Vault Dig Sparks Pathetic Shoving Episode at Labor Day Barbeque

According to numerous reports, a perfectly awesome Labor Day barbeque in Pittsburgh was ruined this year by another argument over law firm rankings. As eighteenth-ranked Florida State fell to unranked Miami, Jeff Carpol, a fourth-year Reed Smith associate, was all over his law school buddy Kevin Zunk. “Gotta love my Canes! Gotta love my Canes!” screamed Carpol as he pounded his chest in support of his college alma mater’s big win. Zunk, a fourth-year associate at K&L Gates and die hard Florida State grad, was able to sit there and take the abuse for a minute or two, but soon he began to shake with anger.

Unable to take the over-the-top ridicule raining down on him, Zunk went where he knew he shouldn’t go when he spouted out, “yeah, too bad your law firm can’t pull an upset in the Vault rankings Carpol.” The two friends didn’t bring up their law firm rankings too often, but both were aware that they were separated by a mere five spots in the bottom half of the recently published Vault 100. Sure, nobody has any idea what separates their two firms, but ever since they left Pitt Law and accepted their firm jobs you could just tell Zunk felt somewhat superior.

Zunk’s zinger pulled Carpol straight out of his victory dance and into a red-faced rage. “Whatever Kevin, like Vault has any idea how big our recent expansion into New Mexico is going to be,” snapped a clearly insulted Carpol. “Ha, New Mexico, try dropping the ‘New’ pal and then you’ll see where we’re headed as a firm,” countered a smug Zunk.

The Mexico versus New Mexico dig was the last word either would get in before the episode became truly humiliating. Carpol started it of by lunging at Zunk with both arms extended. His small to medium-sized shove and a “screw you” came across as borderline effeminate but only served to embolden Zunk who gave him the Heisman and a “don’t make me hurt you.”

These two really hadn’t been at it like this since their third year softball tournament when they disagreed over whether the rules allowed for a foul ball strikeout. Just like that time, however, their shoving match was broken up by Zunk’s embarrassed girlfriend, Mindy. Friends are hoping that the two will eventually refocus on their mutual fear of being laid off or getting their salaries cut in half or that the next time someone will at least throw a punch.