Local 1L’s Thanksgiving Break Turns Out to Be a Disaster

Everyone in the Lipski family always said that Tyler Lipski was going to be a lawyer. As a teenager, he loved to spend dinners cross-examining family members on even the most mundane topics. Despite his socially awkward behavior, the Lipskis were genuinely proud when their son decided to apply to law school, and when he was accepted to Emory, it made the family Christmas card. These expectations, coupled with Lipski’s almost ever-present air of self-importance, led to what was perhaps one of the worst trips home for Thanksgiving during the first year of law school in recent history.

Upon arriving home, Lipski immediately launched into a dissertation about how he wanted to draft up some new contracts for his parents’ housekeeper and landscaper. “Look, these people need to put something binding on the table or they’re going to keep churning out the same mediocre product week in and week out,” exclaimed a confident Lipski as he thumbed through Williston on Contracts. When his Mom asked him what exactly he didn’t like about the way the house looked, he his rolled eyes and said, “Stop thinking like a layperson Mom and start thinking about the consideration that is going into the agreements you enter, ok?”

During and after Thanksgiving dinner, Lipski was approached by numerous relatives seeking advice. Uncle Ralph was anxious to hear if he could somehow cancel his Verizon wireless contract without paying the early termination fee, Aunt Julie was insistent on knowing if it was unconstitutional for men and women to have to use separate bathrooms, and cousin Trevor discretely pressed him on how he could successfully argue that he only smoked marijuana medicinally if he was caught getting high while working at the local library. Time after time, Lipski offered advice that was unsupported by any legal principle and generally terrible.

Equally disappointing was Lipski’s introduction of a new catch phrase. No matter the conversation, when the moment felt right, Lipski would jump in and exclaim, “I’ll be judge of that!” before issuing an often inflammatory opinion. He also subjected anyone he could corner to a demonstration of the Socratic Method. According to Lipski’s high school classmate, Jeffrey Peters, this cost Lipski an opportunity to hook up with former Prom Queen Marla Durst the day after Thanksgiving. “I flat out heard her ask him if he’d like to go back to her place and he responded with a string of questions that obviously turned her off,” explained Peters. “When I busted him for his lack of game, he said something ridiculous about the law being a jealous mistress. Sounds like a guy who has a little too much fun with his horn books.”

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Partner Doppelganger

If Haynes and Boone, LLP partner Sergie Lomako
had a doppelganger it would be...

PC from Apple's PC vs. Mac commercials.

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Brick Breaker Score Overwhelms Associate During Recent Team Meeting

Jack Wilkins, a third-year litigation associate in Baker Botts, LLP’s Washington, D.C. office likes to say his Blackberry had him at hello. Pretty much whenever he has a free minute, or if there’s a pause in conversation, Wilkins is heads down, thumb scrolling on his handheld. This addiction has lead to some socially unacceptable behavior. For example, he’s seen his average time in the bathroom almost double as a result of his complete obsession with several of the free games that he’s downloaded. His Blackberry time has also become difficult to manage at work.

In meetings, Wilkins, like many of his colleagues, is constantly checking his Blackberry when the spotlight is focused elsewhere. Due to the fact that he almost always has a non-speaking role at meetings, he has even become accustomed to launching an all-consuming game of Brick Breaker – a classic video game that challenges you to clear stages by using a paddle to destroy bricks one by one – to pass the time. Sometimes this can cause him to miss almost everything that is covered.

Recently, Brick Breaker became a deal breaker for Wilkins. At a team meeting on pre-trial strategy, Wilkins reached his highest level on Brick Breaker to date just as the lead partner, on the case, Calvin Cambridge, was laying out a key weakness. Unable to contain his emotions, Wilkins audibly let out a “Yes!” right as Cambridge stated that there’s a chance that the client’s lead corporate witness could have his credibility seriously damaged on cross-examination.

As everyone in the conference room turned to in shock, Cambridge asked Wilkins what could possibly be positive about such a situation. Crushed by the fact that his outburst had cost him an even higher Brick Breaker score, Wilkins responded with “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” and then quickly excused himself to use the restroom to avoid the deafening silence that followed. The repercussions for Wilkins have been immediate. He has been dropped from his rightful place as the third person copied on case-related emails. Some of Wilkins’ colleagues think that his position as head of the document review team is also in jeopardy. Sounds like someone is in need of treatment for his crackberry addiction.

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This Week's Sign of the Legal Apocalypse

We aplogize if it feels like we're picking on Reed Smith, but this firm seems like it can't help but find itself in the bad news headlines. According to The American Lawyer, Reed Smith has asked non-equity partners to cobble together a nice little law firm stimulus package and fork it over asap. The whole process has even created a new title in the legal world - "fixed-share partners."

Then again, just how fixed is anyone's share these days at Reed Smith? How long until the firm asks for non-equity partners to donate a little more cash to avoid a pink slip? Would that be the dawn of the sliding scale partner?

Lawyers are nothing if not creative, but this whole end around on the traditional salary cut looks and smells like pay to play. That does raise an interesting question. How much would an unemployed attorney pay to be associated with a firm like Reed Smith? Unfortunately, we may know the answer to that question sooner rather than later.

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Official: Homeland Security to Adopt Strict Scrutiny, Intermediate Scrutiny and Rational Basis Terror Alert System

According to a high-ranking official in the Obama administration, the Department of Homeland Security (“DHS”) is close to making an announcement that it will be revamp its often maligned Color-coded Threat Level System. DHS plans to institute three stoplight colored alert levels – rational basis (green), intermediate scrutiny (yellow) and strict scrutiny (red). For legal scholars like President Obama, these words bring back fond memories of constitutional law. For most Americans, this system is likely to bring continued confusion.

The Government’s new “Stoplight Review and Alert System” is designed to simplify the process by which the government can inform Americans just how frightened and paranoid to act. If Homeland Security sets the system to the green “rational basis” level, Americans are directed to determine if individuals in their immediate surroundings are using reasonable means to pursue legitimate interests. The yellow “intermediate scrutiny” level will put citizens on notice to watch out for individuals that are not pursuing important governmental interests using substantially-related means.

While these first two levels may seem confusing, the most alarming setting in the “Stoplight Review and Alert System” is likely to be the red “strict scrutiny” level. If Homeland Security decides to set the nation’s alert level to this color and phrase, Americans should immediately be on the lookout for any activity that is not in the pursuit of a compelling governmental interest and that is not narrowly tailored to achieve its intended result. Or, as one skeptic put it, “lock your windows and doors because it’s about to get crazier than a Sarah Palin book tour.”

The fact that DHS has decided to couch the alerts in terms of "governmental interest" is consistent with the Obama administration’s goal of putting the federal government in the center of every American’s life. This system also continues to solidify Mr. Obama’s reputation as a legal scholar in chief. “The way I see it, by the time the President’s time in office is done most of the nation will be headed to law school,” explained one administration official, “and we can only hope it will be a law school that is fully funded by the federal government.”

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