Environmental Lawyer Awkwardly Psyched About Global Warming

For environmental attorneys like Leslie Abercrane, Al Gore’s trip to testify before Congress last week was another important step in what has become an increasingly awkward journey. As experts claim that mankind’s time on Earth is coming to an end, the often overlooked and rarely overworked environmental litigator is torn between going green and living the dream.

“The first time I realized I was conflicted by this whole global warning thing,” explained Abercrane when reached by Litination for comment last week, “was when I went with some girlfriends to see ‘An Inconvenient Truth.’ As they were gasping at clips of ice caps melting I had to work hard not to break out in a celebratory dance. I mean the money train’s rolling my way baby, and it’s spitting out a ton of pollutants that need to be more heavily regulated as it heads down the tracks!”

As the Obama Administration starts to pour some more gas back into the engine of government oversight, law firms everywhere are beginning to gear up for the expected uptick in environmental litigation and regulatory work. With a powerful payday waiting in the wings, environmental specialists like Abercrane have been finding themselves cheating on Mother Earth in the hopes of boosting their bottom line.

“Look, I’m all for efforts to reduce our dangerous reliance on carbon-based fuels. What I’m not in favor of however is getting this whole thing resolved too quickly. I’m 53 and recently re-divorced so I need to milk this moment in the increasingly warm sunlight as long as we can bear it,” beamed Abercrane as she took Litination in a spin in her new Cadillac Escalade. “When I have friends who claim that these regulations are going to crush American business and result in the loss of jobs I can understand their frustration, but what do they expect me to do, spend the rest of my career doing Superfund litigation?”

For support, Abercrane has taken to spending more time with friends who are bankruptcy attorneys. “At least they can understand the reality that not everybody has to be unhappy when the sky is falling.”