Small Talk Temporarily Masks True Feelings

“Hey Jeff, how ya doing this morning,” beamed products liability defense attorney Marilyn Crestick as she strode into the conference room at Leak, Pulte, Crisp & Eckel LLP for a second day of depositions.

“Absolutely terrific, can you believe the weather this morning,” replied plaintiffs’ lawyer extraordinaire Malcom Walters.

“Did you get those rascally little ones of yours to bed at a good time last night?” Crestick inquired as she unloaded a veritable truckload of exhibits onto the table.

The conversation about weather and kids proceeded from there and additional lawyers joined in the mind-numbing banter as they piled in for the deposition of Evan Fiesley, the named plaintiff in the class action currently progressing in Texas federal court. To the outside observer, it would have been hard to detect the genuine disdain the attorneys held for each other.

Just last night, for example, Crestick had described Walters as more annoying than a root canal when replaying the highlights of the deposition to her fellow partner Carter Benton. Similarly, Walters routinely referred to Crestick as Governor Palin around the office. Once, he even told a co-worker that he wouldn’t let Crestick change his diaper; a remark that sent off a whirlwind of rumors that the fifty-five year old Walters wore adult diapers.

As the deposition resumed, it didn’t take long for the parties true feelings to bubble to the surface. Not five minutes had passed before Walters objected to the form of one of Crestick’s questions.

“What’s the problem with that one, Malcolm?” snapped Marilyn.

“Well, for one thing, it’s the worst question I’ve heard since yesterday afternoon. Second, you’re asking the client for expert testimony which is clearly objectionable.”

“Malcom, I don’t know if you got your law degree online, but asking Mr. Fiesley if he has any indigestion when he eats three bowls of chili and has a milkshake is clearly not confusing and it certainly won’t be covered by your so-called expert in this case.”

“You’re worse than my kids,” mumbled Walters and then the two were off on a back and forth that sounded more like a unsuccessful marriage counseling session than an argument among litigators.

Only a requested break by the appalled Fiesley saved the day. He had quickly grown tired of listening to these two go at it. “Stop it you two,” interjected the previously bashful Fiesley. “Seriously, I didn’t sign up for this when I called Malcolm’s 800 number. I barely have a claim here so the last thing I want to do is be a witness to WWF lawyer-style. Let’s keep this thing moving right along so I can milk a settlement or cut bait.”

Realizing they were still on the record, Walters immediately interjected that his client was flustered and saying things without thinking. He then quickly escorted Fiesely out of the room as Crestick howled that his whole career was built using smoke and mirrors.

The remaining attorneys in the room sat in a bit of stunned silence before counsel for another co-defendant noted that he’d heard that rain was in the forecast later that day. With that, the mind-numbing banter returned as if nothing had happened.