Partner Doppelganger

If Keating, Muething & Klekamp partner Patrick Fisher
had a doppelganger it would be...

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Associate Photo Caption

"Before becoming a lawyer, I spent a year living with a pride of lions."

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Tennessee Bar Association Takes on Esquire Magazine

Concerned that the unauthorized practice of law is beginning to “get out of hand”, the Tennessee Bar Association (TBA) recently announced that is has started a campaign to ban the sale of Esquire magazine throughout the state. While recent studies show that Esquire is read by less than .5% of Tennessee’s population, TBA President Haley Crutchinson deemed the move “vital to preserving the unique and proud role that the esquire designation holds in Tennessee society.”

In a press release distributed last week, Mr. Crutchinson pointed out that since colonial times, the title Esquire has been used to designate one trained to practice law. “To allow Esquire magazine to profit from the centuries of hard work that lawyers have had to put in to protect this designation is downright criminal,” hollered an irate Crutchinson during a speech at a TBA banquet in Nashville last month. “Further, I am worried that the average Tennessean will be misled by the advice that’s in the magazine. Nothing could be worse than what Esquire has been doing to undermine the special relationship that has always existed between attorney and client.”

Esquire public relations director Stuart Molkin has indicated that the company is trying to work with Mr. Crutchinson and the TBA to resolve this issue. “We are always committed to resolving any issues related to our magazine,” explained Mr. Molkin, “but to be honest, we are kind of frustrated with the situation because we really have no idea what Mr. Crutchinson is talking about. The feature story in our last issue was on Hollywood’s best dressed men. Construing that as legal advice is like mistaking a Hillary Clinton campaign flier for the Sport Illustrated swimsuit issue.”

When asked to point to specific instances when the magazine crossed the line, Mr. Crutchinson quickly points to a piece in the March 2007 issue of Esquire titled, “Divorcing with Grace: The Key to Sleeping with Your Secretary and Still Staying Friends with Your Ex-Wife.” “That article basically coached the reader through the difficult legal terrain that comes up when you’re going through a divorce,” explained the twice divorced Crutchinson. “It even suggested ways that men could make sure that ‘the kid’ would end up with Mom so as not to cramp the new bachelor’s style. Not only is this terrible advice, but it will only make our jobs as lawyers more difficult.”

Unfortunately for both sides, this incident has garnered national attention…and embarrassment. During his monologue last night, comedian Jay Leno said, “Don’t you think Tennessee lawyers should worry a little less about the unauthorized practice of law and a little more about the fact that there basically aren’t any laws in Tennessee?” Not to be outdone, Dave Letterman took a swipe at Esquire, claiming the only thing it should be concerned about being banned for is the “incompetent practice of journalism.”

Reached for comment on this issue at his Beverly Hills home last week, Esquire poster-child George Clooney simply stated that “none of this ever would have happened had somebody picked up the phone and called Michael Clayton.” Clooney then informed Litination that he was smiling seductively before asking if Esquire was still planning to name him the sexiest man alive for the eighth time in ten years.

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Partner Doppleganger

If K&L Gates partner Holly K. Towle had a doppleganger it would be...

"Ch-ch-ch-chia!"

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Highlighting Method Dries Up

Tulane first year law student Desirae Peters started preparing for 1L year immediately following her college graduation in May 2008 when she proudly purchased her very first hornbook, “Law School Confidential”. Once she read about the famous five color highlighting scheme for briefing cases, she couldn’t wait to get started on that first case in August. For those not privy to the deep secrets shared in this book, the “suggested” method involves highlighting in green for facts, yellow for the holding and procedural posture, orange for legal reasoning, purple for dissent and blue for court, judge, date and precedent cited.

According to several eye witnesses, the method flat out saved Ms. Peters from an unexpected line of questioning on the dissent’s rationale in week two of Contracts from the legendary Professor Smith. Then halfway through the semester, she flat out rocked her Torts midterm, receiving a surprise A- that she attributes entirely to her ability to specifically recall the yellow text in her casebook – the holding – photographically during the exam. Somewhere after that, however, the motto of “highlight sparingly” started to fade from her memory and the whole system got out of control.

Always looking to over-achieve and appear more organized to her section mates, Desirae’s started adding colors; first, it was light blue for dicta, and then it was red for topics she thought the professor would reference in the final. Before she knew it, her case textbooks began to resemble a child’s coloring book. By November, without even thinking through the consequences, she added black for passages addressed during class and brown for the topics the professor did end up addressing during class.

Unfortunately, finals have not been kind to Ms. ROYGBIV. Her idea to print out and highlight her class notes using this same nine color scheme proved costly as highlighter fading caused her to mistake the original blue precedent for light blue dicta during her Civ. Pro exam. Yikes. Then during her Torts final she ended up running out of time on the last essay because she spent too much time highlighting the questions. When she left her Criminal Law exam covered in tears and marker stains, other Tulane students began to wonder if maybe Ms. Peters spent too much time sniffing her highlighters this semester.

After this experience, Ms. Peters decided to sell her copy of “Law School Confidential” back to Tulane’s bookstore. Unfortunately they wouldn’t accept it – too many highlighted pages.

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Small Shop Web Flop

According to this website, the first step in a successful criminal defense is making sure to picture the judge as having a lightbulb for a head.

R. Brent Hankins, PC

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Associate Photo Caption

"Yeah, I know, I should have shaved and worn a tie. Cut me some slack tough guy."

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Small Shop Web Flop

Can you really call yourself "Breakstone & Associates" when your firm is Breakstone and one other associate? Maybe they were counting the enormous gavel on the home page?

Breakstone & Associates

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Pride In My Stride

I am a person on the move. You know who I am. I am the quick breeze that passes you by on your leisurely walk back from getting a cup of coffee. I'm the loud burst out of the office just a couple of minutes late to a meeting or seconds from an important filing deadline. Yeah, I’m the Tasmanian Devil on espresso. I'm a lawyer who takes pride in my stride.

See, when I need to go somewhere I want people to know that I mean business. And by business I mean the business of being busy. I don't have time to take a break from my robust legal career to go calmly from place to place. I need to be where I'm needed and I need to be there fast. Sometimes I might be darting to the copier or running to the mailroom to get something out via FedEx. Sometimes I'll just hold off on going to the bathroom so I need to take an emergency dash. But you'll never know whether I just received a call from Mother Nature or the Practice Group Leader. Why won't you know? Because I'm walking so fast you don't have time to ask me any questions.

Sometimes I'll even bark something loudly to my secretary so that I can fluff my feathers for those within earshot. "Hey Janet, I'm off to a meeting, I'll be back in an hour or two so send my calls to voicemail, k?!? Sure, Janet always ignores my calls and they go to voicemail anyway, but that's neither here nor there. I'm not doing it for her, I'm doing it for the show - my show.

Sometimes maybe I'll even get a text message as I'm burning the carpet on my way to the bathroom. You want to see poetry in motion? Watch me respond to an email from my Mom and get a text pic from my girlfriend while I’m on my way to be fashionably late to a meeting with my document review team.

Oh no. Would you look at that?! It's seven and I've got some big-time plans tonight. Ok, not really, but I'm spent. It's high time I hightailed it out of with a couple of long sighs as I'm passing by the partners' offices. Maybe I’ll even drop a grunt of frustration on my fly-by of my fourth year associate crush. That way she’ll hopefully look up to see that I'm carting my laptop and a couple of old files out the door so that I can burn the midnight oil with a carton of Chinese food like Tom Cruise in the Firm.

Do I need my computer to redact the files I’m taking with me for privilege? No, but who knows when a research assignment could hit. With the speed I'm moving, you just never know.

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Google Added as Permanent 13th Juror

Realizing that the internet age has changed the reality of jury deliberations, the San Francisco Superior Court declared yesterday that it intends to add Google as a permanent 13th juror in all future trials. Chief Justice Steven Creet announced the decision via a text message during this year’s Juror Appreciation Day ceremony. “Jurors, from this point forward, we agree to play by your rules. Thx 4 ur service.”

“Let me tell you about the straw that broke the camel’s back,” Creet explained when reached via telephone. “The other month, a defense attorney told me that he got feedback on his opening statement from a friend who read about it on one of the juror’s Facebook pages. Apparently, it was an excruciating experience for the juror and she wanted to let her friends and family feel her pain. After that incident, we decided we needed to meet our jurors half way or the process might lose credibility.”

As a result of this change, the Superior Court’s standard jury charge has undergone some revision. The following section:

“Jurors must not conduct any investigation of the case before them. As a juror you must not become an amateur detective. For instance, you must not visit the scene of an accident, an alleged crime, or any event or transaction involved in the case. Neither should you conduct experiments or consult any other person or reference works for additional information.”

Now is to be stated as follows:

“Jurors, we might as well just be honest with each other from the get go. Even if I tell you not to consult outside sources during the course of this trial, the minute we call it a day you’re going to be all over the internet channeling your inner Sherlock Holmes. So, during each and every break make sure you take time to gather around the computer in the jury deliberation room and Google anything you want. Just make sure you elect a foreperson who can type.”

Jurors have had mixed reactions to the news. “I just hope our foreperson lets me do some internet shopping if there’s nothing to Google,” said a smiling juror number 4. In contrast, juror number 7 was heard grumbling for a pay raise if the job now involved research.

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Partner Doppelganger

If Kirkland & Ellis partner Joel Blanchet had a doppelganger it would be...



America's most medicated talk radio personality, Rush Limbaugh. Lucky guy.

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Local Lawyer Oblivious to Unduly Burdensome and Overly Broad

It is well known around Wheeling, West Virginia that defense attorney Martin Glasscart will fight each and every one of his cases to the bitter end. Consistent with this practice, Mr. Glasscart’s favorite defense tactic is to slow down an inevitable loss through discovery and the more confusing he makes his interrogatories or his discovery responses the better.

In one particularly confounding request, Glasscart asked for all documents, things, objects, clothing, thoughts, notes, words, furniture, or televisions shows that would either prove or disprove or could have the propensity to prove something that could or could not potentially, if all the right factors were in place, depending on the angle or perspective of the documents, things, objects, clothing, thoughts, notes, words, furniture or television shows referenced, as defined in the definitions section of defendant’s first set of interrogatories, caused or could have caused plaintiff to have understood, or thought to have understood without reference to knowledge or intuition but strictly relating to common sense, or the sub-senses contained therein, to contribute to the injuries alleged or implied in the words, deeds, actions, or other elements associated with the present complaint.

Glasscart also typically drafts interrogatories by suspending Word’s automatic paragraph numbering function in order to intersperse misplaced paragraphs and utilize an indecipherable method for labeling sub-, subsub-, and subsubsubparagraphs. This allows him to intersperse a second Interrogatory 7 after Interrogatory 12(A)(b)(i)(2).

Glasscart’s answers to discovery are no better. His most often-used phrases in response to interrogatories are “finders keepers, losers weepers,” “let’s not make a mountain out of a molehill” and “wouldn’t you like to know.” An informal survey of Mr. Glasscart’s adversaries did uncover that he normally buckles once a motion to compel is threatened, but that will often only come after weeks and months of letter writing and meet and confers have taken place.

“The way I see it,” responded a triumphant Glasscart in response to an inquiry from Litination, “the extra cost that my opponent pumps into dealing with discovery puts my clients one step closer to a reasonable settlement….or in other words, don’t hate the player, hate the game.”

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Firm Hopes New Mascot Will Lure Clients

Cadwalader, Wickersham & Taft LLP has been through a lot this past year. The implosion of the mortgage-backed securities market has cost the firm millions and unflattering stories relating to the mass layoffs at its New York headquarters have been popping up all over the internet. Hoping to stem this tidal wave of bad news, the firm today unveiled its new mascot, a giant, walking salamander dressed as a golf caddy.

“Sal the Caddy” now appears prominently on the firm’s website and will be the focal point of a new print and television campaign designed to lure new business to the firm and reassure existing clients. A seemingly shell-shocked firm chairman, Phil Replin, read a prepared statement in announcing the new mascot.

“Sal will help Cadwalader remind the world that we are still a world leader in helping clients navigate life’s most challenging courses. No matter where you lie, Cadawalder can help you choose the right clubs to land on the green,” explained Replin before muttering “Lord help us” and storming out of the room past a smiling Sal.

Sal the Caddy is the result of a new branding strategy being implemented for Cadwalader by a New York advertising agency called Light My Brand On Fire. A spokesperson for Light My Brand stated that Sal was designed to meld the good feelings people have towards lizard-like mascots with the snake-like qualities people usually associate with lawyers.

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Small Talk Temporarily Masks True Feelings

“Hey Jeff, how ya doing this morning,” beamed products liability defense attorney Marilyn Crestick as she strode into the conference room at Leak, Pulte, Crisp & Eckel LLP for a second day of depositions.

“Absolutely terrific, can you believe the weather this morning,” replied plaintiffs’ lawyer extraordinaire Malcom Walters.

“Did you get those rascally little ones of yours to bed at a good time last night?” Crestick inquired as she unloaded a veritable truckload of exhibits onto the table.

The conversation about weather and kids proceeded from there and additional lawyers joined in the mind-numbing banter as they piled in for the deposition of Evan Fiesley, the named plaintiff in the class action currently progressing in Texas federal court. To the outside observer, it would have been hard to detect the genuine disdain the attorneys held for each other.

Just last night, for example, Crestick had described Walters as more annoying than a root canal when replaying the highlights of the deposition to her fellow partner Carter Benton. Similarly, Walters routinely referred to Crestick as Governor Palin around the office. Once, he even told a co-worker that he wouldn’t let Crestick change his diaper; a remark that sent off a whirlwind of rumors that the fifty-five year old Walters wore adult diapers.

As the deposition resumed, it didn’t take long for the parties true feelings to bubble to the surface. Not five minutes had passed before Walters objected to the form of one of Crestick’s questions.

“What’s the problem with that one, Malcolm?” snapped Marilyn.

“Well, for one thing, it’s the worst question I’ve heard since yesterday afternoon. Second, you’re asking the client for expert testimony which is clearly objectionable.”

“Malcom, I don’t know if you got your law degree online, but asking Mr. Fiesley if he has any indigestion when he eats three bowls of chili and has a milkshake is clearly not confusing and it certainly won’t be covered by your so-called expert in this case.”

“You’re worse than my kids,” mumbled Walters and then the two were off on a back and forth that sounded more like a unsuccessful marriage counseling session than an argument among litigators.

Only a requested break by the appalled Fiesley saved the day. He had quickly grown tired of listening to these two go at it. “Stop it you two,” interjected the previously bashful Fiesley. “Seriously, I didn’t sign up for this when I called Malcolm’s 800 number. I barely have a claim here so the last thing I want to do is be a witness to WWF lawyer-style. Let’s keep this thing moving right along so I can milk a settlement or cut bait.”

Realizing they were still on the record, Walters immediately interjected that his client was flustered and saying things without thinking. He then quickly escorted Fiesely out of the room as Crestick howled that his whole career was built using smoke and mirrors.

The remaining attorneys in the room sat in a bit of stunned silence before counsel for another co-defendant noted that he’d heard that rain was in the forecast later that day. With that, the mind-numbing banter returned as if nothing had happened.

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Associate Photo Caption

"Hello my precious, can I interest you in a domestic or offshore private investment fund?"

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Small Shop Web Flop

Is a thank you note for a "patriotic frozen delight" really a testimonial?

Scheib Law Offices

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Wayne State University Switches to Pass/Pass System

While the debate as to whether tier one law schools should adopt Yale’s pass/fail grading system has been going on for years, few would have predicted today’s move by Detroit, Michigan based Wayne State University Law School. Inspired to act by a student campaign called “It Just Doesn’t Matter,” administrators this afternoon announced that the Law School had changed its grading to a pass/pass system. The announcement was made on the front steps of the school with a large banner hanging above that proclaimed “Professors to students: Let’s let bygones be bygones.”

“The way I see it, students with a Wayne State law degree will likely have to persevere through many difficult times like passing the bar and getting a job,” explained Dean of Students Michael Batterton. “With this new pass/pass or let bygones be bygones system, we can send everybody off to their next life challenge, or career, knowing that we support them regardless of their legal skills.”

In mentioning difficult times, Dean Batterton was likely referencing the school’s traditional problems with having its graduates pass the bar on the first try. In addition, while most students are employed upon graduation, there is no indication how many of these jobs are law-related or whether students even typically end up in the general vicinity of a courtroom or law firm.

In a press release, the “It Just Doesn’t Matter” campaign heralded the school’s move. “At Wayne State we have finally taken a stand that you won’t be judged on how hard you try while your professor is playing a semester long game of ‘hide the ball’ via the Socratic method. Instead, we’ll let the real world be the judge and jury on your career.”

In related news, U.S. News and World Report is considering a new fifth tier of law school rankings.

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Associate Breaks Code of Silence

In a moment that can only be accurately described as unconscious subordination, Jill Alp, a second-year associate, interjected on a conference call today potentially undermining months of hard work to keep her presence on any calls relating to the case a secret. Whether the situation was a conference call with the client or in-house counsel, partner Jeffrey Platz operated under the principle that Ms. Alp would not exist outside of the room where they were sitting. Through the highly selective use of the phone’s mute button, Platz could glean any knowledge that Alp had on the case and regurgitate it to the others on the call without anybody being the wiser.

Today’s call started out like numerous others before. Platz had dialed the client’s in-house counsel and introduced Susan Card, the other partner on the case, while neglecting to introduce Ms. Alp. To make it easier on himself, he would then proceed to do his best not to look at Ms. Alp until the call was over. Ms. Alp, for her part, had become extremely skilled at channeling her inner court reporter and as soon as she heard the phone number dialed, she put her head down and started taking notes until the call ended.

During today’s call, Alp simply lost her focus. “I don’t know what I was thinking,” stated a clearly frazzled Alp to a fellow associate at the instant coffee station later that day. “The client was asking questions about the state of the law on a topic I researched and when Jeff paused, I started answering. I think because I finished the memo on this exact issue at 2AM last night I wasn’t able to recognize the difference between my inner and outer voice.”

Platz quickly covered Alp’s slip-up by stating that one of his associates on the case had just walked in to drop something off. When the client asked if that was the infamous Jill Alp that he had seen on the bills Platz said yes and then quickly added that she had just slipped out of the office to work on one of her many pro bono matters. Alp, for her part, lost all color in her face and as soon as the opportunity presented itself, muted the phone and apologized profusely.

Platz did not address the issue until the call was completed. He was not angry, but wanted to make sure that Alp understood that this should not happen again. “Look Jennifer [sic], I want you to know that I really value your memos and sometimes I read the long emails you send me, but I just don’t think the junior associate today, even the mid-level associate for that matter, is able to just start talking on the phone,” explained Platz before his cell phone rang and he lost focus. Ms. Card, the other partner in the room, simply shook her head while tapping away on her blackberry.

A couple of days later, in-house counsel called Alp directly. He told her that he’d like to cut out going through Platz for answers to save costs. Vindicated, Alp agreed and then pressed the mute button so that she could holler down the hall for her paralegal to come in and take notes without making a sound.

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Associate Photo Captions

"Here at Century Toyota we think you'd look great behind the wheel of a brand new Camry."

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Small Shop Web Flop

Based on their "About Us" photo, shouldn't this law firm's name really be Bert & Ernie, LLP?

DiOrio & Seren, LLP

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This Week's Sign That There Are Too Many Lawyers

On the website for the Charleston Accident Lawyer the third listed practice area is "dog bites". No, Michael Vick is not listed as a client.

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Law & Order’s Sam Waterston Disbarred

In a move that has been threatened for almost 14 years, the Grievance Committee for The Association of the Bar of the City of New York today voted unanimously to revoke Sam Waterston’s license to act like he’s practicing law. Announced via a press conference on cable channel TNT, the Committee claims that Waterston, acting under the alias of Executive Assistant District Attorney John "Jack" McCoy since 1994, has been repeatedly sanctioned for client complaints of conflicts of interest, delay and neglect. It was a stunning announcement that some had predicted as “inevitable” while others felt like McCoy would be permitted to go on flaunting the ethical rules for many more seasons.


According to investigative documents obtained by Litination reporters, Waterston has been repeatedly sanctioned for putting his own interests ahead of his clients. For example, Leslie Moltoy was allegedly raped and beaten by her ex-husband during a 1996 episode of Law & Order but lost the case when Waterston clearly let his emotions get the best of him during his closing argument. When the jury found for the defense, Ms. Moltoy, actually actress Maryann Beatridge from Cherry Hills, New Jersey, was devastated.

“As soon as we finished taping that day I went online and found out about how to register a formal complaint with the New York City bar,” explained Beatridge. “Sure, my initial complaint was laughed at, but a couple of years later after Sam sold himself and his reputation to a bank things suddenly seemed a whole lot more plausible.”

What Ms. Beatridge is referencing is the highly controversial decision by Waterston/McCoy to take on a role as the spokesperson for TD Waterhouse. The basic idea behind the controversial spots was to present potential investors with a familiar and trustworthy spokesperson. According to industry sources, Waterston took on the role even though intense pressure from the bar association led former Law & Order castmate Steven Hill to drop the same gig.

Waterson has also appeared in a recurring segment on The Colbert Report, called Sam Waterson Says Things You Should Never Believe In A Trustworthy Manner. The segments usually involve Waterson simply stating an obviously untrue film quote in a very convincing voice. According to the report issued by New York's Grievance Committee, these spots would only further confuse future fake Law & Order jurors. Specifically, the report said, even the writers won't be able to control how whether juries find Jack McCoy's closing arguments credible.

Fortunately for Waterston fans this move should not entirely hamper his ability to continue the fake practice of law. The move requires that Jack McCoy no longer practice on Law & Order or Law & Order: Trial By Jury, but no mention is made of Homicide: Life on the Street or Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.

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Small Shop Web Flop

When you need a good divorce, child custody or DUI lawyer, make sure you pick based on whether your attorney likes nature, especially green trees...

Kevin J. Waite, P.C.

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Silent Thomas Not the Only Oddity

Several media outlets have focused in on Justice Clarence Thomas’ utter silence during Supreme Court oral arguments since February 22, 2006. Sure, that's crazy, but these stories have universally overlooked the other oddities that have developed on the bench of our nation’s highest court.

For example, almost nothing has been written about Justice Anthony Kennedy’s crusade to get a McDonald’s drive-thru window installed outside of every lecture hall at McGeorge School of Law where he taught constitutional law from 1965-1988. “It’s not a very well known fact,” whispered a cautious Kennedy during an interview at a DC Ronald McDonald House, “but I was really struggling with the drive-thru initiative at McGeorge until they hired Grimace as Dean of Students out there in the mid ‘80s; after that, things just kind of fell into place.”

“Honestly, I don’t see why people are focusing so much on Clarence’s refusal to ask questions,” said a distracted Chief Justice Roberts when pressed on the issue during his morning hair dressing session last week. “We all have our quirks, like how I just have to go to Friendly’s at least one a month since I clerked for the Honorable Henry J. Friendly of the Second Circuit,” explained Roberts. “Sure, some people think I’m quirky about constantly comparing my lightly feathered hair against the looks of John Edwards and Jimmy Johnson, but really, I’m just freaky about getting my fix of a Friendly’s Fribble.”

The oversights don’t stop there. Almost nothing has been written about Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s continued use of bigger and bigger fake glasses to try to “make her look smart,” or John Paul Stevens’ increasing addiction to prescription Flomax. Why, you ask? According to MSNBC legal guru Dan “I’m gelling are you gellin?” Abrams, “I think the fascination with the Thomas story might center on how amazed people are that a lawyer can go a full hour without hearing the soothing sound of his own voice.”

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Litination.com is a satire site intended to blend real and fake legal news for entertainment purposes only. While some of the links on this site do lead to real stories, the features on the site are not real, nor are they intended to harm any of the subjects of our stories.

Litination uses fictional names in all of its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

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Now, stop being such a lawyer and just take the site for what it's intended to be - a good laugh.

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