"Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll and then payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh and I still haven't received my paycheck and he took my stapler and he never brought it back and then they moved my desk to storage room B and there was garbage on it..."
Friday, May 29, 2009
Associate Photo Caption
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Small Shop Web Flop
Attorneys who have been making big money on consultations beware! Pre-Attorney Services is an idea whose time has come. Ok, calm down, as you can see from the woman holding her hands-free headset with her hand on their homepage (pictured left), the only thing Pre-Attorney Services is likely going to help you with is your fast food order on your way to a lawyer's office.
The real meat and potatoes of the Pre-Attorney Services business concept is the idea of "Preventive Law." According to this notion, you can be like the "wealthy" and have a lawyer on retainer to answer your legal questions promptly and professionally for the bargain price of $14.50/month. Just look at the cartoon character judge and the woman attacking the law library to answer your questions. If they aren't worth $14.95, we don't know what is!
There is one problem though, the founder of Pre-Attorney services is not going to be easy to reach. According to the website, "he lives now on a river where he rides the various Jet Ski's in his stable of craft. His friends & our founder have an island surrounded by waterfalls where they get away from it all. They call themselves 'The River Riders' & they call him 'flipa!'" We call this whole thing one giant flop.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Top 10 Ways Sotomayor's Confirmation Could Go Poorly
10. The government realizes it already spent her salary on the stimulus package.
9. Arlen Specter switches back to the Republican Party.
8. Sotomayor is caught Twittering during the confirmation hearing.
7. Justice Scalia refuses to sit for another Supreme Court picture until 2010.
6. Kim Jong-Il won’t stop shooting missiles until Obama nominates a Korean-American.
5. Bill Clinton thinks Hillary was promised the nomination.
4. Joe Biden can’t stop making jokes that he has a cleaning lady named Sonia.
3. George Steinbrenner is still furious about her ruling in favor of the players in the 1994 baseball strike and threatens to close Yankee Stadium if she’s confirmed.
2. President Obama accidentally admits that he wasn’t born in the United States.
1. The press finds out that Rod Blagojevich is in Sotomayor’s fave five.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Requests for Admission
1. Ballard Spahr is planning to launch a college initiative now that its prep school is closing. [ABA Journal]
2. The NBA would really like Jayson Williams to stay out of the news. [ESPN]
3. The next North Korean Security Council resolution should probably be written in all caps. [MSNBC]
4. It is safe to assume that Harriet Miers is not on anybody's Supreme Court wish list. [CNN]
5. President Obama will be inviting Mother Nature to the White House this week to discuss an adjustment in her current "no bailout" position. [Cleveland.com]
Missing Disclaimer - Red Bull
While most Red Bull beverages do not contain anything beyond two servings of Mountain Dew, some may contain additional ingredients. As a result, when you are drinking Red Bull you might begin to believe that you are actually growing wings. We believe this is due to the delicious taste of our beverage, but it may also be due to trace amounts of cocaine that can be found in some of our cans. Red Bull is not responsible for any customer that fails to pass an upcoming drug screening.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Legalese - Ex Parte
Actual definition: Proceedings brought by one person in the absence of another.
Alternate definition: That big night out that your first wife had once the divorce was finalized.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Associate Photo Caption
"Some people like to describe me as a young Bill Gates. Other people just make weird comments about how my picture's in black and white when the firm offered color photos. It's called art people, duh."
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
New York State to Delay Bar Exam Results for One Year
[For those seeking information regarding New York bar exam results, please note that this article is satirical (Litination Disclaimer). Best of luck to all applicants!]
With a flood of new lawyers about to further saturate an already waterlogged legal market, the New York State Board of Law Examiners have decided to step in and delay the deluge. Citing an "inspiration" from large law firms throughout the state, the Board announced that it will not release the results of the bar examination it administers in July 2009 until the end of 2010. According to a press release issued by the Board of Law Examiners, the delay is "not designed to discourage individuals from the practice of law" but rather, it is "to protect the interest of those lawyers that are already practicing" and to make sure that new lawyers "consider all of their options" before getting licensed as attorneys.
Those closest to the decision indicated that public service agencies throughout New York had advocated strongly for this move. As associates at many private firms were granted handsome stipends in exchange for pursuing public interest positions on a volunteer basis, these agencies were forced to ask long-time employees to take a paycut. "For the past three years, I have worked for $45,000 a year and season tickets to the New York Philharmonic," explained an attorney for the New York Artists Alliance. "After the big firm lawyers started dropping in and offering to work for free, my boss told me I could either take a $15,000 decrease and upper deck Mets tickets or walk my love for the arts out the door. Enough is enough!"
At a recent Bar/Bri lecture at Fordham Law School, the mood was relatively unaffected by the recent news of delayed results. "I guess I should be upset," explained a lifeless recent graduate during a break from a Constitutional Law lecture, "I mean I'm hemorraghing money faster than a General Motors car dealership, but in all honesty even if I was to pass the bar this time around I don't have a snowball's chance in hell of getting a job right now. I mean, I went to Syracuse Law School, so I can't even be trusted with a bathroom break much less a bar license. Maybe in a year or so this whole economic situation and my law school's dismal reputation will have faded from memory?"
To help students cope with this unexpected development, Bar/Bri has inserted two additional lectures into this summer's standard lineup: "Short-Story Writing" and "Launching Your Own Blog." According to a student that has reviewed the materials about writing a blog, the course pretty much encourages individuals to share their life stories with the world. "I guess that'd be pretty interesting," responded Michael Purcell, "except for the fact that we're all unemployed, unlicensed lawyers. What are we going to do, launch a site called Below the Law?"
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Requests for Admission
1. Brooklyn Law School is ranked first in this week's Request for Admission, but that ranking could change. [ABA Journal]
2. One way to tell a woman isn't into you is if she doesn't remember your first date. Sorry, Mr. President. [Washington Post]
3. Getting upset about being called a millionaire instead of a billionaire is so 2006. [MSNBC]
4. Higher fuel standards will only matter if there is a U.S. auto industry in 2012. [NY Times]
5. Now that there's a Democrat in the White House, get ready for an increase in funding for our nation's cannabis drug repository. [CNN]
Read More......
2. One way to tell a woman isn't into you is if she doesn't remember your first date. Sorry, Mr. President. [Washington Post]
3. Getting upset about being called a millionaire instead of a billionaire is so 2006. [MSNBC]
4. Higher fuel standards will only matter if there is a U.S. auto industry in 2012. [NY Times]
5. Now that there's a Democrat in the White House, get ready for an increase in funding for our nation's cannabis drug repository. [CNN]
Monday, May 18, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Missing Disclaimer - Dancing with the Stars
Content Disclaimer: Despite the title of this program, ABC does not represent that everyone appearing on the show will in fact be a "star." ABC can only guarantee that individuals appearing on Dancing with the Stars will at some point in time be dancing or appearing to dance while wearing tight and glittery outfits. All contestants will be repeatedly be referred to as stars so that eventually you may forget just how little you knew about someone like Drew Lachey or Rocco DiSpirito.
Read More......
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Legalese - De Jure
Actual definition: Rightful, by right.
Alternate definition: That random collection of humanity that our judicial system relies on to administer rational, impartial verdicts.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Summer Program to Incorporate Hall Passes and Watch Groups
Aspiring attorneys are under siege. Syracuse University Law School recently announced that bathroom breaks will be limited during exams because students are engaging in covert bathroom texting to get a better grade. At the same time, the war on first year associates is well underway with new attorneys being blamed for causing inflated salaries and generating client dissatisfaction. In the wake of these developments, summer associate programs across the country are facing major revisions and one firm, Morgan, Lewis & Bockius LLP, has announced that it plans to take the oversight of its summer associates to the next level.
At a meeting this week, the firm informed all attorneys that summer associates would not be able to travel the halls during working hours without a hall pass approved and signed for by a partner. “I know this is a little unconventional, but this is simply another response to client demands,” explained firm chairman Fran Milone. “Clients want us to maximize the amount of free work we can generate from summer associates to compensate for the rates we are charging for our generally worthless crop of junior associates.” According to the announcement, Morgan Lewis summers can email a partner with a request to leave their office and if approved, should print out the partner’s return email and carry it with them. If a summer associate is found wandering the halls without a hall pass or with a hall pass that was issued more than 10 minutes ago, their eventual start date will be delayed an additional year.
Morgan Lewis also plans to organize “Floor Watch Groups” designed to ensure that summer associates are spending each hour of their day learning the craft of lawyering instead of wasting time on the phone, on the internet or in random, pointless conversations with other attorneys. The “Floor Watch Groups” are styled after the popular Neighborhood Watch programs implemented by many cities and towns. Attorneys will rotate shifts where they will be required to “stop by” the summer associate offices on their floors and report back anonymously to firm management if a summer is found violating the terms of their precarious and utterly temporary employment arrangement. The firm made sure to clarify that the Floor Watch Groups would not be monitoring any secretarial behavior.
“I think this marks another major shift in the practice of law as we know it,” explained legal analyst Martin Festerbilk. “While law students have been sought after and recruited heavily for years, now they are being viewed with much more skepticism. Then again, if students can’t be trusted to use the bathroom without cheating on exams, can they really be ready to take on the rigors of the grunt work that defines the first-year of Big Law practice? I say probably, but that doesn’t mean law firms won’t be monitoring them very closely.”
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Associate Photo Caption
"According to what I'm hearing around the water cooler, this is finally going to be my year to join the partnership."
Monday, May 11, 2009
Requests for Admission
1. No job growth until 2010 means extended start date delays for incoming associates. [NY Times]
2. Drew Peterson's bond should not be reduced out of fear he will somehow get married a fifth time. [MSNBC]
3. Law firms offering free consultations should require prospective clients to bring their own chair. [ABA Journal]
4. Saudi judge Hamad Al-Razine deserves more than a slap in the face for this bass ackwards ruling. [CNN]
5. It's time to head back to good old fashioned book research now that firms are using Lexis and Westlaw as "profit centers." [National Law Journal]
Read More......Friday, May 8, 2009
Missing Disclaimers - The Snuggie
Content Disclaimer: Pictures of individuals enjoying the Snuggie while on hayrides, in the bleachers at sporting events or at a picnic are in no way meant to imply that it is appropriate to wear nothing but a Snuggie while in public. The Snuggie does not provide the appropriate or necessary amount of coverage to be worn as a stand-alone garment, even in a mobile home community. Oversized individuals should consider the use of multiple Snuggies even in private settings.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Legalese - Ad Infinitum
Actual definition: Forever, without limit, infinity.
Alternate definition: One of those Sprint "Wireless Revolution" commercials where everything's in black and white and the CEO sounds like he's reading you a bedtime story.
Partner Doppelganger
If Milbank Tweed partner James G. Cavoli had a
doppelganger it would be...
the hapless assistant of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Beaker.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Obama to Appoint Himself to Supreme Court
Just over 100 days into his presidency, word is surfacing that President Barack Obama has decided to use whatever remains of his personal capital to pull off an astonishing political maneuver. Although news of Justice David Souter’s planned retirement is only days old, President Obama is to announce later this week his decision to fill the impending Supreme Court vacancy with, well, himself. Apparently the choice of holding the highest office in the land or sitting on the highest court in the land has proved too difficult for the Commander in Chief.
Obama reportedly plans to announce his decision on the steps of the Supreme Court in front of a giant replica of the United States Constitution with the words “Change We Can Believe In” scrawled across the document. According to one staffer, the Constitutional issues associated with this move are “unlikely to derail what’s right for America.” So, President Obama will forge ahead and become the first sitting President and Supreme Court Justice in the nation’s history.
To make this possible, Obama will launch a massive public relations campaign to preempt the “predictable argument” that such a move would compromise the checks and balances that are required to make our system of governance work. “If these were ordinary times and this was a typical President, I don’t think it would be possible,” explained University of Virginia School of Law professor Larry J. Sabato, “but I wouldn’t put this one past President Obama. Give that guy a speech on a teleprompter and he could probably even convince me that John Edwards isn't the father of Rielle Hunter's baby.”
While Obama will likely face a fierce confirmation battle in the United States Senate, this gauntlet looks much less daunting now that Arlen Specter has stopped pretending to be a Republican. According to sources not willing to be identified, Specter’s decision to switch parties was driven in part by Obama’s desire to appoint himself to the Supreme Court. When Obama first broached the subject with Specter, the response was frosty, but over several trips for coffee and a late-night scary movie marathon at the White House, Arlen reportedly came around to the idea. He sent the President a text message late on Monday night that said he was “on board” with the plan. Specter then immediately friended the President via Facebook.
Obama reportedly decided on himself after a careful review of all other candidates indicated that any other pick was likely to disappoint him on more than one occasion. Obama then called his opponent in the Presidential election, Senator John McCain, to garner his support before reaching his decision. McCain allegedly laughed maniacally at the suggestion. Obama only got through to him when he pointed out that the idea wasn’t nearly as crazy as asking Sarah Palin to be the Vice President.
(Photo courtesy of ABC News)
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Associate Photo Caption
"I like to wear this bow with my suit because Daddy says I'm as pretty as a package. He also still calls me 'Half-Pint' which I guess could be embarrassing if a client ever found out."
Monday, May 4, 2009
Requests for Admission
Request 1. Westlaw is, and always will be, better than LexisNexis. (MSNBC)
Request 2. President Obama could and should win this year's American Idol contest. (NBC News)
Request 3. You are not surprised that man of the people, Jesse Jackson, doesn't fly commercial and doesn't always show up for his speaking engagements. (The Smoking Gun)
Request 4. One benefit of losing your job and not having any money is that you don't have to wash your hands as frequently. (NYTimes)
Request 5. If all of the car makers went under, you would drive a Ford. (MSNBC)
Read More......
Friday, May 1, 2009
Things Lawyers Like - The Working Lunch
The power lunch has long been a fixture of Corporate America. Most lawyers, however, have no association with the concept. Instead, lawyers pride themselves on a different approach to lunch; one that involves continued reading, typing or listening in on a conference call. This allows the lawyer to address two of his essential hungers - sustenance and billable hours.
When an attorney eats lunch at his desk, the perfect aura is portrayed to those who work around him. The lawyer is telling the world that he doesn’t have time for a break today (other than frequent checks of the internet, personal phone calls and emails). This causes those who walk by the lawyer’s office to wonder why this diligent warrior has chosen to make his office smell like a chicken cheese steak for the rest of the day. The inevitable conclusion is either that guy has nobody to go to lunch with or he is a busy bee, generating fees for the greater good at the expense of some friendly lunch banter. In other words, the risk of being labeled a loner is worth the potential reward.
If a lawyer goes out to lunch, he should always make sure it is under the cover of a client meeting. Lawyers that find themselves relaxing in the employee cafeteria for an hour or two can pretty much count on a visit from the pink slip fairy. The reality is that lunch is nothing more than a barrier to a fully productive day to the lawyer. In fact, rumor has it that in most law firms a partner has not fully read your draft of a deal document or memo unless you can find a food stain on it. All of this talk of lunch making you hungry? Go ahead and grab some lunch you champion of right and wrong – just make sure you have them make it “to go.”
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