nights end early.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Partner Doppelganger
If Sullivan & Cromwell partner Stephanie G. Wheeler
had a doppelganger it would be...
"This one time at band camp" actress Alyson Hannigan.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Summer Associate Program to Focus on Firm Infrastructure
Following the lead of President Barack Obama’s Economic Reinvestment and Recovery Plan, Bryan Cave LLP announced today that it is scrapping its traditional summer associate program in favor of an 11-week “Clean Up the Cave” campaign designed to improve the firm’s aging infrastructure. Wearing a suit made entirely of recycled SEC filings, firm chairwoman Patty Lipinski made the announcement via a webcast to law students who have accepted offers to join Bryan Cave this summer. In her statement, Lipinski described the initiative as a “necessary investment in Bryan Cave that will pay enormous dividends if this God forsaken economy ever turns around.”
Students reported receiving memos via email with updated summer “assignments” shortly after Lipinski’s webcast ended. Sarah Conti, a second-year student at Northeastern Law School with an interest in environmental law, reported that she had been assigned to a team that would be installing solar panels atop the firm’s Washington, DC office. “I am totally shocked,” reported Conti hours after receiving the news. “I don’t even know how to install anti-virus software on my computer and I’m afraid of heights. I guess on the bright side though I’ll probably get a better tan than if I was inside surfing Facebook profiles.”
Other reported associate assignments included laying new carpet, building attorney offices in space previously occupied by the firm’s library, implementing a more streamlined recycling system and installing waterless urinals. Two law students assigned to the waterless urinals task force have decided to drop out of Bryan’s Cave’s program. One such student, Mitch Divers, a second-year at Cornell Law School, explained his decision to Litination with the following statement: “I read Law School Confidential cover to cover and unless part of my book was redacted I didn’t see boo about working with urinals. Seriously, I’m all for investing in infrastructure, but I need my own personal bailout if I’m staring at an entire summer in men’s bathrooms.”
Lipinski thanked the summer associates in advance for their sacrifice and reminded them to re-visit the firm’s motto, A Broader Perspective, in the upcoming months. “It is my sincere belief,” Lipinski concluded, “that these projects will allow associates to develop valuable skills for these challenging economic times while helping Bryan Cave emerge as a more profitable, environmentally friendly place to work if the firm still exists when the summer’s over.”
Monday, February 16, 2009
Small Shop Web Flop
In honor of President's Day, Litination brings you this flop showcasing the perfect balance of three scales of justice with three American flags. With this much patriotism and a willingness to accept American Express, you bet your Lady Liberty that "You are going to feel a whole lot better" after your free consultation.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Associate Photo Caption
Things Lawyers Like – Non-Lawyers
Lawyers often worry that their legal training provides a useful, yet annoying, set of critical thinking skills. Sure, these skills make lawyers indispensible to their clients, but they also carry the unfortunate consequence of making the lawyer intolerable to the average Joe. In order to compensate for these feelings of social ineptitude, lawyers like to reference stories that involve their non-lawyer friends as much as possible. For lawyers, the non-lawyer leads a more interesting, yet not as intellectually challenging life that should be revered.
The ultimate coup for a lawyer is to date or marry a non-lawyer. This may prove difficult for a lawyer to accomplish because non-lawyers usually have more time to date, have more practice with dating and can carry on first-date conversations that don’t include terms like summary judgment, deposition or sua sponte. If a lawyer is lucky enough to acquire a non-lawyer mate, numerous doors will be opened for him. Beyond the pleasure that comes with not having to break the news to family and friends that he is dating another member of his own profession (can you say boring?), dating a non-lawyer also creates sought-after opportunities such as invitations to sports leagues or social events that are not limited to lawyers.
Unfortunately, it is often difficult for lawyers to return to lawyer-only functions after participating in non-lawyer events. As a result, it is safer for the lawyer to only spend enough time with non-lawyers to be able to reference them as friends while not coming to the realization that the life of a non-lawyer might be too tempting to pass up.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Partner Doppelganger
If Sonnenschein Nath & Rosenthal LLP partner
Steven J. Gray had a doppelganger it would be...
Academy Award-winning movieman Robert Redford.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Millionth Hour Associate Given Rest of Evening Off
In what has become an annual tradition at Penner & Golkins, LLP, ninth-year associate Frederick J. Evanston, IV was honored this week as the associate to bill the millionth hour of the year for the firm. Mr. Evanston, a perennial all-star biller, reached the milestone at 8:12PM on Monday night while finalizing a settlement agreement for one of the five class action cases on which he is riding seventh chair.
“I was in the middle of incorporating some changes from a conference call with the client and all of a sudden ‘CONGRATULATIONS!’ started flashing on my screen and the fire alarm went off,” described a humble Evans. “I thought it was spam, that I’d lost all my changes and that the building was on fire, but then it dawned on me that I might have hit the million.”
Evanston is the first associate to hit the million while actually in his or her office in the past three years. Last year, third-year associate Meredith Figgins billed the millionth hour from a stall in the women’s bathroom on the 23rd floor. Ms. Figgins, who has since left the firm, apparently left her timer on so when a band of partners came rushing by her office with confetti and streamers she was nowhere to be found. Similarly, fifth-year Allan Nipler billed the millionth hour two years ago while on the 15th green at the local municipal golf course. “Sure, it was unconventional,” explained Nipler from his office at his new lobbying firm in Washington, DC, “but I always tell my assistant to let my timer roll while I’m on the links. I do some of my best thinking with my soft spikes on.”
Moments after the hour was billed, Evans received a congratulatory call from the head of the firm, Michael C. Eppers, Jr. Then, shockingly, Eppers, Jr. gave Evanston, IV the night off. “That’s when I knew that hitting the million was a big deal around here,” stated an awestruck Evanston. “I can’t even imagine what would happen if I hit the million two years in a row. I’m thinking somebody would be getting some federal holidays off!”
Read More......Monday, February 9, 2009
Small Shop Web Flop
From what I've heard, it is true that divorce "closes one door, but opens many others." I certainly hope, however, that the attorney you hire to help you close that marital door doesn't look like a poster child for "I got divorced 10 years ago and I love my freedom, my book club and my sassy little dog Miss Independence."
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Friday, February 6, 2009
Things Lawyers Like – Unread Legal Publications
Read all about it, newspapers are going the way of the dinosaurs. They are on their way out faster than George W. Bush on January 20, 2009. Well, ok, there is one bright spot in the newspaper industry; if you’re a lawyer, you will probably find it sitting under a pile of other, more important documents on your desk.
That’s right, the once a month, but still too frequent to read legal publication is showing no signs of slowing down. For a lawyer, these 8 ½ x 11 sized coasters are mandatory. Lawyers subscribe to these publications in order to show that they are keeping up with the latest news in their field. This “keeping up” consists of receiving these publications at their office and scanning the headlines or checking to make sure there is no chance that they were mentioned in one of the articles before quickly losing focus.
If a lawyer’s office does not contain a copy of “The (insert one of the following - ERISA/White Collar/Commercial Real Estate/Mergers & Acquisitions) Lawyer Monthly”, other more established lawyers will begin to question that lawyer’s dedication to his or her industry. On the other hand, if a lawyer writes something that appears in one of these publications, that lawyer will be able to reference the article on their internet bio and in conversation with other lawyers as evidence of their authority on everything tangentially relevant to that topic. This is even the case if the article was only published because nothing else interesting was submitted that month.
More importantly, though, the legal publication keeps the lawyer company while in the bathroom or during a really long conference call when the internet’s down. For that kind of companionship, the lawyer will forever treasure these publications as priceless.
Read More......Thursday, February 5, 2009
Partner Doppelganger
If Sullivan & Cromell partner Gauthier Blanluet had a
doppelganger it would be...
the only child of Herman and Lily Munster, Eddie.
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Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Environmental Lawyer Awkwardly Psyched About Global Warming
For environmental attorneys like Leslie Abercrane, Al Gore’s trip to testify before Congress last week was another important step in what has become an increasingly awkward journey. As experts claim that mankind’s time on Earth is coming to an end, the often overlooked and rarely overworked environmental litigator is torn between going green and living the dream.
“The first time I realized I was conflicted by this whole global warning thing,” explained Abercrane when reached by Litination for comment last week, “was when I went with some girlfriends to see ‘An Inconvenient Truth.’ As they were gasping at clips of ice caps melting I had to work hard not to break out in a celebratory dance. I mean the money train’s rolling my way baby, and it’s spitting out a ton of pollutants that need to be more heavily regulated as it heads down the tracks!”
As the Obama Administration starts to pour some more gas back into the engine of government oversight, law firms everywhere are beginning to gear up for the expected uptick in environmental litigation and regulatory work. With a powerful payday waiting in the wings, environmental specialists like Abercrane have been finding themselves cheating on Mother Earth in the hopes of boosting their bottom line.
“Look, I’m all for efforts to reduce our dangerous reliance on carbon-based fuels. What I’m not in favor of however is getting this whole thing resolved too quickly. I’m 53 and recently re-divorced so I need to milk this moment in the increasingly warm sunlight as long as we can bear it,” beamed Abercrane as she took Litination in a spin in her new Cadillac Escalade. “When I have friends who claim that these regulations are going to crush American business and result in the loss of jobs I can understand their frustration, but what do they expect me to do, spend the rest of my career doing Superfund litigation?”
For support, Abercrane has taken to spending more time with friends who are bankruptcy attorneys. “At least they can understand the reality that not everybody has to be unhappy when the sky is falling.”
Monday, February 2, 2009
Small Shop Web Flop
Well, this one has Litination completely confused. Under his "RECENT VICTORIES" it looks like Joe Jardine is telling us about his own run-ins with the law. Also, why does the Mr. Jardine in the video part his hair on the left side of his head while the Mr. Jardine on the home page parts his hair on the right. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? There's got to be something fishy going on here if he's getting people acquitted in the face of "signed confessions and matching DNA evidence."
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