Several media outlets have focused in on Justice Clarence Thomas’ utter silence during Supreme Court oral arguments since February 22, 2006. Sure, that's crazy, but these stories have universally overlooked the other oddities that have developed on the bench of our nation’s highest court.
For example, almost nothing has been written about Justice Anthony Kennedy’s crusade to get a McDonald’s drive-thru window installed outside of every lecture hall at McGeorge School of Law where he taught constitutional law from 1965-1988. “It’s not a very well known fact,” whispered a cautious Kennedy during an interview at a DC Ronald McDonald House, “but I was really struggling with the drive-thru initiative at McGeorge until they hired Grimace as Dean of Students out there in the mid ‘80s; after that, things just kind of fell into place.”
“Honestly, I don’t see why people are focusing so much on Clarence’s refusal to ask questions,” said a distracted Chief Justice Roberts when pressed on the issue during his morning hair dressing session last week. “We all have our quirks, like how I just have to go to Friendly’s at least one a month since I clerked for the Honorable Henry J. Friendly of the Second Circuit,” explained Roberts. “Sure, some people think I’m quirky about constantly comparing my lightly feathered hair against the looks of John Edwards and Jimmy Johnson, but really, I’m just freaky about getting my fix of a Friendly’s Fribble.”
The oversights don’t stop there. Almost nothing has been written about Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s continued use of bigger and bigger fake glasses to try to “make her look smart,” or John Paul Stevens’ increasing addiction to prescription Flomax. Why, you ask? According to MSNBC legal guru Dan “I’m gelling are you gellin?” Abrams, “I think the fascination with the Thomas story might center on how amazed people are that a lawyer can go a full hour without hearing the soothing sound of his own voice.”
“Honestly, I don’t see why people are focusing so much on Clarence’s refusal to ask questions,” said a distracted Chief Justice Roberts when pressed on the issue during his morning hair dressing session last week. “We all have our quirks, like how I just have to go to Friendly’s at least one a month since I clerked for the Honorable Henry J. Friendly of the Second Circuit,” explained Roberts. “Sure, some people think I’m quirky about constantly comparing my lightly feathered hair against the looks of John Edwards and Jimmy Johnson, but really, I’m just freaky about getting my fix of a Friendly’s Fribble.”
The oversights don’t stop there. Almost nothing has been written about Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s continued use of bigger and bigger fake glasses to try to “make her look smart,” or John Paul Stevens’ increasing addiction to prescription Flomax. Why, you ask? According to MSNBC legal guru Dan “I’m gelling are you gellin?” Abrams, “I think the fascination with the Thomas story might center on how amazed people are that a lawyer can go a full hour without hearing the soothing sound of his own voice.”
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