“Team TP” is in many respects a small law firm. Baker Botts has three senior partners, two junior partners, six associates, and two paralegals working on the Tycoon Products defense. Since Baker Botts adheres to the “substantive work goes to the highest biller” model, Wilmore’s tasks have consisted almost entirely of document review and memos summarizing deposition transcripts. Not surprisingly, Wilmore has never interacted with anyone at Tycoon. One time, a partner on the case emailed that Tycoon’s General Counsel was coming to the firm, but somehow there wasn’t enough time in the day to bring him by Wilmore’s interior office for a meeting. Today, Wilmore will probably not even get introduced on the call, but he will hear something first-hand for the first time. According to one of Wilmore’s colleagues, “he’s got a little bit more of a bounce in his step today. I mean it’s not every day that an associate get this close to the client. It shows the partners have confidence that he won’t blow the situation by….well, hmm, how could he blow that situation? Maybe they just don’t want too many people to realize how it’s not that hard to talk to clients?” When we reached Wilmore minutes before the call, he seemed ready to go. “I have several pens and a notepad ready so that I can take some seriously detailed notes today,” he explained energetically. “I’ll probably have to cancel my dinner plans tonight too because I want to turn around the interview summary memo fast.” When we questioned Wilmore on whether he anticipates actually speaking on the call, he just looked back blankly – “You do realize I work at Baker Botts, right?” And then he hung up. Guess his phone skills do need some work.
For the first time since he joined Baker Botts two years ago, associate Paul Wilmore has a pretty important meeting on his Outlook calendar. This afternoon, sixth-year associate Jason Moon has asked Wilmore to second-chair a conference call with an employee at firm client Tycoon Products. Baker Botts has been defending products liability lawsuits against Tycoon related to its weight loss pill “Metabozilla” since early 2007 and Wilmore has been part of “Team TP” since he billed his first minute at the firm.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Associate to Second-Chair Conference Call
Monday, February 1, 2010
Attorney Forgets to Settle Case
When Paul Hastings partner Jeffrey Schmidt flipped through his calendar this past Monday he was utterly mystified at what he saw. Friday, the day he was planning to leave early to “drum up business” at the local racquet club, was completely blocked off for a jury trial in the United States District Court for the District of Columbia. “It couldn’t be,” Schmidt thought to himself. “That case for Wilkinson Oil has to have settled.” Then it hit him, in the midst of consistently ignoring phone calls and emails, he had totally forgotten to settle the case. As a result, Schmidt was potentially encountering something he hadn’t seen in more than a dozen years of BigLaw practice – a case that actually needs to be tried in front of a judge or jury.
Frantically, Schmidt scanned his brain for the name of the associate who handles the Wilkinson Oil case. After some trial and error, he reached Elizabeth Cummings, a fifth year that he only remembered as someone who sent way too many emails. Cummings was ecstatic at hearing from Schmidt. “Jeff, thank God you called – where have you been? I have been trying to reach you since the court denied our summary judgment motion three months ago! I’ve been flying this ship without a proper license and I need your help.” Schmidt apologized for being “out of pocket” and agreed to meet Cummings in a conference room on the 22nd floor to get up to speed.
Two hours later, Schmidt finally made his way to the conference room where encountered a bleary Cummings surrounded by stacks of boxes, notepads and take-out containers. “What in the world have you been doing in here?” Schmidt asked with incredulity. “Isn’t this just a breach of contract case?” Cummings, resisting the urge to dive at Schmidt and stuff every piece of paper in the room down his throat, calmly replied, “Well Jeff, per my daily emails and voicemails I have been finalizing our exhibit and witness lists, preparing deposition designations and filing motions in limine by last Friday’s deadline!”
As Cummings spoke, Schmidt got immediately distracted by how much she looked like his niece from Colorado before getting completely overwhelmed by a pounding headache. “Cummings!” Schmidt interjected. “Please stop. My brain can’t take all of this at once. I’m going to talk to the client about resolving this thing so you can stand down.” Cummings again quickly counted to 10 before asking if Schmidt got the “settlement is not an option” email from the client last week.
Schmidt feigned anger, muttered “of course I did” and stormed out of the room to return to his office. Alone in his office a moment later, his heart racing, Schmidt tried to calm his emotions before turning to his computer, pulling up Google and typing in “books on how to try a breach of contract case.” Good luck Wilkinson Oil, good luck.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Brick Breaker Score Overwhelms Associate During Recent Team Meeting
Jack Wilkins, a third-year litigation associate in Baker Botts, LLP’s Washington, D.C. office likes to say his Blackberry had him at hello. Pretty much whenever he has a free minute, or if there’s a pause in conversation, Wilkins is heads down, thumb scrolling on his handheld. This addiction has lead to some socially unacceptable behavior. For example, he’s seen his average time in the bathroom almost double as a result of his complete obsession with several of the free games that he’s downloaded. His Blackberry time has also become difficult to manage at work.
In meetings, Wilkins, like many of his colleagues, is constantly checking his Blackberry when the spotlight is focused elsewhere. Due to the fact that he almost always has a non-speaking role at meetings, he has even become accustomed to launching an all-consuming game of Brick Breaker – a classic video game that challenges you to clear stages by using a paddle to destroy bricks one by one – to pass the time. Sometimes this can cause him to miss almost everything that is covered.
Recently, Brick Breaker became a deal breaker for Wilkins. At a team meeting on pre-trial strategy, Wilkins reached his highest level on Brick Breaker to date just as the lead partner, on the case, Calvin Cambridge, was laying out a key weakness. Unable to contain his emotions, Wilkins audibly let out a “Yes!” right as Cambridge stated that there’s a chance that the client’s lead corporate witness could have his credibility seriously damaged on cross-examination.
As everyone in the conference room turned to in shock, Cambridge asked Wilkins what could possibly be positive about such a situation. Crushed by the fact that his outburst had cost him an even higher Brick Breaker score, Wilkins responded with “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” and then quickly excused himself to use the restroom to avoid the deafening silence that followed. The repercussions for Wilkins have been immediate. He has been dropped from his rightful place as the third person copied on case-related emails. Some of Wilkins’ colleagues think that his position as head of the document review team is also in jeopardy. Sounds like someone is in need of treatment for his crackberry addiction.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Law Firm's Libraries To Become Museums
“The creative law firm will emerge the successful law firm.” Such were the words chosen by Latham & Watkins LLP’s managing partner Charles “Chip” Phillips earlier this week when he announced the megafirm’s plans to revamp its office libraries into modern day legal museums. Latham plans to transform these often unused spaces into exhibit halls that will “celebrate the old-fashioned practice of law that existed before the dawn of the digital age.”
“Most law firms don’t have a plan for what to do with the mountains of books and journals that they have compiled over the years,” explained Phillips. “We decided to turn this challenge into an opportunity to bring clients from all walks of life to our offices to see the way law was practiced in eras gone by.” Latham plans to make its museums an interactive experience. For example, Westlaw and LexisNexis have signed up to provide a “hands-on exhibit” where visitors will be timed on how long it takes them to find a case supporting an argument in “the books” versus an online search. A display called “Getting a Little Dewey Eyed” will reflect on how the Dewey Decimal system helped spark the growth of the legal industry. And visitors will have the opportunity to sit in chairs and flip through legal treatises like attorneys did before becoming latched to a keyboard and monitor.
Latham currently plans to offer existing and prospective clients free tours while charging the public $5 per person to take a walk through the firm’s former library space. The hope is that the entry fee for visitors and general donations will help cover the operating costs of these legal library museums. The firm is also considering allowing individuals to check out books like an actual library with the hopes that when they go home and read through a particular treatise they might spot a legal issue they have and then come back to the firm to request legal assistance.
Library staff will receive training in museum operations and tour guidance before this transition is finalized. “You know how much everyone’s enjoying that TV show ‘Mad Men’ on AMC?” explained an over-excited Chip Phillips. “Well, that made it clear to us that the past is important. We want to keep the memory of the golden legal ages alive. In fact, we might even have to double our library, I mean museum, staff. The folks we have aren't exactly used to putting in a full day, if you know what I mean.” Despite Phillips' obvious enthusiasm, it still remains to be seen whether other firms will follow Latham's approach to creative use of useless office space.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
New Firm Photo Leads to Lawsuit
Former Clyburn second-year associate and college gymnast, Monica Upshaw, has recently sued the law firm for the harassment that she received as a result of her photo spread. According to the complaint filed in federal court, the looks and calls Upshaw received once her firm profile went public drove her to quit her job and have ruined her chances for future employment in the legal community. The profile, which included the tagline “I’ll do flips for you,” has since been taken down by Clyburn, but was attached to the complaint. It showed Upshaw in three different photos. The first was a standard full-body shot in business attire; the second was the same pose in a leotard; and the third was a mid-air shot of Upshaw flipping over her desk while holding a laptop. According to Upshaw’s complaint, after her firm profile picture was changed “against her will,” co-workers began to comment on her body. Most frequently she received comments such as “now that I’ve seen you, I’m a believer.” Partners also allegedly asked Upshaw to perform flips and splits in front of clients. A process that she found “more degrading than anything she’s done besides typing up notes from conference calls or coordinating travel plans.” Some predict that this lawsuit is only the tip of the iceberg. “I have a friend who just went through the whole re-branding experience at his law firm,” reported a disgruntled attorney when approached for comment on this story by Litination. “He’s a larger man who used to get the utmost deference from clients and opposing counsel. Now, however, he almost always gets a ‘how’s it going big guy’ when he talks to someone he’s never met. He even told me that recently when a party forgot to mute their phone on a conference call he heard someone singing the ‘five dollar foot long’ Subway jingle after he announced his name. That’s going to be a huge claim (no pun intended).” Maybe the rush away from headshots wasn’t the best idea. Isn’t it common knowledge that most lawyers are more cut out for radio than for TV?
Consistent with its new slogan “Seeing is Believing,” Atlanta law firm Clyburn & Murphy LLP recently made a decision to revamp its website. Gone are the black and white headshots of attorneys that are so frequently found on law firm websites. In their place are color spreads of three photos (including at least one “full-body shot”) for each attorney. The goal? Let clients see a different, more personal side of their lawyers. The result? A sexual harassment lawsuit.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Lawyer Takes Decoration of New Office a Bit Too Far
Susan McCutchen has always had a knack for interior design. Her college dorm room was inspired by her favorite designer, Lilly Pulitzer, and was a big hit with the preppy crowd at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. In law school, she was the only student who redecorated and re-painted her apartment based on the time of year. So when McCutchen walked into her new office at Holland & Knight, she had to take a moment to let the disappointment subside.
Already bored with her first assignment later that day, she had to stop to determine just what she could do to spruce up the white walls and beige carpet. Four hours later, she had a plan to create a “more inspired workspace.” After a quick trip to Pottery Barn, Target, and Calico Corners, she was ready to roll. First, she covered most of the carpet with throw rugs. Second, she put cushions on her window sill to make a comfortable reading nook and hung matching valences over the windows. Third, and finally, she installed lamps in every corner of the room.
After pulling an all-nighter getting the place “up to snuff,” McCutchen walked the floor to see how the other lawyers had designed their spaces. She was disappointed to find that most had opted for a couple of plants, pictures of friends and family on the shelves, and a painting or framed picture hung on the wall. Only one lawyer had anything close to a stylish work space and that was a guy named Javier in Corporate who had a dozen or so stuffed animals in his office, kept the overhead lights off and had something constantly generating a smell of incense and Indian food.
McCutchen’s efforts were initially a big hit on the floor as she has enjoyed a steady string of visitors to her office. When Holland & Knight’s managing partner found out about the “shenanigans” however, the customization efforts took a turn for the worse. She was initially told that the decorations must be taken down and everything restored to institutional bland in 24 hours, but after a long meeting with firm management, McCutchen was able to negotiate a compromise. She could keep the decorations as long as she agreed to live in her office three days a week.
Read More......Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Apocalypse Now?
According to the AmLaw Daily, the four horsemen of the associate apocalypse will be named Bingham, McCutchen, Nixon, and Peabody. Is it only a matter of time before we see an article about associate death by a thousand salary cuts? Click on the picture below for the full story.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Vault Dig Sparks Pathetic Shoving Episode at Labor Day Barbeque
According to numerous reports, a perfectly awesome Labor Day barbeque in Pittsburgh was ruined this year by another argument over law firm rankings. As eighteenth-ranked Florida State fell to unranked Miami, Jeff Carpol, a fourth-year Reed Smith associate, was all over his law school buddy Kevin Zunk. “Gotta love my Canes! Gotta love my Canes!” screamed Carpol as he pounded his chest in support of his college alma mater’s big win. Zunk, a fourth-year associate at K&L Gates and die hard Florida State grad, was able to sit there and take the abuse for a minute or two, but soon he began to shake with anger.
Unable to take the over-the-top ridicule raining down on him, Zunk went where he knew he shouldn’t go when he spouted out, “yeah, too bad your law firm can’t pull an upset in the Vault rankings Carpol.” The two friends didn’t bring up their law firm rankings too often, but both were aware that they were separated by a mere five spots in the bottom half of the recently published Vault 100. Sure, nobody has any idea what separates their two firms, but ever since they left Pitt Law and accepted their firm jobs you could just tell Zunk felt somewhat superior.
Zunk’s zinger pulled Carpol straight out of his victory dance and into a red-faced rage. “Whatever Kevin, like Vault has any idea how big our recent expansion into New Mexico is going to be,” snapped a clearly insulted Carpol. “Ha, New Mexico, try dropping the ‘New’ pal and then you’ll see where we’re headed as a firm,” countered a smug Zunk.
The Mexico versus New Mexico dig was the last word either would get in before the episode became truly humiliating. Carpol started it of by lunging at Zunk with both arms extended. His small to medium-sized shove and a “screw you” came across as borderline effeminate but only served to embolden Zunk who gave him the Heisman and a “don’t make me hurt you.”
These two really hadn’t been at it like this since their third year softball tournament when they disagreed over whether the rules allowed for a foul ball strikeout. Just like that time, however, their shoving match was broken up by Zunk’s embarrassed girlfriend, Mindy. Friends are hoping that the two will eventually refocus on their mutual fear of being laid off or getting their salaries cut in half or that the next time someone will at least throw a punch.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Top 10 Reasons Your Law Firm Didn’t Make the 2010 Vault 100
10) Your firm’s biggest clients were Linens & Things and Circuit City.
9) The performance metric at your firm has changed from profits per partner to pro bono cases per partner.
8) The only associates left at your firm are relatives.
7) Your firm’s start date for new associates is 2020.
6) Nobody in your firm has heard of Litination.
5) Your firm used to focus on mortgage-backed securities.
4) Most of your firm’s office space has been converted to apartments.
3) Your firm thought it was worthwhile to increase its vending machine rates by 25 cents.
2) Blackberries are only a fruit at your firm.
1) Your firm no longer exists.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Merger Creates Longest Firm Name in U.S. History
In a move that is certain to send rumblings through the legal community, New York City law firms Kittredge, Milbank, Johnson, Carter, Steiner & Jones LLP and Smith, Peters, Milton, Green, Greene & Neumann LLP have merged to create the longest named law firm in United States history.
The new firm of Kittredge, Smith, Milbank, Peters, Johnson, Milton, Carter, Green, Steiner, Greene, Jones & Neumann LLP will total a combined 9,485 lawyers spanning the globe from New York City to Bangladesh.
Chairman of the newly created firm, Martin Milbank says he is not worried about having a firm with such a long name. “Seriously, I think people are tired of not knowing who is really in charge when dealing with a law firm,” remarked Milbank. “With all of the names listed on our letterhead, our clients will finally know where the buck stops.” When pressed about how that logic would apply to the six names in the firm’s title that belong to now deceased partners, Milbanks brushed aside such criticism with a dismissive, “that’s neither here nor there.”
The new firm’s website http://www.ksmpjmcgsgjn.com is also breaking boundaries as far as how firms market themselves on the web. In an era where law firms are trending toward shorter names and hence shorter web addresses, Kittredge, Smith, Milbank, Peters, Johnson, Milton, Carter, Green, Steiner, Greene, Jones & Neumann LLP is marching to the beat of its own drum. This, however, is not sitting well with new associate Lauren Epcott who is frustrated at how hard it will be to get friends and relatives to get to her firm’s website.
“Honestly, when I tried telling my Mom where she could go online to see my picture and biography on the firm’s website, it was a nightmare,” complained Epcott. “My Mom literally asked me to start over three times, and one time when I was right in the middle of listing out our web address our cell phone connection cut out.” Lauren also remarked that her new business card is so full of names that it’s impossible to write her personal cellphone number on it when she’s handing it out at bars. “Since the merger, I haven’t had one guy call me back after giving out my number at a bar. I think it’s because of how small of a space I have to write anything on my business card.” Epcott remarked sadly. “When we were just Smith, Peters, Milton, Green, Greene & Neumann LLP I was hooking up like twice a week…this is miserable.”
Also frustrated with the merger is firm receptionist Betty Kunkle. Saying “Hello, this is Kittredge, Smith, Milbank, Peters, Johnson, Milton, Carter, Green, Steiner, Greene, Jones & Neumann LLP, how may I direct your call isn’t a walk in the park,” said Kunkle. “I mean I used to have our firm’s name down without a problem, but now every time I answer the phone I’m leaving out at least one name,” said Kunkle. In fact, Kunkle admits that sometimes she just doesn’t say the firm’s name when she answers the phone. “I know it’s not professional and all that, but sometimes my mouth just hurts saying all of those names,” admitted a defeated Kunkle.
The recent merger flys in the face of the recent move by Kipler, Davis, Whitler & Penny P.C. which recently changed its firm name to the symbol “!”. Bill Kipler, managing partner at “!” claimed, “our new name shows our commitment to reducing our client’s costs; just think how many billable hours are saved no longer typing out our entire name on pleadings, letters, etc.” This is a change from the move “!” made two years ago when it started calling itself “the law firm formerly known as Kipler, Davis, Whitler & Penny.” Such a move truly back-fired as most of the firm’s clients thought the firm had ceased operations. What all of these changes mean nobody really knows. One thing is clear, according to Martin Milbank and the lawyers at KSMPJMCGSGJN LLP, “the practice of law will always be more than a bunch of name calling.” Or will it…?
Read More......Thursday, July 23, 2009
Fortress of Binders Fails to Protect Associate from Being Laid Off
“If thou look'st busy, thou shall remain employed.” As news of cost-cutting permeates the legal industry, the appearance of an active practice has never been more important. For some, however, even the best ruse can’t save the inevitable pink slip. Take, for example, Melvin Crumstack, an associate in Foley and Lardner LLP’s corporate group who was axed last week.
According to numerous reports, Crumstack last worked on a billable matter in “late 2008,” but he kept his office as cluttered as possible over the past seven months in order to give those who walked by the impression that he was buried in work. “Oh man, Crumstack was really legendary,” commented an anonymous fourth-year from Foley & Lardner when Litination contacted her yesterday. “Even though it was common knowledge that he had jack squat to do, you would always see him in his office sifting through a mountain of papers while audibly sighing and running his fingers through his hair.”
Apparently, over the past four to six weeks, Crumstack decided to start piling binders around his desk and window ledge as an attempt to build an impenetrable fortress of pretend business. A closer inspection of these binders after Crumstack was fired uncovered that many of them contained old deal documents printed out over and over again. “It was kind of sad, actually,” explained Crumstack’s next door neighbor at Foley. “I mean it was like Melvin was pretending to run old deals the way a kid pretends he’s shooting the winning basket at the NBA Finals on the hoop in his driveway.”
Other associates aren’t that far behind Crumstack in their antics. While conversation amongst lawyers almost always touches on billing at some point, talk of “small matters” or vague “meetings with clients” that wouldn’t pass the smell test two years ago has become the norm. Some attorneys are also rumored to have not opened their office door in weeks. What are they doing behind these closed doors? Some are buffing their resumes, while others are simply curled up in the fetal position hoping that this too shall pass and the days of actually being busy will return.
Read More......Friday, July 17, 2009
Akin Gump To Establish Associate Farm System
New associates at Akin Gump Strauss Hauer and Feld LLP are heading to the minors. Yesterday, one day after the completion of professional baseball’s 2009 Cricket Wireless AAA All-Star Game, Akin Gump announced that it will be instituting a new program this fall that will divert all of its first-year associates to positions with one of the firms that it typically uses as local counsel. The terms of the new plan, including how long the incoming associates will stay in these smaller firms, are sketchy, but one thing is clear, the firm intends to use a new “farm system” approach to producing the type of associate talent its clients are demanding.
In a press release, Akin Gump said it envisioned the new associates fielding “all sorts” of legal issues in this “year or more” at a smaller firm. The goal is to get associates “fully participating in the game no matter how small the playing field.” Akin Gump’s move comes amidst growing sentiment in the legal profession that clients are tired of putting “bet the company” matters in the hands of rookie lawyers. According to one general counsel, the current big law system is broken. “If I’m about to head into the late innings of a products liability case the last thing I’m going to do is rely on inexperienced pitchers to close out the game. Too often big law firms leverage John and Judy law school graduate until the game reaches the ninth inning. Sometimes, by that point the game is so out of hand even the best closer can’t help you.”
Indeed, many in the legal industry believe Akin Gump’s announcement could start a shift in how attorneys spend their first several years out of law school as associates move back and forth among major and minor firms. Without new associates, however, some believe Akin Gump may struggle to deal with the grunt work that comes with any large representation. At least one legal analyst believes that this means the market for contract attorneys is about to explode. “The way I see it, if you’re a citizen of India or a student of a third-tier law school, your limited skill set means you are almost completely recession proof.”
With this move, Akin Gump does risk backlash from associates that view the new plan as a demotion. According to one anonymous law student who is planning to start at Akin Gump in the fall, the switch to a local counsel’s office is going to be quite difficult. “Look, I am all for gaining valuable experience after law school, but up until yesterday I was heading to Akin’s office in New York. Now, I just received word that I’ll be working at a two-person shop in Birmingham, Alabama. I’m devastated. I mean the only thing worse would be if they told me I was re-assigned to DLA Piper.”
Monday, July 6, 2009
Corporate Partner Totally Overwhelmed By Family Court
Things at the office have been painstakingly slow for Terry Whiteheart, a partner in Munger, Tolles & Olson LLP’s Corporate group. So, last week, once he had made the last call on his business generation list of college and law school contacts, Whiteheart made a decision he would quickly regret – he decided to take on a pro bono case. “I used to talk about this program we have with Child Support Services all the time when we used to recruit attorneys so I decided to get involved. . . looking back, I wish somebody would have talked some sense into me,” explained a haggard-looking Whiteheart when Litination met with him in his Los Angeles office last week.
Whiteheart soon learned that he would be representing a behaviorally-challenged ten-year old girl that had been institutionalized after she had been voluntarily placed in foster care by her mother. As a “deal guy” accustomed to order, structure and tons of help, he quickly realized he didn’t know where to start. His first meeting with his new client went about as well as that frantic closing in 2006 where some idiotic associate screwed up the signature pages. Luckily, a social worker from Child Support Services had been assigned to help him manage. According to Whiteheart, she gave him key pointers like “try to make occasional eye contact” and “avoid references to expensive wines.”
Quickly moving past this bumpy start, Whiteheart felt like the ship had been righted when he requested and received his client’s educational records in advance of the first court hearing. As soon as his town car dropped him off at the Compton Courthouse, however, Whiteheart realized he was back in hot water. As he entered the courthouse, he was asked to leave behind all of his electronic devices with the clerk at the door. Worried how he would continue to function without his electronic security blankets, he charged toward the front of the security line in search of the royal treatment.
Despite his hurried look and thick pin-striped suit, Whiteheart failed to impress anyone. A burly security guard barely even glanced at him before demanding he produce his attorney identification card – something Whitehead kept at home in the drawer designated for things he never uses. He tried hard to convince the rent-a-cop that he was an attorney, including repeatedly pointing to the monograms on his button-down, but his powers of persuasion were clearly lacking. Sent to the back of the line, his heart began to race as he realized he was in danger of running late for his hearing. This fear became reality about fifteen minutes later when Whiteheart’s two contraband Blackberries set off the security alarm as he walked through the metal detector. Finally, eighteen minutes later, and eleven minutes after his hearing was scheduled to begin, Whiteheart made it to Courtroom Q. When he saw the social worker from Child Services heading toward him, he sighed with relief. That passed quickly though as she asked with exasperation how in the world he could have missed the hearing. Whiteheart looked around for an associate to blame, but he was caught with his proverbial pants down - and the reprimand from the social worker was not the worst of it. Since Whiteheart didn’t show, the judge had appointed another attorney to represent the child. Whiteheart had also been sanctioned for his failure to appear. The sentence? Twenty hours of CLEs on civil procedure.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Attorney’s Transition from Big Law Off to A Rough Start
By all accounts, Trevor Gorkins was an attorney on the partner track at Paul Hastings LLP. A star from the moment he entered the firm’s summer program, Gorkins was all locked into a bright future overseeing the firm’s Mergers & Acquisitions practice until the economy started making a gigantic sucking sound. Suddenly unable to call on once reliable clients for business, Gorkins was shown the door in January of 2009.
Anxious to hold on to his overpriced lifestyle, Gorkins shot his resume far and wide. A couple of weeks and interviews later, Gorkins was pumped to be hired by Carter & Peabody LLP, a three-lawyer Hoboken, New Jersey self-proclaimed “capital markets boutique.” Unfortunately, this “golden opportunity to make a name for himself” has turned into a bit of a struggle for Gorkins – a lawyer that depended heavily on the resources that surrounded him. Faced with a computer problem on his second day on the job, Gorkins immediately felt the pains of no longer having a dedicated technology help desk as he spent most of his morning dealing with a Gateway IT person (live from India) before giving up and driving home to use his personal laptop. Similarly, when he tried to get the one secretary in the office to help him with making some redlines on a deal document he was met with a blank stare and a "Sweetie, don’t be getting any ideas that I’m your own personal Erin Brockovich. I’m just here to answer the phones and make coffee."
Under pressure to get work done and generate business without the support of an army of junior associate at his beck and call, Gorkins has had to get creative with managing his workload. While he “tries his best” to stay on top of the day to day deal flow, he has been forced to hire his cleaning guy to make copies. He recently convinced his cousin, a junior at Manhattan College, that it would be a good resume booster if he took care of incorporating changes and making redlines on any documents Gorkins sends to his Gmail account. Gorkins has also had a rotating array of girlfriends and one-night stands transcribing his dictation and voicemail messages.
All of this has the once-savvy practitioner constantly on the verge of committing malpractice. In the end, though, Gorkins made a calculated gamble when he decided that size no longer matters. The risk of malpractice is better than no practice at all.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Generally Worthless Associate Furious About Pay Cut
When second-year associate Evan Patterson opened the hand delivered, confidential memo from his firm chairman at Baker & McKenzie, his blood started to boil. The memo brought the bad news that due to “the extremely challenging economic environment,” associate salaries were being slashed. “Unbelievable!” exclaimed an irate Patterson as he hid the memo under the two other pieces of paper on his desk. “I’m so outta here once this economy turns around a decade from now!” Patterson then charged out of his office for a stress breaker workout at his swanky sports club down the street.
On his way to the gym, Patterson called his good friend and former colleague, Kevin Grouse, to vent. “KG! You are not going to believe what happened at the BM today. Oh yeah, they gave us the final kick in the cajones by pulling about 10-20K out of our personal bottom lines.” A puzzled Grouse took a moment before explaining to Patterson that already happened to him (times 16) when they laid him off six weeks ago. “Give it a rest dude. Right now my only source of income is some LSAT tutoring I’m doing for family friends, so I’d take your painful pay cut any day,” commented Grouse before faking a call waiting to get off the phone.
When he returned to the office, Patterson proceeded to spend the next two hours commenting furiously about the demise of Baker & McKenzie on Above the Law. Then he took a moment to reflect on where he stood. A very junior member of Baker & McKenzie’s Banking and Finance practice group, Patterson was currently 70-80% behind his billable hour requirement for 2009. In fact, he has still failed to bill the 2000 hours the firm requires per year over the course of his 21 months at the firm.
With no book of business (Patterson had not heard a client’s voice since graduating from Fordham Law School in 2007) and unemployed colleagues across New York in the thousands, his options were next to none. With that, he quickly crafted an email to Baker & McKenzie’s firm chairman voicing support for the changes being made. Allegedly, it was signed “Thank you sir, may I have another? Very truly yours, Evan”.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Potluck Dinner Produces Awkward Start to Firm's Summer Associate Program
As Kelly Picardo scooped some coleslaw onto her paper plate, she took a moment to finally relax. As firms began laying off associaties, freezing salaries and deferring start dates left and right, Picardo had been worried that this day, the start of her Summer Associate Program at Alston & Bird LLP, might never come. Then, two Tuesdays ago and a couple of weeks before her scheduled start date, she felt like she had been kicked in the gut. Ms. Picardo had just received word via email that Alston & Bird had decided to substitute the usual kick-off celebration at an upscale restaurant with a potluck dinner in a conference room on the 32nd floor of their downtown Atlanta offices.
Well aware that the firm was planning to be stingy with offers, she had been counting on making a strong first impression and riding its wave to a (hopefully) guaranteed pay day next fall. But as someone who could mess up a bowl of cereal, Picardo knew that she had the potential to garner an unfavorable reputation if she tried to cook anything. To make matters worse, the cheesy direction from the Alston & Bird summer chairs was to “make something that defines you”. In the end, she decided that her best bet was to pass off spinach and cheese ravioli from Whole Foods as her own creation.
Picardo went as far as to come up with a mantra of sorts to help promote her ravioli at the potluck. Throughout the day leading up to the kick-off dinner she could be heard explaining to any and all that spinach and cheese ravioli is her favorite thing to cook because “like her, it’s something that looks ordinary on the outside but is filled with greatness on the inside.” Now, as she fixed herself a plate of food, she felt relieved that she had passed the first test of what was likely to be a draining summer.
Unfortunately, Picardo’s relaxed feeling was short-lived. As she was cutting into a piece of her fellow summer’s famous meat loaf, she received a small tap on the shoulder from Melanie Straykowski, one of the firm’s hiring partners. Much to Picardo’s delight Straykowski noted that she was really enjoying the ravioli. She then handed Picardo a receipt from Whole Foods that she picked up over by the food table. “Just wanted to make sure you had this so you could stay on top of your expenses,” stated Straykowski with a wry smile. “You’ll probably need to stay on top of those when you don’t have a job next year."
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
New York State to Delay Bar Exam Results for One Year
[For those seeking information regarding New York bar exam results, please note that this article is satirical (Litination Disclaimer). Best of luck to all applicants!]
With a flood of new lawyers about to further saturate an already waterlogged legal market, the New York State Board of Law Examiners have decided to step in and delay the deluge. Citing an "inspiration" from large law firms throughout the state, the Board announced that it will not release the results of the bar examination it administers in July 2009 until the end of 2010. According to a press release issued by the Board of Law Examiners, the delay is "not designed to discourage individuals from the practice of law" but rather, it is "to protect the interest of those lawyers that are already practicing" and to make sure that new lawyers "consider all of their options" before getting licensed as attorneys.
Those closest to the decision indicated that public service agencies throughout New York had advocated strongly for this move. As associates at many private firms were granted handsome stipends in exchange for pursuing public interest positions on a volunteer basis, these agencies were forced to ask long-time employees to take a paycut. "For the past three years, I have worked for $45,000 a year and season tickets to the New York Philharmonic," explained an attorney for the New York Artists Alliance. "After the big firm lawyers started dropping in and offering to work for free, my boss told me I could either take a $15,000 decrease and upper deck Mets tickets or walk my love for the arts out the door. Enough is enough!"
At a recent Bar/Bri lecture at Fordham Law School, the mood was relatively unaffected by the recent news of delayed results. "I guess I should be upset," explained a lifeless recent graduate during a break from a Constitutional Law lecture, "I mean I'm hemorraghing money faster than a General Motors car dealership, but in all honesty even if I was to pass the bar this time around I don't have a snowball's chance in hell of getting a job right now. I mean, I went to Syracuse Law School, so I can't even be trusted with a bathroom break much less a bar license. Maybe in a year or so this whole economic situation and my law school's dismal reputation will have faded from memory?"
To help students cope with this unexpected development, Bar/Bri has inserted two additional lectures into this summer's standard lineup: "Short-Story Writing" and "Launching Your Own Blog." According to a student that has reviewed the materials about writing a blog, the course pretty much encourages individuals to share their life stories with the world. "I guess that'd be pretty interesting," responded Michael Purcell, "except for the fact that we're all unemployed, unlicensed lawyers. What are we going to do, launch a site called Below the Law?"
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Summer Program to Incorporate Hall Passes and Watch Groups
Aspiring attorneys are under siege. Syracuse University Law School recently announced that bathroom breaks will be limited during exams because students are engaging in covert bathroom texting to get a better grade. At the same time, the war on first year associates is well underway with new attorneys being blamed for causing inflated salaries and generating client dissatisfaction. In the wake of these developments, summer associate programs across the country are facing major revisions and one firm, Morgan, Lewis & Bockius LLP, has announced that it plans to take the oversight of its summer associates to the next level.
At a meeting this week, the firm informed all attorneys that summer associates would not be able to travel the halls during working hours without a hall pass approved and signed for by a partner. “I know this is a little unconventional, but this is simply another response to client demands,” explained firm chairman Fran Milone. “Clients want us to maximize the amount of free work we can generate from summer associates to compensate for the rates we are charging for our generally worthless crop of junior associates.” According to the announcement, Morgan Lewis summers can email a partner with a request to leave their office and if approved, should print out the partner’s return email and carry it with them. If a summer associate is found wandering the halls without a hall pass or with a hall pass that was issued more than 10 minutes ago, their eventual start date will be delayed an additional year.
Morgan Lewis also plans to organize “Floor Watch Groups” designed to ensure that summer associates are spending each hour of their day learning the craft of lawyering instead of wasting time on the phone, on the internet or in random, pointless conversations with other attorneys. The “Floor Watch Groups” are styled after the popular Neighborhood Watch programs implemented by many cities and towns. Attorneys will rotate shifts where they will be required to “stop by” the summer associate offices on their floors and report back anonymously to firm management if a summer is found violating the terms of their precarious and utterly temporary employment arrangement. The firm made sure to clarify that the Floor Watch Groups would not be monitoring any secretarial behavior.
“I think this marks another major shift in the practice of law as we know it,” explained legal analyst Martin Festerbilk. “While law students have been sought after and recruited heavily for years, now they are being viewed with much more skepticism. Then again, if students can’t be trusted to use the bathroom without cheating on exams, can they really be ready to take on the rigors of the grunt work that defines the first-year of Big Law practice? I say probably, but that doesn’t mean law firms won’t be monitoring them very closely.”
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Billable Hour Admitted to Hospital
The Billable Hour, a longstanding measure of lawyerly worth and a crutch to inefficient lawyers alike, was urgently admitted to Lenox Hill hospital in New York last week. News has leaked out of Lenox Hill that the billable hour’s condition is not related to the recent outbreak of swine flu. Instead, it is speculated that the Billable Hour was admitted following continued complications from episodes of anxiety and depression that have been plaguing the steadfast timekeeper since late 2007.
“Look, it’s no secret that the Billable Hour suffered an intense loss when his good friend mortgage-backed securities essentially passed away in early 2008,” explained legal commentator David Lat during an interview with Fox & Friends. “Now, people are turning on old Billable Hour while the economy’s in the toilet and he’s got nowhere to turn. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that the Billable Hour tried to take his own life.”
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Recent Layoffs Decimate Fried Frank’s Softball Team
Sixth year trusts and estates associate and firm softball captain Evan Plinkton was sitting in his office daydreaming about his spring season line-up when he received the email. According to its firm chairman, Fried, Frank, Harris, Shriver & Jacobson LLP was going to have to layoff 41 associates in response to the global economic downturn. Plinkton had stayed consistently busy in the past couple of months, so he was confident that he would be spared. He quickly realized, however, that the same probably could not be said for the heart of his batting order.
Plinkton’s first call went to Martin Tenley, a fourth year corporate associate who could knock the cover off of a slow-pitched softball. When Tenley’s assistant answered the call, Plinkton could tell from her voice that the news was bad. He immediately hung up and called his shortstop and five-hole hitter Peter Grumm. Grumm picked up after the first ring, “Sorry Plinkton, looks like you guys are going to have to play small ball this year, I got canned five minutes ago.” Plinkton felt like the sky was falling.
Fifteen minutes and five phone calls later, it became clear that Fried Frank would no longer be this year’s league favorite. Six starters had fallen victim to the downsizing, including two first-year associates from softball powerhouse UVa Law. The present and the future of Fried Frank softball was toast.
Plinkton cringed at the thought of other firms picking up the meat and potatoes of his line-up. If Gibson Dunn hired his laid-off leadoff hitter and third baseman, they would be unbeatable. The loud ring of his phone woke him from the thought of this nightmare. It was eighth year associate Barry Belky. Plinkton had been hiding the exact time and location of Fried Frank’s softball games from Belky for five years. Today, however, was a different story. Plinkton reluctantly picked up the phone and with forced enthusiasm stated, “Belky, good to hear from you. Ever played right field?”
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