Billable Hour Admitted to Hospital

The Billable Hour, a longstanding measure of lawyerly worth and a crutch to inefficient lawyers alike, was urgently admitted to Lenox Hill hospital in New York last week. News has leaked out of Lenox Hill that the billable hour’s condition is not related to the recent outbreak of swine flu. Instead, it is speculated that the Billable Hour was admitted following continued complications from episodes of anxiety and depression that have been plaguing the steadfast timekeeper since late 2007.

“Look, it’s no secret that the Billable Hour suffered an intense loss when his good friend mortgage-backed securities essentially passed away in early 2008,” explained legal commentator David Lat during an interview with Fox & Friends. “Now, people are turning on old Billable Hour while the economy’s in the toilet and he’s got nowhere to turn. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that the Billable Hour tried to take his own life.”

A small candlelight vigil for the Billable Hour has already started to take shape outside of the Lenox Hill hospital. “I came here out of respect for a dear, dear friend,” explained White & Case LLP partner Leslie Davenworth. “People may say things like ‘the Billable Hour is dead’, but as someone whose ascent to partnership was based solely on my logging of 2,500 or more hours per year, I refuse to believe it. I’ve just become too attached to my good friend to say goodbye right now.”

For those who have been pleading with the Billable Hour to pass the torch to long-time nemesis Fixed Fee, this development is far from a reason to despair. General Motors chief legal officer, Debra Ellington, released a statement about the news that said, “I guess you could say it’s sad to see tradition fade away, but I’m thrilled that law firms are soon going to have to listen to their in-house counterparts’ perpetual suggestion that they adopt the Burger King model of fees. After all, without the Billable Hour, we’ll finally be able to have it our way, right away.”