Summer Associate Program to Focus on Firm Infrastructure

Following the lead of President Barack Obama’s Economic Reinvestment and Recovery Plan, Bryan Cave LLP announced today that it is scrapping its traditional summer associate program in favor of an 11-week “Clean Up the Cave” campaign designed to improve the firm’s aging infrastructure. Wearing a suit made entirely of recycled SEC filings, firm chairwoman Patty Lipinski made the announcement via a webcast to law students who have accepted offers to join Bryan Cave this summer. In her statement, Lipinski described the initiative as a “necessary investment in Bryan Cave that will pay enormous dividends if this God forsaken economy ever turns around.”

Students reported receiving memos via email with updated summer “assignments” shortly after Lipinski’s webcast ended. Sarah Conti, a second-year student at Northeastern Law School with an interest in environmental law, reported that she had been assigned to a team that would be installing solar panels atop the firm’s Washington, DC office. “I am totally shocked,” reported Conti hours after receiving the news. “I don’t even know how to install anti-virus software on my computer and I’m afraid of heights. I guess on the bright side though I’ll probably get a better tan than if I was inside surfing Facebook profiles.”

Other reported associate assignments included laying new carpet, building attorney offices in space previously occupied by the firm’s library, implementing a more streamlined recycling system and installing waterless urinals. Two law students assigned to the waterless urinals task force have decided to drop out of Bryan’s Cave’s program. One such student, Mitch Divers, a second-year at Cornell Law School, explained his decision to Litination with the following statement: “I read Law School Confidential cover to cover and unless part of my book was redacted I didn’t see boo about working with urinals. Seriously, I’m all for investing in infrastructure, but I need my own personal bailout if I’m staring at an entire summer in men’s bathrooms.”

Lipinski thanked the summer associates in advance for their sacrifice and reminded them to re-visit the firm’s motto, A Broader Perspective, in the upcoming months. “It is my sincere belief,” Lipinski concluded, “that these projects will allow associates to develop valuable skills for these challenging economic times while helping Bryan Cave emerge as a more profitable, environmentally friendly place to work if the firm still exists when the summer’s over.”