"No, I am not in disguise; I look like this everyday. Oh, and one more thing, I hate smiling."
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Associate Photo Caption
Friday, January 30, 2009
Things Lawyers Like - Overly Important Sounding Email Sign-Offs
Words are very important to lawyers. Some of the most sacred words for a lawyer are the ones before his or her name at the end of an email or letter. For most people, a typical “Sincerely” will do. That salutation, however, is completely unsatisfactory for a lawyer.
Soon after beginning practice, a lawyer will begin to receive emails and hard copy documents that contain a myriad of sign-offs like “Best Regards”, “Warm Regards”, “Regards” or some other collection of words that pretends to express feelings and importance at the same time. This makes the newly minted lawyer regret ever having used the word “Sincerely” in a formal letter.
In order to compensate for years of using inadequate salutations, a lawyer will often spend considerable time deciding what communication is worthy of a “Best Regards” rather than a “Regards”. For a lawyer, any time spent on something this important is billable work. After all, “Best Regards” may be too sentimental for an email to the client. On the other hand, does “Regards” sound too cold and impersonal? Is the intermediate “Warm Regards” the right call?
For the most nefarious of characters, the lawyer has a special sign-off – “Very Truly Yours”. If you receive an email from a lawyer with “Very Truly Yours” as the sign-off, be warned; this communication is likely crafted to ensure that yours is very truly screwed.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Partner Doppelganger
If Ropes & Gray partner Harry Rubin had a
doppelganger, it would be...
Grammy award-winning comedian Lewis Black.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Vault Announces Firms to Avoid Rankings
In the fall and winter of 2008, Vault contacted more than 18,000 current and former associates at 167 formerly prominent law firms across the country to seek their participation in a new set of rankings it plans to release this week. Participants were asked to rate their current or former firm in terms of how it handled issues related to the slumping economy. Vault compiled this data to calculate its brand new Top 20 Firms to Avoid If You Want a Paycheck rankings, which in 2009 will join its traditional slate of Top 100 Law Firms, Best 20 Law Firms for Diversity and Vault Partner Rankings.
Associates were asked to assign one to five stars on issues such as frequency of interaction with HR personnel, quantity of empty or dark associate offices, farewell happy hour attendance, shrinking or frozen compensation, and ability to switch practice groups before getting kicked to the curb. Other factors such as number of partner offices with closed doors, blatant lying about layoffs, touting “profits per partner” while slashing bonuses and asking real estate associates to actually come into work were considered. The firms were then scored against each other.
Upon learning about the new rankings, Heller Erhman’s former managing partner expressed disappointment that the now defunct firm would not reach the top of any Vault ranking before dissolving. In contrast, Dechert LLP's chairman rejoiced at the reality that his firm was almost certain to finally jump to the top of the law firm heap. Dechert released a statement that it is “delighted and excited about the opportunities for associate diminution that are presented by this bear economy.” Similarly, in an email to the partnership, K&L Gates' chairman noted that while “he’s never paid much attention to rankings,” he definitely has paid attention to the “droves of idiotic, credit-card wielding associates at his firm that would take these rankings in stride.”
Vault claims that these new rankings will help it to stay relevant in a changing United States economy. “We know that these aren’t typical, feel good ratings,” explained Vault Vice President Sally Isaacs, “but the reality is that managing a legal career takes more than just getting average grades at a top tier law school and then defaulting to a New York law firm. Frankly, our readership is looking for less focus on quality of life issues and more insight into the quality and quantity of a potential paycheck.”
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Juror Hasn’t Felt this Rested in Years
Wayne Pullman, an electrician from Portland, Oregon, has had a chronic sleep disorder for the past five years. His wife, Judy, claims he has restless leg syndrome, while his mother-in-law is certain he has sleep apnea. What nobody ever imagined is that the cure was only one call to jury duty away.
After overcoming his initial fear that the jury duty notice was an arrest warrant, Pullman felt nothing but frustration. “I couldn’t believe my bad luck,” explained Pullman. “Not only was I having problems at work because my lack of sleep was making me cranky, but now I had to go listen to a bunch of suits blabber.”
Wayne’s luck looked to get even worse when he was selected as juror number four on a patent infringement case regarding light fixtures. Only a couple of minutes into the plaintiff’s opening argument, however, Pullman began to feel a sense of relaxation. He tried to follow the argument that ShineSpec’s new nightlight technology, which helps men urinate more accurately during middle of the night trips to the bathroom, was being copied by the defendant Glow & Grow. Pullman’s attempt to focus was futile. Before he knew it, the whir of the air conditioner combined with lead counsel’s repetitive use of overly technical jargon lulled him into a deep slumber.
“It was truly amazing,” described a bright-eyed Pullman the day after the trial ended. “I fell asleep almost instantly and over the course of the week-long trial I was only interrupted by the judge for lunch breaks and when it was time to go home.” Even though Pullman also fell asleep during jury deliberations he was roused briefly to vote in favor of the plaintiff and award punitive damages in excess of $12 million dollars.
“In the end, what it came down to for me was that I owed the plaintiff a debt of gratitude for the sleep I recovered during this trial.” Since the trial, Wayne has been able to keep consistent resting hours through use of several bar exam preparation videos.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
