Associate Photo Caption

"Using this mug shot as my firm photo is killing my rapport with clients."

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Things Lawyers Like – Talking on Speaker Phone

It’s a well known fact that lawyers like the sound of their own voice. More importantly, lawyers like times when other people hear the sound of their voice. It should not be surprising therefore to learn that most lawyers’ favorite invention is the speaker phone. This device permits a lawyer to turn an everyday phone call into a public display of oration. In other words, it’s a lawyer’s dream come true.

That is, it’s a dream come true as long as it contains the ultra important mute button. Participating in conference calls via a muted speaker phone allows lawyers to multi-task and be otherwise unproductive during the most boring of conference calls. The muted speaker phone call allows the lawyer to listen to a client’s input while simultaneously shouting a lunch order down the hall to an assistant, keeping up with reality TV gossip online or instant messaging with last weekend’s date. The best part is that a muted lawyer can do all of this while keeping up appearances of being fully engaged. Don’t want to deal with that first year associate trolling outside your office? Easy, just make the “shhhh” sign to indicate that you’re on a call.

Lawyers also know that a speaker phone conversation with the door closed can ward off almost any and every unwanted visitor. That’s why lawyers will opt for speaker phone with almost any call, be it work, friends or family. Using speaker phone to provide a veil of privacy allows the lawyer to get personal priorities in order behind a closed door. So consider yourself duly warned – if you pass another lawyer’s office where the door is closed and you hear a phone call in process, enter at your own risk. You just might walk in on a lawyer clipping his toe nails or working his abs.

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Partner Doppelganger

If Sidley Austin LLP partner Jeffrey Berman
had a doppelganger, it would be...



beloved Clue character, Colonel Mustard.

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Associates Stumble Upon Stealth Layoffs

While barely a day goes by without another large law firm announcing economy-driven layoffs, rumors that firms are carrying out other, unannounced layoffs continue to swirl throughout the legal community. Do these so-called “stealth layoffs” really occur? According to several associates who contacted Litination last week, you can put the conspiracy theories to rest; the secret pink slips are for real.

Patrick Wallingford, a third-year associate at Kilpatrick Stockton LLP in Washington, D.C., witnessed a stealth layoff last Friday on his way back to the office from a quick trip to Dunkin’ Donuts. “I was walking back to our offices when I saw Kim Rasmussen, a fifth-year associate in our real estate group, waiting to cross the street on the other side of the block. I called out to wave hello, but before she could respond a man in a long, tan coat came up beside her, said something I couldn’t hear and then whisked her away in a Lincoln Town Car with the license plate ‘MClayton.’ Nobody’s seen or heard from Kim since this day."

Similarly, Kevin Cartwright, a fourth year litigator at Choate Hall & Stewart LLP in Boston, was walking back to his desk from a meeting a couple of weeks ago when he bumped into seventh year associate Tim Wetzel. They talked briefly and then went in opposite directions. All of a sudden, Kevin heard a startled cry from behind him and when he turned around Tim was gone. “I started to jog down the hallway to see what happened, but all of a sudden a partner popped out of his office and asked me if I wanted tickets to the Celtics game that night. The next day when I went by Tim’s office to tell him about the game, the only thing left in his office was the power cord for his laptop.”

According to most reports, firms are targeting only the most forgettable associates in the hopes that the stealth layoffs will generate minimal buzz among the remaining employees. Some firms have even hired professionals from the FBI’s witness protection program for consultation. When this occurs, the stealth layoff typically starts with the elimination of the associate’s bio on the firm website and ends with the creation of a new non-lawyer persona. Any chance we can get these same people to work on “eliminating” CNN’s Nancy Grace?

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Small Shop Web Flop

According to this week's flop, you need an attorney "you can count on and trust..." Now, don't take this the wrong way, Litination is not attacking Steve Hunter. The exclamation point after his firm name shows us that he's fired up about the law, but Mr. Hunter has some work to do to build our trust.

First, with that picture of fingers at the top of the website, it looks like someone is flipping us the bird. Second, Mr. Hunter lists "Buckskin Boy Scout Council" under the "Active" section of his website. Check the Council's website though and Mr. Hunter is nowhere to be found. Say it isn't so Steve!

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