Happiness Is One Flat Fee Away?

According to Wikipedia, happiness is "a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy." In lawyer speak, that translates to making partner, becoming a judge, snagging a client, getting paid, or retiring. Then again, if you're like the guy in the article below, maybe all it takes to achieve happiness is switching to the flat fee. Litination wants some of whatever he's taking.

"Confessions of a Happy Lawyer"

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Judicial Notice - Stress Happens

Litination is willing to take Judicial Notice of the fact that praciticing law can be stressful. That's why lots of practicing lawyers advise others to choose a different career path. Thanks to the article below, this conversation should get much easier.

Prospective lawyer: "I think I'm going to apply to law school, I just love the idea of being a lawyer."

Practicing lawyer: "Listen kid, this is not something you want to pursue. If you do, you'll be saddled with a constant feeling of impending doom equivalent to that dream you've probably had about wearing your underwear to class or forgetting to study for a test. In time, this will cause all of your emotions to die...just die."

Prospective lawyer: "Um, ok. Point taken. I think I'll go with Plan B and enlist in the military."

"Law Practice Can Trigger Stress Disorder, says Attorney Who Now Works as Therapist"

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Excuses, Excuses...

If you've missed a filing deadline, forgotten a client meeting, or double-booked a deposition, you know that a good excuse can be crucial. Lawyers aren't known for their creativity, but Litination can't imagine a lawyer trying "I had an early morning gig as a clown." On the other hand, "I had to go to the hospital because I drank antifreeze" seems much more plausible.

"Workplace Tardiness Blamed On Traffic, Clown Duties"

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While You Were Out

To: Gretchen Rossi

Date: March 17, 2010

From: Litination

Message: Miss Rossi, Litination called early today regarding a breaking news story on RadarOnline. Litination was wondering why, after putting so much time and effort into avoiding service of legal papers from your ex-husband, you decided to attend a very public fashion show. Litination believes this was scripted by the producers of the Real Housewives of Orange County but is willing to accept a response that you are just kind of dumb. Litination also wanted to make sure you were aware that you missed a button on the shirt you're wearing on your website.

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Passed Gas Enough to Support Theft Charge

Angela Markson usually ends up regretting her weekly trip to Taco Bell with her husband Jeffrey. This past Thursday, however, Markson wept openly as Kentucky District Court Judge Wilbur Arkinson ruled the usual consequences of "burrito night" were sufficient to create the probable cause necessary for police to search their parked vehicle and obtain the evidence that was being used to charge the Marksons with theft.

The incident started when the Marksons were parked in a Best Buy parking lot after a substantial dinner of super-sized Mexican food and jumbo-sized sodas. During a discussion about whether to buy a 42" or 50" flat screen television, Mr. Markson was overcome with a need to let the musical fruit that had made up more than 65% of his dinner free to perform. As he let one rip, his wife groaned with disgust, and unfortunately for both Marksons, the two local police officers walking behind their vehicle took notice.

According to the officers, the sound emminating from the Marksons' Honda CRV was of a tone and quality that clearly indicated a potential for harm. State Patrolman Evan Crawford testified that it sounded like a combination of "a rabbid dog and a man having a heart attack." Concerned, the officers rushed to the Marksons' car and asked the couple to step out of the vehicle. When they did, the officers came across an SUV almost overflowing with pink flamingo lawn ornaments - the exact items that had been reported by local news station KSPK as being stolen from many front lawns in Paducah, Kentucky. The Marksons were immediately handcuffed and taken to the local police station

At a preliminary hearing, the Marksons' attorney moved to suppress the pink flamingo evidence on the grounds that the police lacked probable cause to search the Marksons' vehicle. Judge Arkinson, however, ruled that the loud noise generated by Mr. Markson justified the search. He sided with the officers in finding that the rumbling was of a magnitude that would strike fear in the heart of any American. Judge Arkinson further noted to all those present in his courtroom that this was just one more reason why people should avoid eating at "Taco Hell" at all costs.

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