Local Attorney Falls in Love with Own Voice

Yesterday, during his closing argument on a price-fixing case, local attorney, Sandy Clamp, was caught completely off-guard when he fell head over heels with the sound of the words coming out of his mouth. According to reports, the fifty-five year old Clamp was methodically summarizing the key testimony offered by his client when he became inappropriately misty-eyed. He then turned to the jury and softly asked, “Don’t you just love the way that sounds?” before requesting a five-minute recess to compose himself.

“It really snuck up on me,” explained a shaken Clamp in the hallway outside of the courtroom. “At my age, I’m constantly searching for a new passion. When I was talking in there it just hit me, all of this time the passion of my life has been residing right there … in my vocal cords.” Clamp stopped for a moment to ponder what this all meant before pulling out a dictation device and running through a string of tongue-twisters all while sporting a grin from ear to ear.

According to his colleagues, Clamp has been in denial that he’s been in love with his voice for years. “While most people shut their doors when they’re on a conference call, Sandy is notorious for leaving his door open so that his voice can bounce off the halls and all who are lucky can hear his long-winded answers to even the most straightforward questions,” explained Jackie Zechman, Clamp’s next door neighbor at plaintiffs’ firm Clamp, Stump & Foster LLP. “It could be worse though, he does have an oddly melodic voice. I mean, geez, there’s a reason we always have him read ‘Twas the Night Before The Class Action’ at our annual Holiday party.”

Members of Clamp’s family agree that the litigator loves to hear the sound of his own voice. “Usually, our conversations consist of Dad asking me a question and then him answering that question for a good 5-10 minutes before getting a phone call and starting another conversation,” explained Trevor, Sandy Clamp’s often overlooked fifteen year-old son. Clamp’s wife, Valerie, was not upset about her husband’s other love. “Do you know how many fines and tickets that voice has gotten us out of? One time, he actually talked to our cable company so long the representative fell asleep. When he woke up, Sandy threatened to report him to a supervisor. Needless to say, we’ve had free cable for years!”