Litination is willing to take Judicial Notice of the fact that praciticing law can be stressful. That's why lots of practicing lawyers advise others to choose a different career path. Thanks to the article below, this conversation should get much easier.
Prospective lawyer: "I think I'm going to apply to law school, I just love the idea of being a lawyer."
Practicing lawyer: "Listen kid, this is not something you want to pursue. If you do, you'll be saddled with a constant feeling of impending doom equivalent to that dream you've probably had about wearing your underwear to class or forgetting to study for a test. In time, this will cause all of your emotions to die...just die."
Prospective lawyer: "Um, ok. Point taken. I think I'll go with Plan B and enlist in the military."
"Law Practice Can Trigger Stress Disorder, says Attorney Who Now Works as Therapist"
If you've missed a filing deadline, forgotten a client meeting, or double-booked a deposition, you know that a good excuse can be crucial. Lawyers aren't known for their creativity, but Litination can't imagine a lawyer trying "I had an early morning gig as a clown." On the other hand, "I had to go to the hospital because I drank antifreeze" seems much more plausible. 
To: Gretchen Rossi
Date: March 17, 2010 From: Litination
Message: Miss Rossi, Litination called early today regarding a breaking news story on RadarOnline. Litination was wondering why, after putting so much time and effort into avoiding service of legal papers from your ex-husband, you decided to attend a very public fashion show. Litination believes this was scripted by the producers of the Real Housewives of Orange County but is willing to accept a response that you are just kind of dumb. Litination also wanted to make sure you were aware that you missed a button on the shirt you're wearing on your website.
Angela Markson usually ends up regretting her weekly trip to Taco Bell with her husband Jeffrey. This past Thursday, however, Markson wept openly as Kentucky District Court Judge Wilbur Arkinson ruled the usual consequences of "burrito night" were sufficient to create the probable cause necessary for police to search their parked vehicle and obtain the evidence that was being used to charge the Marksons with theft.
“Team TP” is in many respects a small law firm. Baker Botts has three senior partners, two junior partners, six associates, and two paralegals working on the Tycoon Products defense. Since Baker Botts adheres to the “substantive work goes to the highest biller” model, Wilmore’s tasks have consisted almost entirely of document review and memos summarizing deposition transcripts. Not surprisingly, Wilmore has never interacted with anyone at Tycoon. One time, a partner on the case emailed that Tycoon’s General Counsel was coming to the firm, but somehow there wasn’t enough time in the day to bring him by Wilmore’s interior office for a meeting. Today, Wilmore will probably not even get introduced on the call, but he will hear something first-hand for the first time. According to one of Wilmore’s colleagues, “he’s got a little bit more of a bounce in his step today. I mean it’s not every day that an associate get this close to the client. It shows the partners have confidence that he won’t blow the situation by….well, hmm, how could he blow that situation? Maybe they just don’t want too many people to realize how it’s not that hard to talk to clients?” When we reached Wilmore minutes before the call, he seemed ready to go. “I have several pens and a notepad ready so that I can take some seriously detailed notes today,” he explained energetically. “I’ll probably have to cancel my dinner plans tonight too because I want to turn around the interview summary memo fast.” When we questioned Wilmore on whether he anticipates actually speaking on the call, he just looked back blankly – “You do realize I work at Baker Botts, right?” And then he hung up. Guess his phone skills do need some work.
For the first time since he joined Baker Botts two years ago, associate Paul Wilmore has a pretty important meeting on his Outlook calendar. This afternoon, sixth-year associate Jason Moon has asked Wilmore to second-chair a conference call with an employee at firm client Tycoon Products. Baker Botts has been defending products liability lawsuits against Tycoon related to its weight loss pill “Metabozilla” since early 2007 and Wilmore has been part of “Team TP” since he billed his first minute at the firm.
It's probably not long before the legal profession itself will be open to the animal kingdom. Which reminds us, have you heard about the fish who tried to file a lawsuit? His case was dismissed because standing was an issue. How about the one about the bird who became a judge? After just a couple of minutes on the bench, he started to go cuckoo. Ouch, that one kind of hurts.
Is the legal profession going to the dogs? Maybe in Switzerland. According to the Associated Press, on March 7, 2010, voters in the neutral country will decide whether every canton (state) should be required to appoint an animal lawyer to represent the interests of pets and farm animals in court. This begs the question, will lawyers be taking these cases pro bone-o?
The public spat between Associate Justice Samuel Alito and President Barack Obama that took place during Mr. Obama’s State of the Union address has received enough coverage and analysis to make Wolf Blitzer’s whiskers start to twitch. The seemingly never-ending buzz, however, is understandable. Even though Supreme Court Justices receive extensive training on how to sit completely emotionless at such speeches, Alito couldn’t help himself from having an inaudible Joe Wilson moment. What’s next? Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg raising the roof when she agrees with an applause line? A public battle between the Executive and Judicial branches? Well, maybe.
Just yesterday, Alito took the growing rift with Obama over the Supreme Court’s decision in Citizens United v. FEC to the next level. In a move that some commentators are calling “childish,” Justice Alito has removed President Obama from his list of friends on the internet social networking site Facebook. According to Ashton Kutcher’s twitterfeed, the judicial diss occurred at some point during the early afternoon while Alito was supposedly hearing oral argument at the Supreme Court. This begs the question, are jurors not the only ones inappropriately feeding their internet fix when court is in session?
“Look, this is completely off the record, but I talked to him about the State of the Union and I’ve talked to him about surfing the web during oral arguments,” said Chief Justice John Roberts [sorry about that record, Chief]. “He’s just a guy that marches to the beat of his own drum. I told him that no matter what Obama says about the Citizens United decision, he was absolutely not to break our signature ‘watching paint dry’ expression. Apparently, that fell on deaf ears.”
Analysts say Alito’s move to drop Obama as a friend should not be taken lightly. Of all of the Supreme Court Justices with Facebook pages, Alito has the fewest number of friends. In fact, Associate Justice Sandra Sotomayor, has more than thirty times as many friends as Alito even though they both went to Princeton and Yale. Is that Alito’s discretion at work or an indication of his lack of social skills? White House Press Secretary Roberts Gibbs thinks it’s the latter. At today’s press conference he had this to say about the Alito snub – “let’s just say the President was being diplomatic when he decided to accept the friend request in the first place.” Oh snap!
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When Paul Hastings partner Jeffrey Schmidt flipped through his calendar this past Monday he was utterly mystified at what he saw. Friday, the day he was planning to leave early to “drum up business” at the local racquet club, was completely blocked off for a jury trial in the United States District Court for the District of Columbia. “It couldn’t be,” Schmidt thought to himself. “That case for Wilkinson Oil has to have settled.” Then it hit him, in the midst of consistently ignoring phone calls and emails, he had totally forgotten to settle the case. As a result, Schmidt was potentially encountering something he hadn’t seen in more than a dozen years of BigLaw practice – a case that actually needs to be tried in front of a judge or jury.
Frantically, Schmidt scanned his brain for the name of the associate who handles the Wilkinson Oil case. After some trial and error, he reached Elizabeth Cummings, a fifth year that he only remembered as someone who sent way too many emails. Cummings was ecstatic at hearing from Schmidt. “Jeff, thank God you called – where have you been? I have been trying to reach you since the court denied our summary judgment motion three months ago! I’ve been flying this ship without a proper license and I need your help.” Schmidt apologized for being “out of pocket” and agreed to meet Cummings in a conference room on the 22nd floor to get up to speed.
Two hours later, Schmidt finally made his way to the conference room where encountered a bleary Cummings surrounded by stacks of boxes, notepads and take-out containers. “What in the world have you been doing in here?” Schmidt asked with incredulity. “Isn’t this just a breach of contract case?” Cummings, resisting the urge to dive at Schmidt and stuff every piece of paper in the room down his throat, calmly replied, “Well Jeff, per my daily emails and voicemails I have been finalizing our exhibit and witness lists, preparing deposition designations and filing motions in limine by last Friday’s deadline!”
As Cummings spoke, Schmidt got immediately distracted by how much she looked like his niece from Colorado before getting completely overwhelmed by a pounding headache. “Cummings!” Schmidt interjected. “Please stop. My brain can’t take all of this at once. I’m going to talk to the client about resolving this thing so you can stand down.” Cummings again quickly counted to 10 before asking if Schmidt got the “settlement is not an option” email from the client last week.
Schmidt feigned anger, muttered “of course I did” and stormed out of the room to return to his office. Alone in his office a moment later, his heart racing, Schmidt tried to calm his emotions before turning to his computer, pulling up Google and typing in “books on how to try a breach of contract case.” Good luck Wilkinson Oil, good luck.
We've broken some stories that seem all too real, like law firm libraries becoming museums (click
Since the last billable hours of 2009 are upon us, we thought it would make sense to put a small retrospective together on what an amazing year it has been for Litination. A lawyer's need for self-promotion has provided us with almost limitless content. From associates that are hard to take seriously (click here for Associate Photo Captions), to partners that clearly lost a twin along the way (click here for Partner Doppelgangers) we've had some fun with what happens when a lawyer and a camera get together.
Fortunately, for the sake of my ego, these efforts have not gone unnoticed. Litination saw its stories appear on Above the Law, Solicitr.com, and in the Timesheets at The Billable Hour. Most recently, we were honored to be recognized by the ABA Journal as one of the top 100 legal blogs (click here).
I'm not entirely sure about what 2010 will hold Litination as I'm a practicing lawyer and the law has been getting increasingly jealous about all of the time and energy I have devoted to this site. Whatever happens, I want to thank each and everyone of you who visited this site regularly to have a good laugh, sent an encouraging note or forwarded a Litination story along to a friend. When you sit down in 2010 for yet another working lunch, don't forget to remind yourself that life's much more fun if you don't take yourself too seriously.
Happy New Year!
-C.J.
Read More......“It really snuck up on me,” explained a shaken Clamp in the hallway outside of the courtroom. “At my age, I’m constantly searching for a new passion. When I was talking in there it just hit me, all of this time the passion of my life has been residing right there … in my vocal cords.” Clamp stopped for a moment to ponder what this all meant before pulling out a dictation device and running through a string of tongue-twisters all while sporting a grin from ear to ear. According to his colleagues, Clamp has been in denial that he’s been in love with his voice for years. “While most people shut their doors when they’re on a conference call, Sandy is notorious for leaving his door open so that his voice can bounce off the halls and all who are lucky can hear his long-winded answers to even the most straightforward questions,” explained Jackie Zechman, Clamp’s next door neighbor at plaintiffs’ firm Clamp, Stump & Foster LLP. “It could be worse though, he does have an oddly melodic voice. I mean, geez, there’s a reason we always have him read ‘Twas the Night Before The Class Action’ at our annual Holiday party.” Members of Clamp’s family agree that the litigator loves to hear the sound of his own voice. “Usually, our conversations consist of Dad asking me a question and then him answering that question for a good 5-10 minutes before getting a phone call and starting another conversation,” explained Trevor, Sandy Clamp’s often overlooked fifteen year-old son. Clamp’s wife, Valerie, was not upset about her husband’s other love. “Do you know how many fines and tickets that voice has gotten us out of? One time, he actually talked to our cable company so long the representative fell asleep. When he woke up, Sandy threatened to report him to a supervisor. Needless to say, we’ve had free cable for years!”
Yesterday, during his closing argument on a price-fixing case, local attorney, Sandy Clamp, was caught completely off-guard when he fell head over heels with the sound of the words coming out of his mouth. According to reports, the fifty-five year old Clamp was methodically summarizing the key testimony offered by his client when he became inappropriately misty-eyed. He then turned to the jury and softly asked, “Don’t you just love the way that sounds?” before requesting a five-minute recess to compose himself.
According to a recent study, the reason that the general public doesn't have a favorable impression of the legal profession may be because lawyers keep running into people with their cars. Lawyers came in second on a list of car crash rates by occupation ahead of social workers, manual laborers, and real estate agents. Yep, lawyers are worse drivers than people who spend their day looking at houses instead of the road.
Thankfully, doctors take the cake as the worst drivers, but that's not really a surprise because any good plaintiff's lawyer knows that doctors don't have reliable hand-eye coordination. Some pundits believe lawyers are second on this list because of long workdays, but one has to think that several of these fender benders were Blackberry-induced, right? Either way, I guess this calls into question the concept that most lawyers are risk-averse. Buckle up!
Someone famous probably once said that being a successful lawyer is 90 percent about experience. So, it almost goes without saying that if you spend more than a passing moment with a "practicing attorney" you're almost certain to hear a good war story. You see, saying that lawyers like to talk about their past trial and tribulations is like saying that Oprah likes to eat. To be fair, part of it has to do with an attorney's constant need to affirm to clients that they're the right man or woman for the job.
Client (frantically): "I just received a call from the Jones Company and they're suing us for breach of contract, we need some help."
Attorney (nonchalantly): "The Jones Company? Don't they manufacture nail clippers? Let me tell you about a case I once handled for a client that specializes in hair clippers ..." (30 minutes later, client (worn down by exhaustion) agrees to let attorney represent him in case).
It's also an invaluable skill that an attorney can use to intimidate opposing counsel.
Opposing counsel (smugly): "Look, I'll give you 24 hours to accept my settlement offer or I'm filing a motion for summary judgment with Judge Hopstitch."
Attorney (chuckling): "Hopstitch likes summary judgment motions about as much as you like telling the truth. Look, I once had a case with Hopstitch where ..." (2 hours later the parties agree to settle the case for half of the original settlement offer)
The problem with attorneys' love of the war story is that it's really only acceptable conversation among other lawyers. Nothing takes the air out of a family gathering faster than a story from Uncle Eli about that motion in limine he once filed in one of his insurance recovery cases. So, a word to the wise, if you see another lawyer in casual conversation going down the war story path, try to steer the focus more appropriately back to the day's weather or at the very least make sure you're sitting in a comfortable chair.
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According to celebrity gossip website TMZ.com, Tiger Woods' attorney Mark NeJame has been seeing other clients behind the golf star's back. Colleagues and friends have reported to TMZ that despite promising Tiger that he would devote "his all" to the case and saying that the prospect of handling the Woods' marital problems "had him at hello," NeJame has been texting, emailing and calling clients periodically throughout the past week. At least five other clients of NeJame have come forward with claims that he is representing them in ongoing disputes and the ABA Journal has already placed a link to a voicemail from one of these individuals on its website.
Some suspect NeJame's behavior is due to the fact that Woods compensates all of his attorneys based on flat fee arrangements. "There's no question, an attorney on a flat fee is going to see other clients," explained Popsquire.com's Russell Wetanson. "Flat fee arrangements are typically all about infatuation - 'I want you, I need you to be a constant in my life' - but the billable hour - 'I need you only for a certain amount of time and to be really focused when I'm with you' - is where relationships for the long run are really fostered. There's even a saying among attorneys that it takes a client paying by the billable hour less than one tenth of an hour to snag an attorney away from a flat fee client."
The story is taking the legal community and the country by storm. CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer recently reported that the news agency is receiving a massive influx of iReports in response to the question "Should you treat your lawyer like your lover?" and Larry King just announced that he will have former O.J. Simpson prosecutor Marcia Clark on his show for the 122nd time in order to address this breaking news. Others are hoping that Jermaine Jackson - who boldly proclaimed that Tiger had done nothing wrong after he had already admitted his affairs - will be commenting on this development.
There is also general concern that Tiger Woods' wife, Elin Nordegren, may catch wind of Mr. NeJame's other clients and take matters into her own hands. That's why Litination promises to stay on top of this developing story 24/7.
"In college, I was a baritone in a co-ed a cappella group called the Tuftonics. Naturally, on a typical day you'll hear me humming a few notes around the halls. Take it from me though, the best acoustics in the office are in the bathroom stalls."
Ok, maybe the title to this post is a little misleading. But, the ABA Journal has named Litination as one of the top 100 blawgs on the internet and frankly, after that what's left except for world domination? Ok, there is one intermediate step. I need you, the more than 100,000 people who have visited Litination in the past year, to help make this site the winner of the "Lighter Fare" category. How? It's as simple as stop, drop and roll. Ok, more like click, register and vote. You need to click the link below, register with the ABA Journal and vote. Go team!
Thank you for participating in this fake internet holiday that gives you an unnecessary incentive to blow off doing any actual work the Monday after the Thanksgiving holiday. We hope the discounts you received will help you deal with the inevitable rash of spam emails that are heading to your inbox; and we apologize in advance for the sheer number of messages about erectile dysfunction that you will be deleting in the days and weeks ahead.
One piece of advice, before you email your social security number to your "bank" or click on a Facebook friend request from someone you've never heard of, don't forget that you handed over your email address to the good folks at grandmascouponcupboard.com and savememoneyhoney.com. Failure to remember this Cyber Monday behavior is likely to result in your future participation in Identity Theft Thursday.
Everyone in the Lipski family always said that Tyler Lipski was going to be a lawyer. As a teenager, he loved to spend dinners cross-examining family members on even the most mundane topics. Despite his socially awkward behavior, the Lipskis were genuinely proud when their son decided to apply to law school, and when he was accepted to Emory, it made the family Christmas card. These expectations, coupled with Lipski’s almost ever-present air of self-importance, led to what was perhaps one of the worst trips home for Thanksgiving during the first year of law school in recent history.
Upon arriving home, Lipski immediately launched into a dissertation about how he wanted to draft up some new contracts for his parents’ housekeeper and landscaper. “Look, these people need to put something binding on the table or they’re going to keep churning out the same mediocre product week in and week out,” exclaimed a confident Lipski as he thumbed through Williston on Contracts. When his Mom asked him what exactly he didn’t like about the way the house looked, he his rolled eyes and said, “Stop thinking like a layperson Mom and start thinking about the consideration that is going into the agreements you enter, ok?”
During and after Thanksgiving dinner, Lipski was approached by numerous relatives seeking advice. Uncle Ralph was anxious to hear if he could somehow cancel his Verizon wireless contract without paying the early termination fee, Aunt Julie was insistent on knowing if it was unconstitutional for men and women to have to use separate bathrooms, and cousin Trevor discretely pressed him on how he could successfully argue that he only smoked marijuana medicinally if he was caught getting high while working at the local library. Time after time, Lipski offered advice that was unsupported by any legal principle and generally terrible.
Equally disappointing was Lipski’s introduction of a new catch phrase. No matter the conversation, when the moment felt right, Lipski would jump in and exclaim, “I’ll be judge of that!” before issuing an often inflammatory opinion. He also subjected anyone he could corner to a demonstration of the Socratic Method. According to Lipski’s high school classmate, Jeffrey Peters, this cost Lipski an opportunity to hook up with former Prom Queen Marla Durst the day after Thanksgiving. “I flat out heard her ask him if he’d like to go back to her place and he responded with a string of questions that obviously turned her off,” explained Peters. “When I busted him for his lack of game, he said something ridiculous about the law being a jealous mistress. Sounds like a guy who has a little too much fun with his horn books.”
If Haynes and Boone, LLP partner Sergie Lomako
had a doppelganger it would be...
Jack Wilkins, a third-year litigation associate in Baker Botts, LLP’s Washington, D.C. office likes to say his Blackberry had him at hello. Pretty much whenever he has a free minute, or if there’s a pause in conversation, Wilkins is heads down, thumb scrolling on his handheld. This addiction has lead to some socially unacceptable behavior. For example, he’s seen his average time in the bathroom almost double as a result of his complete obsession with several of the free games that he’s downloaded. His Blackberry time has also become difficult to manage at work.
In meetings, Wilkins, like many of his colleagues, is constantly checking his Blackberry when the spotlight is focused elsewhere. Due to the fact that he almost always has a non-speaking role at meetings, he has even become accustomed to launching an all-consuming game of Brick Breaker – a classic video game that challenges you to clear stages by using a paddle to destroy bricks one by one – to pass the time. Sometimes this can cause him to miss almost everything that is covered.
Recently, Brick Breaker became a deal breaker for Wilkins. At a team meeting on pre-trial strategy, Wilkins reached his highest level on Brick Breaker to date just as the lead partner, on the case, Calvin Cambridge, was laying out a key weakness. Unable to contain his emotions, Wilkins audibly let out a “Yes!” right as Cambridge stated that there’s a chance that the client’s lead corporate witness could have his credibility seriously damaged on cross-examination.
As everyone in the conference room turned to in shock, Cambridge asked Wilkins what could possibly be positive about such a situation. Crushed by the fact that his outburst had cost him an even higher Brick Breaker score, Wilkins responded with “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” and then quickly excused himself to use the restroom to avoid the deafening silence that followed. The repercussions for Wilkins have been immediate. He has been dropped from his rightful place as the third person copied on case-related emails. Some of Wilkins’ colleagues think that his position as head of the document review team is also in jeopardy. Sounds like someone is in need of treatment for his crackberry addiction.
